About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

No criticism from me for having a “full on” child…some are and some aren’t!
My FIL was in his early 70s when my “full on” daughter was pre school age and he absolutely loved having her around. He’d produce old sheets and blankets and make her a den under the dining table. Tell her made up tales of Spot the naughty Dalmatian dog. He taught her how to identify trees, collect and identify shells on the beach.
But, and this is a big but! He didn’t live with her for 4 days! and he had downtime between her visits.

I will kindly say, if he didn’t move his legs out of the way when your daughter was running around, it was likely that his focus was on something else, TV, reading a newspaper etc.
Your parents are just slowing down with age and reaction speeds and tolerance levels diminish with age. They will however absolutely love their granddaughter.

My Dad didn’t remove his rose bushes in case some kid was “playing up”. He removed them because the neighbour’s toddler grandchild fell in the garden and lost an eye on the rose bushes.

It’s a fairly natural reaction to move your legs out of the way when somebody - anybody - is moving past you in a room and not a lot to ask. The idea that you don’t need to take anyone else’s needs into consideration when you’re in your own home was foreign to my Dad, thankfully.

All the ‘no running in the house’ comments are making me laugh as my 6yo and 3yo are currently up to some sort of whacky races upstairs!

When I was a kid, my grandparents used to get me to run circuits round their house as it was basically open in a big circle of rooms, while they sat at the dinner table finishing off or chatting. ‘How fast can you run a whole circle? How many can you do in two minutes?’

It wasn’t until much later I realised it was to tire me out before bed

Just to say, @MyFlakyPombear , my dad was like this. My mum was always much more hands on as a parent as she was a SAHM, but sadly she died before I had DC. But DH’s parents were (and are) very active grandparents, frequently taking DC for a weekend to give us a break whereas DF barely engaged with him whenever he came to stay. He was loving but wouldn’t get down on the floor to play like PIL did or run around with DC. I found it quite annoying!

But then it turned out DF had an undiagnosed life-limiting condition that was affecting his stamina and his ability to do anything really. He hadn’t been able to see a GP in person because of Covid restrictions so each of his symptoms were treated in isolation, and by the time he did see someone who joined the dots it was 2022 while his condition was diagnosed, it ended up being too late. He died while waiting for an operation. I’m not saying this because I think you should cut him more slack (though I do) - I’m saying it so you can keep an eye on his health, as much as is possible from afar.

She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them

As a previous poster remarked, this is on second reading, quite amusing.
Puts me in mind of my dd who still won't come to my house if we have the log burner lit, no matter how cold it is. I've told her many times that if she lets
me know when she's coming I'll put an oil radiator on and not light the stove.

Nevertheless, when he was just walking she arrived unannounced and was
pretty pissed off with me because I wouldn't chuck water in there to put it out.
Having it open and chucking water in there would have created far more toxic fumes in the room than just leaving it be while she watched us entertain him
for an hour while she had a cuppa.

She has since realised how ridiculous she was being. But she does give us a half days warning when it's below 5c outside.

Super interesting discussion - thanks all!

I think as always with parenting this is a bit about me and my own childhood so good to think that through. Also needing to learn best way to do things - next year will definitely try to book somewhere separate and possibly for less time/break the journey on the way.

lolling at the idea we’d be able to find an open soft play to take DD to on Christmas Day! But I think summer visits probably are the way forward as more chance to be outside and not having everything closed like on Christmas.

re the indoor running, i definitely don’t allow it in cafes etc, but I don’t think id want to spend several days somewhere and not allow DD to burn off energy inside, when not possible outside. I don’t think it’s particularly dangerous, I suppose it depends on speed of running. Will maybe get my mum’s take on this and whether she found it rude. But booking separate accommodation would help.

signing off this thread now but thanks again!

I’m so sorry about your dad and I appreciate your post.

Boomers really are incredible selfish. Don't know what happened to them. But it's all "I raised mine" and "I'm living my life". Ofc we're not entitled to it but I'll never be this way with me grandchildren

Well no, you see, it's all these hundreds of thousands of pounds we have stashed in the bank that means we can spend all our moolah on luxury cruises - who wants to stay home looking after grandkids when there's a great big world out there to blow all our cash in?

Of course you won't be this way with your grandchildren because you'll still be fit as a fiddle and up at the crack of dawn, dancing down the stairs, staying up till dawn and being amongst the most energetic helpful grannies ever known.

Good luck with that.

I do think parents are a bit blind to how their children behave because it’s so normal to them

That's spot on. Oblivious to the reality.

It’s a fairly natural reaction to move your legs out of the way when somebody - anybody - is moving past you in a room and not a lot to ask

Well, if you can do it quick enough. I speak as someone who couldn't do it quick enough. Especially if it's a running toddler.

@MyFlakyPombear

you could get your dad in the shit with your mum if you do, OP, and I’m sure you don’t want that

Possibly, but that in no way excuses her attitude that it's not up to her to teach her lively toddler to be more careful around elderly people.

My kids are not allowed to run in the house including the grandparents' large houses. They fall over when they do anyway! I would also expect them to go around people even when they were toddlers; they can expect people to jump out of their path as they go. If your dad didn't do much with you he is unlikely to with his grandkids but some do do more with the next generation.

Kids are just way more hyper these days than they used to be. I expect it was a shock to the system to see how kids behave now.

My parents weren’t like even into their 80’s so I don’t think it’s necessarily normal. PIL used to get tired in late 50’s. I suppose we are all different! My kids weren’t allowed to run round in the house though-only outside.

Not really my parents have said that to me and my DH I don’t know how you do it my parents are mid 60s they had me and my sibling early 20s.
I had my two early 30s so I can in one way see why they might find it too much having chaos and noise and I don’t see it as a negative comment when they have said that because it is bloody hard work parenting and exhausting and if you’ve then gone a while without that noise and chaos yes you do find it too much.
I am more than sure I’ll be saying the same thing when I’m that age or older.

Fair enough

It's a meme for a reason. Like all heuristics the exceptions prove the rule.

Im a lot younger than your Dad and I absolutely adore my DGC. I happily play dinosaurs, dolls and cars with them. Love spending time with them, but am not going to lie and say that Im also happy when they go home...🤣.
You forget how exhausting toddlers and young kids are when its 20 or 30 years since you last had them.

I have x3 close in age and all under 10. And they're amazing, and I'm putting myself fully into service if my DW and kids. And it's changed me for the better. But I confess I find the boomer memes and tiktoks hilarious because they're so true. With my own Dad I never resent him for living his life how he wants, but it's ofc hard when we have no help. My philosophy is simply when it's my turn I'll be the Grandad that I wish my kids had had. The same as I'm being the Father I didn't have to them.

It's no excuse for making sweeping ageist generalisations.

Well, I was in fact complimented on how well my children x3 behaved by an old lady when I took them for breakfast the other weekend. I nearly fell off my chair in surprise. I think she caught us in a rare moment of harmony. 😂

I make no excuses.

My DDad is a lot like this. I've just reduced the length and frequency of our visits as the years have gone on because no one really benefits. The DC (older than yours) know he's grumpy old git and we put up with it for a day or 2 a couple of times a year.

I didn't say you did. Your post was ageist and I'd have reported it if I thought there was any chance of MNHQ taking any notice.