About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

I agree that the running around was not ideal, but the rest honestly just sounds perfectly normal. I still think grandfather is being a CF.

Yanbu but neither is he, just everyone is different.

My kids have two grandfathers, both in good health and early 70s. One basically ignores them unless they ask him to read a story or they do something he considers dangerous (like running). He doesn't move around much and finds everything about kids totally exhausting. Their other grandfather is the same age but very high energy. He plays tag, football, pushes them on swings, and basically wears them out. Neither are unreasonable, but the high energy one is much easier to spend time with!

Of course you can stop a 2yo running about and getting in the way. People manage it all the time on planes, in cars, in restaurants etc.

Hmmm. I've reread my post and no, I didn't say or imply that he did sulk or ignore her (unless you're just indulging in a bit of hyperbole??)

No, I was (badly) trying to point out that he did do things with her and bond with her, he just didn't perform in the way OP wanted him to.

A 70+ year old sitting and reading to his grandchild sounds lovely to me. I have lots of memories of doing similar with my grandparents at that age.

OP I think you need to change your mindset. Nothing your father said was negative . Most people have told you as much and you continue to want to be irritated.

Kids are full on. Especially two year olds. Running around is on you not on the grandparents. He probably is tired having a kid in rhe house. My in laws used to say the same - they weren’t complaining or being negative but more a reflection on their own physicality and old age.

YABU

Young children are exhausting and he is an elderly man so I think you are being fairly unreasonable.

my husband and I are in our mid 50s with a two year old granddaughter. We adore her….but that doesn’t take away that it is tiring for us. We have her regularly whilst her parents work and we gladly play, sing, talk whatever all day. She’s actually nearer 3 and we play all imaginative games with her, we take her out to restaurants and cafes, we play over the park with her, we absolutely invest in her. Why wouldn’t we. We give her the 100% we’ve got and what she needs the whole time she’s here. But life is very different when she’s not here. It’s quiet, it’s tidy, my husband and I often sit in different rooms with our different hobbies, we might not even speak some days for hours.
when you’re young parents , you can’t imagine what this time of your life may look or sound like. We’re young, relatively fit and healthy grandparents but that doesn’t mean that we don’t find a toddler tiring. I guess the difference is we wouldn’t say it. We always think there’s another day to rest or slob on the settee watching tv or go out at our leisure. We have our granddaughter every time we’re asked. But I imagine for someone in their 70s it’s a very loud and tiring experience for them. I agree for the 4 days I wouldn’t say the things he has, the 4 days will pass and life will return back to normal for him, but I find the older people become, the less they care about what they say!!!
I do think your dad will absolutely adore her though and I bet he talks about her endlessly when she’s gone. Just because he finds it tiring and honest in saying so, doesn’t mean he loves her even less. He also probably comes from a generation where actually he doesn’t know how to interact with her. In fact I think the books was a way of trying to connect with her, do something with her 🫶

I disagree I think moving your legs when a small child is running around is perfectly reasonable. But we’ll have to agree to disagree on that!

You are being VVVU and very disrespectful towards your dad. She needs to learn to avoid elderly GPs when running around ffs. She could have really hurt him! Did you check he was ok? He wouldn't necessarily tell you about the arthritis in his feet/ankles/knees, but believe you me that is normal in a man of that age, and having a 2 year old cannon into your legs/feet could be pretty painful.

He would have acted shocked and said something like ‘I’m old’ in a fake jokey way, I’m fairly sure

He IS old. And he's telling you loud and clear that having a 2 year old around for 4 days is too much for him. Your lack of concern is shocking tbh, you clearly don't care about his welfare at all.

If/when you visit again, you need to plan to take her out for a couple of hours every day. And maybe arrange a play space in another room so that he can get some quiet time. If you don't take his needs seriously they will gradually stop inviting you.

I'm only 45 and find toddlers loud and tiring to spend any length of time with ( not their fault ) as I dont have the same energy or patience as I did when I was younger bringing my own kids up. People do get older and feel more tired which is part and parcel of life. I think at a certain point of life toddlers and all the full on that comes with it can be tiring for older grandparents.

These things can depend on all manner of things - the "full on-ness" of the children, the size of the house, the age of the parents, the expectations of everyone etc. I wouldn't see this as necessarily just a dad problem but more of a chance to work out what works the best for everyone being something to aim for - maybe stay for less time and leave him some down time whilst you and your mum take your daughter out might work. I know my mother in law got fed up of having her children and their families staying with her throughout the year and ended up renting a holiday cottage nearby we could stay in. Not everyone has that luxury but that did ease the burden on her and made it do-able - I preferred it too as it gave us more freedom. Although, I have to say your parents were a bit daft to buy a small child a drum!

I wouldn’t go next year, it’s only a short visit, he could have made an effort to interact with his grandchild and made you all feel welcome, he had plenty of time to rest after you left.

I’m with you dad here and I’m 25 years younger, other peoples children are exhausting and if he’s used to being in a quiet house all day, four days was probably a lot!

Unfortunately, negativity and lack of energy is pretty par for the course in some older people, at least from my experience. Also, we can't expect grandparents to be highly active and engaged with grandchildren if they are not already active and engaged people by nature.

I'd try to see the glass as half full (i.e., you all had a few days together, you accepted the invitation and made the best of it, you'll have helped your daughter gradually build a relationship with her grandfather even if he's not really engaged).

So he moved into her way and deliberately tripped her?

Both sides love the idea of an extended Christmas, but many then try it and find it doesn't match up to what they expected.

I think when children reach 2 - and are getting on board with some of the peak seasonal excitement (with some stress on the other side of the coin) - it can be a real shock to the system for GPs, who have been used to visits and the smaller baby months when many children are napping more often, and less under their own steam and preferences (i.e. running about and burning off energy is needed, it doesn't really happen just in the buggy or car any more).

You will probably have adapted your home as and when needed for your DC. Your GPs won't have expected they need to. Agree that 4 days is generally too long to be hosted and for everything to be smooth sailing in the toddler years.

You’ll find out one day, how it feels to be old. And then to have a child running amok through your house. I have every sympathy for your dad.
Nect time they offer to host, say no.

I'm in my 70s, and looking after my DGC can be exhausting. I do my best and at Christmas, I often try to have some activities planned, in case they get bored, and over excited. eg drawing etc.
I actually seem to have a good relationship with them, but it is better now they are past the toddler stage.
Next time, stay in the nearest travelodge or airb&b, and similary if you host, book them into the nearest equivalent.
This way, you and them get to have some down time,

Your post is sheer hyperbole. No way is OP VVVU. Her dad was a pretty shit dad when she was a child and is a pretty shit grandfather now.

Her mum sounds lovely and OP should spend time with her, leaving her dad to his own (child-free) devices.

My parents were mid-60s when my children were born and so were fairly active and hands-on with them in their early years, however as they crept past 70 and now 80 my dad in particular struggled to cope with people staying over in the house, the children playing games in the garden and becoming even a little bit loud outside, children becoming upset and crying and so on. My mum has always been desperate to have the grandchildren staying over at theirs but like you we have a 6-7 hour drive so it would always turn into a 3- or 4-day trip, we could never say "just popping in to see you for a few hours as we were passing". After one too many trips to theirs became a bit tense, when it was clear my dad was struggling and needed his own space and routine, we now stay elsewhere when we visit them and pop in to see them for daytimes only. Hotels near them are extortionate so we have had better value from air BnB, or in the summer we've tried a campsite near them which was surprisingly successful with my now-teenagers. It works ok - dad gets the evening routine, peace and quiet he craves and my mum can still make a fuss of the children. Dad is fond of the children too but gets tired now and doesn't want to have to adapt too much.

And they can't do the long journey to ours any more but when they did, they used to stay in a nearby chain hotel which also gave them (and us) some time to decompress after days which could be quite full-on from both children and grandparents

Can't you stay overnight at a motel en route there and back?
So only 2 nights with grandees.
And a child shouldn't be running around inside a house. It is disruptive and can be dangerous.

😂😂😂 Oh, and LTB!

I'm surprised this ageist crap isn't moderated off the board.

And "I heard someone say once...", FFS!

I’m in my 40s and get overwhelmed and fed up with my friends children when they are running around and being full on. He’s in his 70s and had it for 4 days full on.
Give him a break!

I do think parents are a bit blind to how their children behave because it’s so normal to them.