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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Hello39 · 11/01/2026 12:05

That voucher and the followup is so cheeky! Can you use the voucher on food instead of a stay.
Or he needs to cough up the rest

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 11/01/2026 12:06

Is it because you don't have shared funds, so he's done stuff that is within his budget? Then it's just a lack of thought past that?

Having said that, the 50quid voucher is a really weird one - if I wanted to see what was going on there, I'd tell him that I was using it for a weekend away on my own/with my kids/with a friend (basically something that he's not invited to) and see what his reaction is.

Needmorelego · 11/01/2026 12:08

Has he built the Lego yet?
If not return it for a refund.
If built sell secondhand. If it's one of the sets I am thinking of you will get ££££ for it.
And then firmly tell him why you have done that.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/01/2026 12:08

Time for some straight talking between you! I don't blame you for feeling underwhelmed.

But: why did you spend hundreds of pounds on him?? Surely that sets up an inequality before you even start.

Secondly why in god's name are you buying for his parents, nieces and nephews?

Bit late, but time to be even more clear that you don't want a glass topped coffee table with random bits underneath 😂I must say it sounds awful!

Apart from the ring, the rest is cheapskate, lack of thought and care x 100.

What is he like the rest of the time because he sure isn't scoring high on the gift front?!

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/01/2026 12:09

Ugh. Weaponised incompetence applied to gift giving. He’s a prince. £50 for an hotel you need to spend on to use, annd then use it for his birthday? Come on op, he’s taking the piss. Some strong words are required - I hope for your sake, he’s better in other areas of your life! And why TF do you buy the gifts for his family? Stop doing that right now!

TheMorgenmuffel · 11/01/2026 12:09

Stop spending so much on him.
Make as much effort as he is, the thoughtless bastard.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 11/01/2026 12:11

Sounds like a cock lodger to me. He buys you things, but not what you want/like. Buys the cheapest one. I'd rather you didnt buy it at all. I get the 'its the thought that counts' but a little bit more effort and thought could have been thought out. Its just enough to keep you 'sweet' and make you think he cares whilst you pay for everything else and everyone elses presents. Buys you a 1/7th gift voucher, expects you to pay the remaining 6/7th portion and then suggests you use it for HIS birthday. Think this screams of 'muggins' to me. I'd get rid.

KellsBells7 · 11/01/2026 12:11

I would tell him that the voucher wasn’t a gift. It’s going to cost you 7 x face value to use it and that if it’s being used for his birthday then it’s actually been purchased for his benefit - I suspect he had his birthday in mind when he bought it.

Is the disparity in your earnings large? If not, I don’t understand why so little is expected of him, what are you buying for his family?

GiantTeddyIsTired · 11/01/2026 12:12

I think you're thinking about this the wrong way round - 'its the thought that counts' means that the price isn't the important thing, it's that it was a thoughtful present.

These weren't thoughtful presents - very little effort has gone into them. No thought, as little money as possible.

DarkForces · 11/01/2026 12:12

If the hotel is local I'd use it in the spa or towards a meal out. I'm doing this with a hotel voucher. Even if you use it in the bar for a posh bottle of wine and snacks it'll feel better than his current plan!

I'd also put all the stuff I didn't want in the bin or charity shop. He's been thoughtless and has bought you clutter.

TFImBackIn · 11/01/2026 12:13

Just what everyone else is saying!

I would not be using that voucher, particularly not to celebrate his birthday!

Why are you buying gifts for all his family?

Do you share accounts?

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:13

Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Edited

Agree! Plus there will be additional costs of getting there, eating, drinking etc. Seems like it’s just a way to get you to take him away for a very expensive weekend for his birthday. Which he’ll probably then refer to as his gift to you because he bought a small voucher towards it…

its outrageous.

chattyness · 11/01/2026 12:13

You have to tell him & be clear about it, or he will always do it. Keep the ring as you love it, but everything else give back and say something like " I love the ring but you've made a mistake with all this,they seem to be gifts that you want & not at all for me" then leave him on his own to think about what you've said. He's a CF !

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:14

GiantTeddyIsTired · 11/01/2026 12:12

I think you're thinking about this the wrong way round - 'its the thought that counts' means that the price isn't the important thing, it's that it was a thoughtful present.

These weren't thoughtful presents - very little effort has gone into them. No thought, as little money as possible.

Yes, this.

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:16

I bought him the lego ect as it was stuff he had heavily hinted at wanting, he loves it and has already built it. And I thought that as it's Christmas it's nice to get a proper treat.

I think he knows I'm a bit underwhelmed by the mug, because I told him I was suprised that it came from that specific seller as it looks nothing like any of her other stuff, that's when he told me that he chose the cheapest one as he didnt think a mug was worth paying that amount of money for. £50 for a mug is a huge amount of money, I agree, but I would have been happy with just the mug! Or no mug at all. It's the blatant choosing something cheaper because he feels its not worth it.
This is actually how I feel about lego, I think a grown man does not need £££ lego sets, but I love him and wanted him to have something he really likes, which is why I paid for it! Because a gift should be about the receiver, not the giver!

Unfortunately the voucher cannot be used for food or any other part of the stay.

OP posts:
Dollyfloss · 11/01/2026 12:17

Wow. That is even worse than the poster on the “Who got the worst gift for Christmas?” thread who’s dh bought them a trip away - but booked them in separate pods in one of those cheap pod hotels as it was cheaper!

He’s a tight arse, plain and simple. How dare he hint at gifts costing 100’s of pounds and then buy you utter shite!

TheatreTheatre · 11/01/2026 12:17

I would spell it out directly. E.g: “so let’s get this right, you give me £50 off a £400 spend for your birthday?

I think I will give you a £50 voucher for the same place for your birthday and then we can pay the balance between us”

Itiswhysofew · 11/01/2026 12:18

Sorry to be blunt, but they are shit presents. I would be perplexed and upset. Obviously, it's the thought that counts, and you can see that he hasn't thought too hard.

Give him the voucher back for his birthday, and see how he likes that.

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/01/2026 12:20

I voted YANBU to feel this way, but You ARE unreasonable to be doing this:

"For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well."

Why? WHY are you buying the gifts for HIS family? Just DON'T.

I've seen several of these threads in the past couple of months, in which women show how they're married to thoughtless twats and I cannot understand why they carry on doing the same old shit and getting the same old shit in return.

diddl · 11/01/2026 12:20

Are you giving him the voucher for his birthday?

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:20

Itiswhysofew · 11/01/2026 12:18

Sorry to be blunt, but they are shit presents. I would be perplexed and upset. Obviously, it's the thought that counts, and you can see that he hasn't thought too hard.

Give him the voucher back for his birthday, and see how he likes that.

That is ingenious.

And then make him pay for the rest of the stay.

Smeegall · 11/01/2026 12:20

How much does he earn though as it sounds like he has spent a £100 on you.

Dollyfloss · 11/01/2026 12:21

think he knows I'm a bit underwhelmed by the mug, because I told him I was suprised that it came from that specific seller as it looks nothing like any of her other stuff, that's when he told me that he chose the cheapest one as he didnt think a mug was worth paying that amount of money for. £50 for a mug is a huge amount of money, I agree, but I would have been happy with just the mug! Or no mug at all. It's the blatant choosing something cheaper because he feels its not worth it.

I’ve literally just typed this on another thread about a man who’s tighter than a gnats arse:

“He knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing”

He would rather save a few bob than do something nice that would really make you happy.

It’s up to you to decide if that’s a deal breaker. Personally I could never ever be with a tight person. My dh’s generosity is his best trait - he’d give his last penny to me and the dc’s and always puts himself last.

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