To think a guest shouldn't take over the party?

[OnePoisedLilacEagle]

DD (4) had a birthday party a few weeks back. Small-ish thing, about 10 children, mostly nursery friends. One of the mums (who I get on with fine, nothing dramatic) started to “help” which I thought was nice at first. But then she kind of took over?

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”), told the kids when they could do the presentd (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) and repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”).

She also asked another child not to run in my house and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there.

I was a bit taken aback but didn’t say anything at the time because party, kids, noise, didn’t want to make it awkward.

Afterwards DH said I was being oversensitive and that she was “just helping” and probably thought I was overwhelmed. But I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d done that in someone else’s house I’d be mortified.

I mentioned it casually to a friend and she said some parents just have “strong hosting instincts” and I should let it go. The offending mum is a very alpha mum, Amandaland vibes really and the whole thing felt very psychological warfare-ish.

AIBU to feel a bit undermined and that she was incredibly rude? Or is this one of those things where you smile, say thanks and move on?

I'd be delighted for someone to take over running a child's birthday party.

Children’s parties can be very overstimulating. She might have been trying to get some control of what felt like a stressful situation to her?

But, OP, it was your party/house. You were in control of stuff like when presents should be opened.

She sounds annoying but it always baffles me why people don’t actually speak up. Why quietly seethe and then moan to friends afterwards?

No clearly rude and domineering. I bet she thinks she knows “best”. Next time you need to take back control, it’s your event. Being a doormat isn’t good role modelling for your daughter.

Also what are the chances she’s saying, “OP’s party was a mess but I jumped in and saved it”.

I never thought of that although that makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest. What would she do if she couldn't take over?!? I would fear a meltdown or something.

It was a whirlwind, really. A bunch of friends and family and their 3/4 year olds running around plus the magician and our dogs 😅😅😅

Hmmm she seems like the type. She's definitely one of those gossip types who will make a compliment or voice a concern but it's a thinly veiled put down.

That sounds annoying and I would avoid inviting her again, next year it will probably be drop off anyway. Let it go though as there's nothing you can do about it now.

Of course she shouldn't have stepped in, however having a crew of young children running around a house, is going to end badly particularly if not challenged immediately, unless you were there to stop it I would be grateful that another parent stepped up and helped out !

He didn't really see the nonsense this woman was doing though. I don't discount his opinion but he isn't privy to the whole thing like I was.

Two pugs! They were mostly sitting on various laps the whole afternoon ☺️

It would annoy me but the only thing I'd step in on is the presents. In future keep her busy with jobs and give her a running order. Sit back and enjoy!

Sometimes. He's very unruffled by most things so I think to him any reaction that isn't "well, let's get it sorted" or "OK, let's fix this" seems unusual, if that makes sense? He's also not very good with picking up social dynamics sometimes.

Haha that's true. A free party organizer so I can enjoy the festivities 🤣🤣🤣

see your future interactions with her as an opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal with difficult people.

It was wrong for her to override your instructions, for example on the timing of opening gifts, but I suspect she's probably not a good listener and perhaps didn't even hear what you'd said. I'd "let it go" because it was weeks ago so there's nothing you can do to change it, but either don't invite her again or be prepared to intervene firmly and immediately if she tries to "help" and INSIST that she's a guest and must leave it to you and DH while she enjoys the party.

Curious, though, how your daughter was saying "thank you" the wrong way? If she's trying to teach you daughter manners that's probably an overstep, and it's definitely NOT OK if she was correcting her on things you would not have done.

⭐️

DD had a bite of some snack (might have been a new flavour of crisp) and said "thank you, I don't like it very much" and then alpha mum "jokingly" told her that's not how we say thank you. It felt a bit performative to be honest because I'm just grateful DD said thank you at all instead of "it's horrid!".