To think a guest shouldn't take over the party?

[OnePoisedLilacEagle]

DD (4) had a birthday party a few weeks back. Small-ish thing, about 10 children, mostly nursery friends. One of the mums (who I get on with fine, nothing dramatic) started to “help” which I thought was nice at first. But then she kind of took over?

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”), told the kids when they could do the presentd (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) and repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”).

She also asked another child not to run in my house and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there.

I was a bit taken aback but didn’t say anything at the time because party, kids, noise, didn’t want to make it awkward.

Afterwards DH said I was being oversensitive and that she was “just helping” and probably thought I was overwhelmed. But I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d done that in someone else’s house I’d be mortified.

I mentioned it casually to a friend and she said some parents just have “strong hosting instincts” and I should let it go. The offending mum is a very alpha mum, Amandaland vibes really and the whole thing felt very psychological warfare-ish.

AIBU to feel a bit undermined and that she was incredibly rude? Or is this one of those things where you smile, say thanks and move on?

I think your New Year's resolution should be to take am assertiveness course.

She was very rude!

I think telling children not to run, and not to soup juice are fine, and I’d find that helpful.
Rearranging the food and deciding when to open presents…no. That would piss me off but I wouldn’t have it. I’d rearrange the food right back, and I’d be overruling her on the gifts.

Nothing you can do about it now, you were blindsided by her behaviour but you can watch out for her next time and not allow her to do it again!

I'd suggest that you need to learn to speak up at the time. Using excuses about busy-ness and the party... are just excuses. You don't have to be unpleasant, but you do need to learn to speak up and not whinge afterwards, imo

To be fair if I saw any child running / spilling juice / jumping on furniture in anyone's house I'd tell them off too. Imagine a whole cup of blackcurrant got knocked over, you didn't realise and 2 hours later your lovely grey carpet needed serious scrubbing. Your learning curve here is : don't have the party at home. Especially once it's a whole reception class

Ask if he can saw her in half 🤣

Tbh if my own child had said that I would have corrected her. Did the mum correct her because you didn’t? Maybe people were looking uncomfortable or wondering why your DD said that so the mum just said it ‘jokingly’ to move things on.

I’ve got visions of Amanda from motherland when I read this !

😂😂😂

I guess a lot is about the tone. It sounds really chaotic and I’d be delighted if someone else took on some responsibility for making sure children weren’t rampaging around spilling juice - once one child starts running, they all follow suit and it becomes total chaos. Rearranging the food and telling your own child how to behave is something I’d only expect from a very good friend. It’s a huge number of children for a home party so it makes sense to have all the parents taking some responsibility for the children so that part would just be appreciated by me.

@OnePoisedLilacEagle re thank you i don't like it praise your daughter for honesty ! It will make life much easier

Sounds like an episode of Motherland!

I used to find it took a village to run the birthday party and totally enjoyed friends taking over and leading! I think you are being Overly sensitive. Don’t worry about it. X

@Freesiapleaser i wouldn't tell any child off for running no. A gentle reminder to walk maybe .

I have no fear of anything being spilled here because I have sturdy.durable furnishings that suit children.
All my chairs and sofas have washable and replaceable covers for which the replacement versions are ready to go .
Flooring is hard wearing and sensible again.

If a child spills a drink on a precious grey carpet I'd say silly for having a precious grey carpet !!

NAH. Other than the changing the present time, I think she was being, or at least trying to be, helpful - i mean do you want kids running in your house or spills you may have missed.

But I think its cool, if you feel it was too much but then you have to say in the moment - thanks, Ive got this

• The child behaved perfectly. She said thank you and then was honest about it. Why on earth does that need correcting it's perfect and stops her being offered more of the undesirable crisps .

No wonder we have a society where people are afraid to be honest !

This person has clearly over stepped two main boundaries there with organising present time and correcting a child unnecessarily.

Some people are just control freaks. They have to take charge of every situation. I know quite a few people like this.

You had dogs at a birthday party that involved other people's children. Not fair on the dogs. Definitely a bad idea with unfamiliar children around

Fucking hell, she tried helping and you're on mumsnet slagging her off.

Do you not like her or are you jealous because she's "popular"?

Even your friend and DH have tried to shut this down. Listen.

Talking about others is a nasty trait and makes you the mean girl. If I heard you talking like this I'd be giving you a wide berth and you'd find your kids are lnt invited to stuff. Your friend and dh have been clear you're being unpleasant.

It's noine else's fault you feel too weak to just ignore her suggestions and call the kids for presents anyway (FYI I don't think I've been to a kids birthday party where presents are opened woth other kids around. Is she actually your SIL?)

Village halls with ceilings high enough for bouncy castles are superb for this sort of thing. As are cardboard party boxes with the food ready divided. We never had parties at home.

Why on earth didn't you say something at the time? No use moaning on here weeks after the event.

I don't mind when people want to run things, but when it's my house, I've organised, for my child/family I don't really like it. My sister does things like this. Before Christmas she came to visit and I had to tell her to stop telling DD and the dog off. She thought she was helping but she was telling them to stop doing things that they're allowed to do in their own home.

Interestingly, my mum then told me off for making her feel bad, which irritated me more...it wasn't a great visit TBF.

My DCs are much older now. They used to open presents after the party not during it. Has the etiquette changed back in the last 10 or so years?

We had a birthday party for DD shortly after we moved and she’d moved schools. Another mum took over and I thought she was being helpful as I hadn’t got to know the kids or the other mums by then.

Haha I thought exactly the same: "they let their dogs loose in all this!?" but then you came back with this update. Pugs, well that's a different matter. Best day of their lives, I expect!