To think a guest shouldn't take over the party?

[OnePoisedLilacEagle]

DD (4) had a birthday party a few weeks back. Small-ish thing, about 10 children, mostly nursery friends. One of the mums (who I get on with fine, nothing dramatic) started to “help” which I thought was nice at first. But then she kind of took over?

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”), told the kids when they could do the presentd (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) and repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”).

She also asked another child not to run in my house and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there.

I was a bit taken aback but didn’t say anything at the time because party, kids, noise, didn’t want to make it awkward.

Afterwards DH said I was being oversensitive and that she was “just helping” and probably thought I was overwhelmed. But I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d done that in someone else’s house I’d be mortified.

I mentioned it casually to a friend and she said some parents just have “strong hosting instincts” and I should let it go. The offending mum is a very alpha mum, Amandaland vibes really and the whole thing felt very psychological warfare-ish.

AIBU to feel a bit undermined and that she was incredibly rude? Or is this one of those things where you smile, say thanks and move on?

Thank god someone said it. Of course it’s rude. I’d be embarrassed if my child said that on opening a present 😬

She’s probably a bit of a nob but I shouldn’t worry about it. I know why you are holding on to it, it’s because you wish you had done or said something at the time (there’s probably a psychological term for this) so you are replaying it in your head. It would have been awkward if you had said anything because she was being quite helpful and most likely polite, there is a small chance she completely didn’t mean to over step and you would have hurt her feelings had you said something which I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do if she was well meaning, tell yourself you took the higher ground. The good news is, this is completely avoidable next time. Drop offs for party, have the party elsewhere with minimum parental control, invite fewer kids and therefore not hers etc etc.

Do we have the same sister 😂

The only interfering mum sounds a right patronising PITA. She seems to have been doing her best to make you feel inadequate. I would have been annoyed too though, like you, wouldn't have raised it at the time. The way your daughter said than you also sounded fine to me as is the crisps were not some gift she should pretend to like so of course it's fine to say thanks but I don't like them much.

I think you (and possibly @Coconutter24) have misunderstood - the child said this about a snack they had tried, not a present.

It’s rude and seems ungrateful, I know the child is only 4 but that’s why as parents we step in and teach isn’t it

I’m not sure why you’re getting lots of arsey responses painting you as the problem, that’s not what I see in the OP at all. I see a bossy cow with main character syndrome taking over. She’s probably one of those insufferable being-a-mum-is-my-whole-identity types who thinks she’s god’s gift to children. I would give her a very wide berth in future. Sorry she ruined your DD’s party. I wouldn’t have forced a confrontation on the day either, people like this don’t generally take it well and your DD was the priority, not making a scene.

@ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast

But the child didn't say it over a present
It was about a new flavour crisp?
So it's not rude at all and perfectly acceptable response which thanks the person but also then stops them for handing out more stuff.

It wasn't a response to a present though.

DD had a bite of some snack (might have been a new flavour of crisp) and said "thank you, I don't like it very much

Presumably these are crisps bought by her own mum, for her own birthday party, offered to her to try in her own home. I think people who think you should eat anything you're given and pretend to like it are psychopaths.

(How rude of me 😂)

edited for typos, missing words, etc 🤦

Why is it ungrateful? Do you like everything you have ever eaten?

Move on, but don’t let it happen again. I don’t think the running child and spilt juice are so terrible, but I'd be very annoyed by the other stuff.

Be assertive. You could have rearranged the food so it was how you wanted it ("Thanks, but I prefer it like this") and had the presents at the time of your choice ("No, I'm going to do the present-giving after the cake"). When she told DD off you could have said "That’s fine, DD, well done for saying thank you". Because you said nothing, she probably feels you welcomed her interference.

I think you’re right, the first time OP mentions it, it appears to sound like she’s talking about presents but the second time it’s mentioned she’s actually talking about food

Don’t be ridiculous.

It’s just been picked up that I’ve mistaken presents for food

Ah ok, fair enough 😁

This!.

we had someone join our mums group (mental health coffee morning thing that myself and a couple of other mums set up for anyone who needed a chat or support etc) who just couldn’t stop trying to totally take over. She had to be in control of everything. Main character kinda thing. It really unsettled me at the time and I couldn’t process why.

years later it turns out she likes joining things, completely overtaking everything, then takes the glory. Very strange individual

After reading this thread and some of the replies I am so bloody glad that I just had a couple of friends and my Mum along with husband as ‘helpers’ at my children’s parties. Yes when very little I only invited family and close friends but once at school ,drop off and run was the form. Can only remember one child throughout x3 parties per year who needed her Mum present .

Ah ok, apologies, I have misunderstood

Alphamum probably sums it up, yes she was rude but probably doesn’t even realise she’s doing it.
Don’t waste time stressing over it

I wouldn’t like it either but I think I’d have had to say something. Rearranging the food is one thing but telling your own child what they can and can’t do in their own house is another completely.

Can you send her to my house please? She sounds like a life saver 😅

Ive known lots of “alpha mum” bossy types - yep the behaviour is rude, but I do often find it’s the way they show they care. They’re trying to help you!

I get why you’re annoyed, but life is soooo much easier when you just accept harmless (because let’s face it this is very harmless) behaviour in the way it’s intended rather than the worst possible way.

I’m maybe just very well used to this - my mother is this way inclined. I feel grateful that growing up with her has given me confidence in dealing with these types of people - eg the presents thing, I’m baffled that you didn’t just say “haha no let’s do them now, thanks though Amanda - oh I love what you’ve done with the crisp arrangement (or whatever nonsense she was up to with your food)” just thank them for the helpful stuff, which validates them, and then redirect them when they overstep. Problem solved! But I can see it might be hard if you grown up in a more passive family for example

Good thing the child wasn't opening a present when she said it, then! She said it on tasting a crisp.

It sounds like a mixture of genuine help and being weirdly over controlling which led to overriding things you'd already done.

Telling kids off for spilling juice or running around I think is fine, it's reasonable to assume you don't want those things to happen at a party unless you'd expressly said otherwise.

Rearranging food on a table because 'they'll never eat it like that' and overriding your decision about when to open presents is weirdly controlling and implied criticism of how you had planned things, and I think most people would be annoyed and not 'glad of the help' because changing how you've done things that you were happy with isn't helpful! It's like the 'help' of a mother in law coming over uninvited and re arranging drawers and cupboards which most mumenetters would hate.

And it's OK to post about minor annoyances, it doesn't mean you've been ruminating on it the whole time if it was a few weeks later and it doesn't mean you 'need to look inwards'. The woman was annoying and you got annoyed, that's it, in my opinion.

This really. Why are people always so passive?

Sorry, wtf are you allowing presents to be opened during a party- all should be done privately. This is so the child opening them doesn’t get overwhelmed and the people attending the party (assuming you include children from all financial walks of life) don’t get embarrassed if Penelope has bought birthday child something expensive and Bella could only afford to bring something comparatively cheap, because that’s all they could afford. (I can’t word this well).