To think a guest shouldn't take over the party?

[OnePoisedLilacEagle]

DD (4) had a birthday party a few weeks back. Small-ish thing, about 10 children, mostly nursery friends. One of the mums (who I get on with fine, nothing dramatic) started to “help” which I thought was nice at first. But then she kind of took over?

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”), told the kids when they could do the presentd (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) and repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”).

She also asked another child not to run in my house and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there.

I was a bit taken aback but didn’t say anything at the time because party, kids, noise, didn’t want to make it awkward.

Afterwards DH said I was being oversensitive and that she was “just helping” and probably thought I was overwhelmed. But I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d done that in someone else’s house I’d be mortified.

I mentioned it casually to a friend and she said some parents just have “strong hosting instincts” and I should let it go. The offending mum is a very alpha mum, Amandaland vibes really and the whole thing felt very psychological warfare-ish.

AIBU to feel a bit undermined and that she was incredibly rude? Or is this one of those things where you smile, say thanks and move on?

But my comment wasn't about you it was addressed to op who didn't say a word at the time so she is not assertive. Btw screaming in someone's face is not being assertive that is being extremely aggressive. Glaring at someone is also not being assertive but aggressive.

Isn’t the whole point of this thread that it’s up to the OP how she runs her child’s party? Presents during party is not something that I, personally, would do, but there is no “should” about it. There are no rules. She can do what she likes.

Yes, I have acknowledged

It is quite telling that both the OP’s husband and friend, who were both at the party, have essentially told the OP to stop being over sensitive about it.

Maybe this was why she 'helpfully' stepped in?

I’d just use working class humour and take the piss - ‘hey mate, why are rearranging the whole table? It took me ages to do that…what’s wrong with carrot sticks next to wotsits? They’re 4…they won’t give a shit!’ ‘Oh bloody hell Amanda, sit down love, if you want to help that badly you can stay behind and clear up while me and DH go to the pub!’ ‘Come on now, why are you stressing NOW? Do you need a glass of Prosecco to calm down?’

What is wrong with you? Did you leave your big girl pants down the back of the sofa or something? It's your house , personally I would have just let her crack on, but if it bothered you why the bejeezus didn't you say something, or just head her off.

And I hope you spoke up immediately and praised your daughter for her very grown up response?

Or were you too feeble even to protect your own daughter? She was the birthday girl and should have been having a special day, not being told off by some random adult 😲

YNBU but I just let that sort take over and chill myself. I must give off an in alpha vibe because I seem to attract bossy types.

Exactly what I was thinking!

I am one of three....the other is much more capable of letting me parent my own child in my own home...are you her!?

This sounds almost identical to a situation at my house years ago during a birthday party. We were young (5-6) and one of the parents stayed to “help” and keep an eye on her child. Absolutely fine!

Apart from she manned the food table, re arranged and told everyone, including me the birthday girl how much food we were allowed to take. She changed the music whenever song came on she didn’t like and tried to get the pass the parcel out before my mum even got a look in. Told the children where to sit during presents and cake. Just basically took over whilst her son was causing havoc outside…

Very odd indeed. I do remember my mum trying to say “that’s ok I’ve got this” but woman wasn’t having anything. They wasn’t invited over again haha

Very strange! I like to make myself useful at parties (social awkwardness so I like to be busy rather than chit chat) but I’d never take over like that.

No I only have the one sister but she’s always been prone to bossiness. We had a lot of arguments year’s ago as I wasn’t going to put up with it. She was born that way so has never really changed and probably has no awareness (despite me telling her) what a bossy boots she is 😁

Trust me if my sister was your sister you’d be screaming in her face too, I promise you 😁

Maybe our sister's have twins they didn't know about then!

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”) - annoying but also potentially helpful if you had arranged it in a way that would Be hard for the kids to self serve.

I told the kids when they could do the presents (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) Not ok but I also don’t think you should have opened at the party at all. I’ve not seen this at any party my children have gone to.

repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”). Annoying

She also asked another child not to run in myhouse and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there. I’d have no issue with this

I'd have issue with her telling off someone else's kid in my house for an accidental juice spill. Kids spill, it happens, telling them off for it doesn't happen in my house. We just go "woops, go pop it somewhere safe while we clean this up, never mind".

What's the point in telling them off? And who is that woman to be telling off someone else's kid in someone else's house? What's it to her?

Everyone else had everything else covered. It’s a very American thing to open presents at parties, not normal or civilised, creates definite money barriers. Things like this and 101 bridesmaids at weddings, saying the word gifted, is becoming stupidly normal in the UK and it’s thanks to American movies/tv/media.
My sister once had a mum tell her that they couldn’t afford a present so child wouldn’t be able to come to the party. My sister told her they didn’t invite them for a present but for their company. This child didn’t get asked/go to many parties because they couldn’t afford to buy a gift and was so excited to actually go to one. They did bring a small gift because said child wanted to take a gift like everyone else. Opening presents should always be done after the party is over.

Id say, with a lovely cheerful voice ‘actually helpful guest, we are going to open presents at X’ at the time 😁.
I’m going to assume positive intent. No one is helping at a 4 year olds party because they are a nasty person 🤷‍♀️

Yes please ⭐

This is exactly my view on it.

What was said? Post is deleted

Bossy of her though. Totally lacking in self awareness on her part to dictate when presents get opened at someone else’s party in someone else’s home. At least OP is now aware of Ms Bossy Boots and can deal better with the situation if there’s a next time.