To think a guest shouldn't take over the party?

[OnePoisedLilacEagle]

DD (4) had a birthday party a few weeks back. Small-ish thing, about 10 children, mostly nursery friends. One of the mums (who I get on with fine, nothing dramatic) started to “help” which I thought was nice at first. But then she kind of took over?

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”), told the kids when they could do the presentd (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) and repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”).

She also asked another child not to run in my house and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there.

I was a bit taken aback but didn’t say anything at the time because party, kids, noise, didn’t want to make it awkward.

Afterwards DH said I was being oversensitive and that she was “just helping” and probably thought I was overwhelmed. But I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d done that in someone else’s house I’d be mortified.

I mentioned it casually to a friend and she said some parents just have “strong hosting instincts” and I should let it go. The offending mum is a very alpha mum, Amandaland vibes really and the whole thing felt very psychological warfare-ish.

AIBU to feel a bit undermined and that she was incredibly rude? Or is this one of those things where you smile, say thanks and move on?

I don't think so and regardless, telling other children off and rearranging the food table doesn't really have any impact on her child. Maybe it does but in that case she should've told me prior.

I'm not really stewing, I just thought about it because I saw her post on Facebook and was reminded of her horrid behaviour at the party.

She helped the best way she could, amongst the chaos.
Most people would ask children to not run indoors.
The spilt juice was out of your eyesight so really could have been kids being silly.
You changed her status from a guest to a helper.
You agreed to her helping so you needed to give her a running sheet or better directions if you meant to micro manage her.

The only thing I would take offense at would be her altering the timing of present opening, given that you had already informed her of when that would be.
You should have clarified that and insisted No, that is later.

You could have stepped in to handle and help your DD say goodbyes and thank yous; the helper was not the person to correct your daughter.

Next time remember what you learnt this time.
Decline the help.

You really can't complain if you allowed her to take over and didn't do anything to challenge her behaviour with your DD on her birthday in your house.
Stewing about it later is useless, do something at the time.

It was a whole shuffling of the entire table! The crisps went from being in one section grouped together to being put in a row running along one side of the table. Things like that, hard to describe but it felt very much about control and not practicality.

This. Although instructing your daughter is overstepping and I've been uncomfortable with that too.

It feels like your reaction to her is over strong. Are you perhaps annoyed with yourself for letting her go too far and asserting your preferred running order for example?

She sounds a nightmare, and her behaviour would have got right up my nose. But not worth confronting her about it all these weeks later. Just be prepared for next year: "no I think we'll open presents now".

I don't like alpha mums, no! 😅😅😅

No, I won't be confronting her. Next year I'll probably put her in charge of helping the magician and she can take his situation over 🤣

I’d have had it all under control myself but would also have been grateful for any quiet, genuine, low key sort of help (as opposed to taking over the hosting)

Watch and wait OP. There will be other parties where you can more easily observe what sort of ‘helper’ she is. It will be easy to get the measure of her by the time your DC turns five.

Well, I've known her before she arrived at my house. So yes, I had an opinion of her prior!

I'll be watching at the other parties because I suspect this isn't her first or last attempt at "helping". She's already made some comments about giving the nursery staff her feedback or thoughts on how to do some things better. This woman was sending WhatsApp messages to all the parents with recipes for Nigella Lawson cookie dough pots as a "suggested" treat someone could make!!

Because everyone is different. Not everyone will respond in the same way as you would. Not everyone likes confrontation. Faced with a forceful person in an already stressful situation, some people can feel a bit blindsided and not process what has happened until afterwards. Especially if what happened was a build up of smaller incidents.

OP, the other mum was unreasonable. I don’t think you can do much now but a way to move on from feeling annoyed by it is to plan for next time. If your child wants to invite her child to another party make it clear other parents are not staying. If she needs to stay for whatever reason, you’ll be prepared. You know what she’s like and you can plan how you might respond to her.

She sounds utterly ghastly. If you are ever in the same situation, be prepared and nip it in the bud early. Just stop her. "No thank you, that's the way we've decided to do it." Preferably never let her past the door again. Pretty sure she'll be bleating to her clique (bet she's got one) about how she had to step in and take over as you were obviously incompetent.

Are you the overbearing woman from the party? You sound very invested in this.

That was definitely the vibe. Very "oh darling, let me help - you seem flustered!". I really wasn't - it was actually a fun party outside of her antics. I don't see how rearranging a fruit plate or scolding random children for stuff I don't care about would even be helpful if I was overwhelmed. She was on some sort of alpha mum power trip, I think!

She sounds really annoying and it would have wound me up. It’s the kind of thing that would bug me weeks later and I’d wish I’d said something. So I very much get where you’re coming from!

I don't think it's that deep. I don't particularly enjoy her but I also don't avoid her or her triggered by her. She's a bit annoying, that's all.

The thing is I really haven't been thinking about this for weeks. I was annoyed the day after but moved on. I only thought of it because she's been posting on Facebook about a party and it reminded me of how she acted at my party.

At the same time, I agree with you and other posters. Sometimes we need to think about things to process them.