To think a guest shouldn't take over the party?

[OnePoisedLilacEagle]

DD (4) had a birthday party a few weeks back. Small-ish thing, about 10 children, mostly nursery friends. One of the mums (who I get on with fine, nothing dramatic) started to “help” which I thought was nice at first. But then she kind of took over?

She rearranged the food I’d put out (“they’ll never eat it like that”), told the kids when they could do the presentd (I’d said after cake, she decided at the very end) and repeatedly corrected DD in front of everyone (“no, darling, that’s not how we say thank you”).

She also asked another child not to run in my house and told them off for spilling juice before I could even get there.

I was a bit taken aback but didn’t say anything at the time because party, kids, noise, didn’t want to make it awkward.

Afterwards DH said I was being oversensitive and that she was “just helping” and probably thought I was overwhelmed. But I can’t shake the feeling that if I’d done that in someone else’s house I’d be mortified.

I mentioned it casually to a friend and she said some parents just have “strong hosting instincts” and I should let it go. The offending mum is a very alpha mum, Amandaland vibes really and the whole thing felt very psychological warfare-ish.

AIBU to feel a bit undermined and that she was incredibly rude? Or is this one of those things where you smile, say thanks and move on?

Your actions suggest otherwise though - you're ruminating on this several weeks later and set up this thread to vent.

When someone or something annoys me this much, it's usually a sign to look inwards - are there parts of yourself you don't like or accept being highlighted by this woman?

Kids parties are like visiting the very depths of hell. People are aware of this and do thankfully get involved. Think friends did at all of mine, and I helped back at theirs, and it worked.

She’s probably just helping but has an unfortunate manner that you should probably just put up with to gain the help!

She's a type A alpha mum and I find that a bit annoying at times, but that's also the exact opposite of me. I don't really care about making the perfect cookies and sending DD off to nursery in a perfectly ironed dress. Life's too short in my opinion! So I'm not sure there's anything in her I see reflected in me...

That's true, it's just her way. I've seen how she dominates things and hey, some people are like that. Best to go with the flow! Although she'll be assigned magician duty at next year's party 🤣

I agree, but this woman feels and acts differently, but that isn't any reflection on you and your choice is it, it's about her. I think use your anger and frustration to apply better boundaries with her in future and don't waste any energy ruminating on what she does or doesn't do.

Don’t worry she sounds like she’s got a complete lack of social awareness! I find people like that draining. Help is where you volunteer then listen to what’s being asked of you and take direction from the host.

Your friend and DH are right in you should forget about it now and stop wasting time worrying about things you can’t change. The thing you can change is to limit your interactions with her and don’t invite her next time or tell her not to worry about helping as it’s under control.

It sounds like the party was quite chaotic. You weren’t phased by that and were just rolling with the chaos. She didn’t like the chaos, was trying to restore some kind of order and overstepped the mark in the process.

That's true. If rearranging a fruit plate helps her, have at it. Just don't tell my DD off or tell off another child over spilling some juice!

Maybe she just fancied chatting about it now. Why are you trying to shame her for that?

What do you mean this mum rearranged when you would do the presents? Do you mean the gifts were opened at the party.

Surely this is done after the guests leave (I'm 3 DC and a decade into kids parties as well as having 20 niblings and I've never known gifts being opened at the actual party?)

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what you mean.

You could have used your words. ‘Actually, I don’t mind running in my house’, ‘No no, we do the cake right after presents everyone’, ‘Oh I am quite happy when DD says thank you this way’. That’s not awkward, it does not take extra time during a busy party, it is simply: using your words. I truly don’t understand why you could not simply communicate how you wanted this party to run - in your own home. It baffles me.

She sounds bossy I find bossy people go into auto pilot and really think things should be done their way.
I often find teachers like this as they used to telling children what to do they continue this outside classroom
Guess next year your child school age parents won't come to or hang around at parties. If it seems they are continuing to do that in your area just book soft play type party where it left to others and she can't be annoying you

I have stepped in when a mum is clearly overwhelmed and doesn't know how to get unruly kids to calm down when things are getting out of hand. But I have always waited for the mum to say something first and I have always been thanked afterwards. Some mums don't want to be "the bad guy" so they fear telling kids to calm down/stop jumping on furniture/throw objects.

It's hard to know if the OP in this case had "control" and the kids were just being noisy and having fun or if it was getting out of control. I'm used to working with kids so it comes quite naturally to "parent" kids but I would never step in when parents are present unless things were getting totally out of control and the parents weren't reacting.

I would have been extremely irritated about the present opening, and actually intervened and asserted that that was done when I decided. I would also have been irritated about the food arranging in my own home.
Constantly correcting your child is also odd when you are there.

I would have been grateful to her for reminding the child not to run and spill juice, as that is helpful for avoiding extra mess to clear up in your own home.

Our dogs always came to the parties. 4 kids probably 8 parties each at home plus Halloween parties and mine and DH parties with and without so around about 40 odd parties and never had a single issue.

What your daughter said would be almost unimaginably polite for a Spanish child. And seems perfectly polite for a British child. Think that's proof that she's just meddling for the sake of it. Another time you'll be forearmed, at least.

Yes, definitely rude and domineering behaviour. Some people just can't help themselves, she probably has no idea how she comes across and thinks everyone believes she's so helpful and organised 😂

She is annoying and you are over thinking. Next year don't let her help, don't invite them or whatever but don't give it another thought to this.

I was going to ask if she was a teacher?
Perhaps it's too outing to say.

I do agree with this. You don’t have any other choice but to move on at this point! You could have said at the time, “Thanks, Susan - but I’ve got this and I want to do it this way”. But what are you going to do now? If you raise it with her, you will look very odd indeed. If your DH’s take is that she was just trying to help, I’d chalk it up to experience and just move on.

TBH I think I would have reacted (or not reacted) in much the same way, although it's over 20 years since I last had to do a children's party at home. It's not easy to say things that might cause an argument or uncomfortable atmosphere in front of lots of other people, and this woman does sound like the sort of person who would be quick to take offence. What I think you should have said is a very simple, polite and unemotional statement each time: "Thanks, but I want the plates like this." "Thanks, but I've told them we will do presents after dinner." "Don't worry, kids that age do spill things." "It's OK, we don't have a no running rule here." That would either get her to back off or if she argued about it then she'd look unreasonable. Only if she continued to impose her ideas after several polite redirections could you then come out with something a bit more direct: "I appreciate you're trying to help, but it's Polly's party, it's Polly's house and we've planned it the way we want it, so please don't change anything."

I also very much understand how you can still feel a bit disgruntled about what happened from time to time, without necessarily having been thinking about it continuously ever since. I don't think there's anything unusual or unreasonable about not having felt able to say anything at the time. All you can do is rehearse possible ways of dealing with similar situations in future.

And now I know that there is apparently such a thing as 'a strong hosting instinct'. Well I never.

Completely overbearing

I know a mum like this - I like her actually but can be annoying at parties and when volunteering at the school. I just ignore her and let her ‘boss me about’ but I still carry on doing everything my own way and let her crack on.
It’s just her way and definitely nothing personal (that’s how I view it anyway)
I’d definitely not view it as psychological warfare.