Child protection plan - Devastated

[SENSummer]

Posting for traffic as SEN board is quiet.

We have a high needs AUADHD non verbal DS. Specialist school, learning disabilities and challenging behaviour. Lovely but hard work and disregulates in school holidays. His home carer recently quit due to his violence and not feeling safe which they put in writing and I shared with SS.

I gave up work (both professionals) and became DS carer (also has a younger sibling) and have absolutely advocated for him every step of the way.
We kept asking for additional support and being denied at panel. DS is almost 6 but huge, 9-10 clothes. We reached breaking point this Christmas. We felt we couldn’t keep him or ourselves safe in the home and were really at the end of our tether. I rang social services and recounted how uncomfortable we were with the events of Christmas, said we wanted to consider section 20 or residential school if they wouldn’t help us further. They had a meeting this week and put both kids on child protection plans. Said DS is staying with us as we are what’s best for him.

Im just completely devastated. Barely stopped crying for 24 hours.

There were quite a few inaccuracies told in the meeting that compiled made us look really negative. There’s also things like DS having a safety gate over his room which everyone (including SS and OT) has known about all along and never raised issue with but now it’s a massive issue.
I can evidence most of these things but I’m terrified to even try. They have all clearly decided we are now the problem. Apparently the police who were in the meeting (never had police involvement in our lives) heard all of this and were very unhappy.

No one has ever had an issue with our parenting if anything I’ve always been commended for my perseverance with DS. I honestly wish I’d never said anything, we just really needed help.

A lawyer has no authority to speak at a CP conference

@SENSummerIf he’s living at home still, why is he not toilet trained at 6? I have a child with autism and yes it is very difficult to do but to get beyond 3/4 even with Autism I find difficult to understand if he’s deemed best to be at home? At age 6 it must incredibly tough to change him especially if he’s in 9-10 clothes :( Obviously I’m aware some disabled adults aren’t ever trained which is what I’m getting at - in my experience they’re usually in residential care due to the equipment required for lifting, amongst many, many other reasons. Surely if your son is sadly within this category then I’m amazed it’s not clear to them that he requires professional, residential care.

Obviously I don't know all of your situation, but I completely sympathise. You've been managing in an incredibly difficult situation, and from my experience sometimes these people have no clue. My comfort for you is that while the social workers can sometimes be complete idiots, usually the chairs of the CP conferences are quite smart and switched on and I believe will be able to see the situation for what it is. Obviously humiliating and painful, but its possible you may get support and insights that will benefit you in the longer term..

I have little advice but I’m sorry. The system will always find a way to turn it around and blame someone else in order not to help.

Doesn’t your other child also has relatively high needs? Or am I confusing you with someone else? I thought you said they both got DLA?

Not wanting to derail the thread or stress the OP further but police will make their own decisions re whether a crime of neglect needs to be recorded and it will be decided within the discussion whether the s47 enquiry will be joint or single agency. Obviously if it doesn’t meet a criminal threshold then it will be single agency, but even a crime of neglect can be left with CS.

My point being that there can be concerns of neglect that are not criminal and concern of neglect that are necessary to record a crime. In either case the outcome can be CS lead on their own.

He is toilet trained but not dry at night the OP said

and he isn’t six, he’s five

You haven’t been put on a plan yet. I’ve been where you are. My eldest had a very challenging couple of years due to AuDHD and mental health issues. All of my children including my unborn child were part of the investigation as subjects of possible harm from her. You should get a copy of their meeting paperwork. There were several inconsistencies in mine, I emailed the lead social worker and made sure they corrected them ahead of the final decision meeting. Everyone involved in your son’s care will be present including yourselves and there’s nothing to stop you bringing legal representation also. You will get your chance to put your case forward and verbally correct any misconceptions too. There will be a vote at the end of the meeting as to whether the children are subject to a plan.

The thing is, you aren’t coping. You’ve made it really clear. And that’s ok. In my case my daughter got help and improved, but I also have a severely disabled family member who did end up going into residential care and I suspect eventually this will be the case with your child. You are going to have to tough it out til then unfortunately and fight your corner as best you can. Cut the fear and get fierce! Gather all of your evidence, get a lawyer on board, get your ducks in a row before the meeting.

If they do or don’t decide to put them on a plan your main focus should be this; what are you going to do for us to alleviate our situation? What will you do to help me keep my other DC safe? What can you do to stop our complete burnout? What will you do if you don’t assist us and the situation becomes completely untenable? Turn it on them, really push them for concrete strategies. They always aim to keep kids in their own homes, ask them how this will be possible in the context you’re currently facing.
Hopefully whatever happens you can get an
outcome that starts to improve things.

You appear to have very narrow experience. Of course some children are not toilet trained by 6. Some may need support as adults, but it doesn't mean that they all need specialist equipment and residential care.

Op I have three kids with SEN. One with very significant needs. The threat of CP when you reach breaking point is very common. I only had the verbal threat. Once I said "great come and get them tomorrow" it was then all denied. You either need the hide of a Rhino or be a good game player. The system for violent SEN kids is full of BS from my personal experience.

Use your evidence and correct the mistakes. Make sure everything has a paper trail. Get a SAR for your SC notes if you have too.

How about a private SW? Not cheap but cheaper than a lawyer. I had a stage three complaint about my ds socail care team. Very upsetting but it proved they had taken no notes, not followed process and not followed up when I phoned the duty case officer in tears ( was told it should have triggered something. It wasn't followed up).

What is school like? SEN school has always been my best advocate. I have been told I'm doing a fantastic job while planning to run away.

I'm sorry. It's just shit. I had a plan to get to the other end of the country and never be traced or found. That's inspiring to my SC team.

I could be you! It’s funny how they (SS) run a mile when you say ‘yep, please come and take him/her’!

They’ve not been able to do that for years. There’s just no capacity.

I am really sorry and I can’t imagine the stress you must be under as a parent, but as someone who has a lot of experience with the system from my sister, it was always going to go this way if you told them you couldn’t cope. From your other posts here; your husband doesn’t create the best atmosphere either. They’re right to be worried, but it feels horrible.

You clearly don't know very much about disabled adults with incontinence. Hoists absolutely are fitted in homes.

You are not unfit OP. You were doing your best in an almost impossible situation. That isn't family life - it's a life sentence for your family. You can't work, you can't live, you can't do anything.
You will always love your son. Regardless of if he lives with you. You have to be safe and have a bit of dignity too, as does your other child and husband and if that means the family isn't together devastatingly that is what has to happen.

Get a lawyer who specialised in FII as well as SEN.

Good advice here op.
Turn it back to them.
This is necessary process and hopegullyvwill lead to the help you need
Can your local parent partnership provide someone to sit on meetings with you and take notes etc?

your main focus should be this; what are you going to do for us to alleviate our situation? What will you do to help me keep my other DC safe? What can you do to stop our complete burnout? What will you do if you don’t assist us and the situation becomes completely untenable? Turn it on them, really push them for concrete strategies. They always aim to keep kids in their own homes, ask them how this will be possible in the context you’re currently facing.

thoughts are with you OP. No experience of child protection process ( though I had SW involvement as was very mentally unwell after my baby’s birth , but it was overall a positive support for me) . At the end of the day you don’t feel able to provide the care your child needs and still be able to parent your other child well and keep them safe as well…if you can’t do both at the same time then you can’t do it. If it’s anything like elderly care, I would just keep saying that you are unable to provide safe care for your older child whilst keeping your other child safe too and repeat, repeat ,repeat until they acquiesce or acknowledge your families needs .The problem is that they don’t want to take your child as they then have to be responsible and their financial costs will be so much more. It’s an utterly heartbreaking situation for your family. Whatever pressure they put on you regarding the „neglect“. I can tell you from a friend who is an ex children’s SW that it will be nothing in comparison with some of the families that these SW are dealing with (and allowing kids to stay in homes with awful living conditions) .

Sorry I’ve not been through this myself and it sounds tough.

But could this actually help you get the support that you need?

If they think you’re coping fine then they’re not going to be quick to provide support but if you’re struggling and they think the children might be at risk because of it - then surely this will actually get someone to listen and help.

I feel for parents like you 💐

I'm so sorry OP. 💐 Sometimes local authorities do things like this in order to try and avoid having to pay for support for families of children with sen, they blame the childs needs on the parents and accuse them of neglect, hoping to frighten them into not pushing for any more care or support services.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP, there's nothing more heartbreaking than fighting so hard for your child and then having the people who are supposed to help you turn it on you.
From the sound of it they're just trying to flip blame to you so they don't have to give you anything more to help you. My DC is disabled and while I've never had to deal with SS myself, a school mum I speak to has for similar reasons and she's always saying how they would rather tell her she's doing everything wrong than ever offer help. But she says "If I'm doing it all wrong, why aren't they taking my child away?" And she even told them to take him if they're so confident he'll thrive with foster parents, which of course they didn't take him.
Give yourself a couple of days and do what we do best, wake up, puff out your chest and start the new fight. They're trying to scare you off and pass the blame from their own lack of support onto you. It's just another rubbish system that would rather point the finger because they have no means to help anymore.

This!

You asked for support and this is the way to get it. If the professionals meeting came to the conclusion that your son is best staying with you there can't be too many concerns about your parenting.

Please just go with it and let the professionals support you. By all means take representation with you to any meetings.

Have you contacted the local SENDIASS? If not do so, asap. They should be advocating for you with the LA, regarding educational provision.

I told a social worker that I would tell them I hit DD1 because I knew it was part of the criteria for SC. She said she couldn't write it down because she'd been watching DD1 hit me for an hour and I hadn't retaliated. I said 'don't you dare write that she's a happy child who likes attention.', because a previous assessment was closed with that line. We ended up being given 6 hours per week of support so I had a spare pair of hands after school.

Keep calm, it's ok. You need help, and this is the first step.

So sorry OP, you're being let down and as so often the failing services engage in a bit of victim blaming.

But as others have said, keep your cool and argue your case at the CP conference. Hopefully the SW you had on the phone was just overworked or rude. I hope things improve for you more quickly than you think.

I am a DSL. This is illegal to not invite the family to the conference.

Have you met with the head of his school? Was there anyone from school in the meeting or was it in the holidays? They should be able to support and advise on next steps etc.
I’ve been an SEN professional in child protection meetings having to explain why things have or haven’t been done due to a child’s complex needs or sensory difficulties.
I’m so sorry that you are in this situation after asking for help and support. Sadly situations reach crisis point before anyone actually listens.