To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

And at 9.30pm when OP had already been told 8pm. So whoever was invited to Anna’s wouldn’t have given a thought to the fact that OP would be left hanging about for an hour and a half wondering where everyone else was. Batshit and rude. I’d be giving them all a very wide berth from now on.

Anna is allowed to be closer to others in the group. You're closer to Phoebe.

You don't need to invite everyone to everything every time.

Anna didn’t seem to dislike OP enough to turn down the invitations to OP’s home though did she ? Of course Anna was within her rights to rescind the invitation. But saying she isn’t feeling well and it’s only a select few isn’t going to wash when she and most, if not all of the group turn up to the venue at 9.30 when OP was told they were meeting at 8pm, and has been hanging around for an hour and a half.

It’s convoluted and dishonest, and frankly if I wasn’t particularly close to any one member of the group, l’d ditch the lot of them rather than waste my energy trying to figure out who likes me and who doesn’t.

So I do think Anna is a dick. But, she also doesnt have to have you in her home if she doesnt want you there.

I wouldnt want to lose the other friends so id go to the party. Id tell Phoebe, Ive checked with Anna and shes feeling unwell so doesnt want everyone there so asked me to just meet you guys at the venue instead of her house so ill see you there.

And if Anna has the cheek to show up, id say loudly with a smile "Anna, im surprised to see you out i thought you were having cocktails with just a few of the group because of how poorly you were"

Again Anna is a dick

What is weird is the message is not coming direct from Anna it’s second hand from pheobe.

anna made it clear you were not welcome and has now said you can come to her house via a third person

personally I’d want an invite from her own mouth telling me I was wanted otherwise I’d not turn up to someones house when they have made me feel awkward

So I do think Anna is a dick. But, she also doesnt have to have you in her home if she doesnt want you there.

I wouldnt want to lose the other friends so id go to the party. Id tell Phoebe, Ive checked with Anna and shes feeling unwell so doesnt want everyone there so asked me to just meet you guys at the venue instead of her house so ill see you there.

And if Anna has the cheek to show up, id say loudly with a smile "Anna, im surprised to see you out i thought you were having cocktails with just a few of the group because of how poorly you were"

Again Anna is a dick. Enjoy the party

Personally I’d be messaging Phoebe back to tell her to shove it, and finding myself better friends.

So is it better if Anna says sorry I don’t like you so I don’t want you at house?

It’s always so weird to me on this website when people act like every interaction is always so easy to just be so upfront and go be the point. That’s not how people behave at all.

i hope this won’t happen here but if it does me and Katie can start our own thing

Was Katie not invited at all then?

Otherwise she would have been going to the disco alone to meet the others.

Sorry, I disagree with the posts above - yes of course you can do a smaller meet up with a few close friends - however excluding one (or two) people from a large group meet up because you "don't like them" is just mean. Unless of course they stole your boyfriend or kicked your cat or something.

Anna may as well have said exactly that to be honest, She rescinded the invitation and said only a couple of people were invited to the house because she wasn’t feeling well. I doubt that was the truth and she would have been outed when she and the rest of the drinks party turned up at 9.30, when OP had been told they were meeting at 8pm.

OP, and anyone else not invited to Anna’s (if there were any others) would have been left hanging around for an hour and a half, had Anna not contacted OP to say she couldn’t come to the house, but meet at the venue at 9.30. It’s weird, and it’s not the way friends treat other friends. Everything about Anna’s actions screams that she doesn’t like OP. And OP knows it.

Or Anna is unable to host tonight, do you want to come to mine 😀

Anna is a cow.

If you don’t want to go say to Phoebe why.

“sorry Phoebe thanks for inviting me but I think there’s been crossed wires somewhere- Anna doesn’t seem keen on me joining.” Hope you all have a good time and we can catch up another time”.

I don’t get how you can be well enough for the night out but not well enough to host one extra person. Call her out.

Ach, this sort of crap in friendship groups is so disappointing isn't it?
I think it's a common problem tbh. Valuable, reciprocal friends don't tend to come in a handy multi-pack. There are always one or two, if you were being honest, you cheerfully accept as part of the group but whom you wouldn't hang out with otherwise. In turn, you are that person to someone else. With that as a starting point and then adding a manipulator into the mix, you get this sort of a scenario.

Anna doesn't rate you OP...and that would be okay but for the fact that she's motivated to do something about it. She has sent a clear message to the group in her arrangement of this night in/out.

Personally, I think letting you go to the club alone for 9.30 while kicking off the night at her place for 9, was really shitty. There was no way they were going to make it for 9.30 to meet you there...and this woman knows it. She would rather have you waiting by yourself at a disco than invite you along to her house. She has separated you from the group not only in her estimation but physically too.
It's all been calculated in such a way as she can protest innocence while everyone understands the memo.

Manipulative people spoil everything.

This. She has form for excluding certain people. It's rude and unnecessary, and gives the impression that she has controlling tendencies. Not a great look in a friendship group.

Go to the event, but in future, don't bother to include her as much. In fact I'd be avoiding her as much as possible going forwards.. but that's just me! In my experience, these types of women rarely end up being anything other than a source of tension and conflict.

If you’re live posting ‘so much fun’ photos while still on your night out, you’re not having that much fun! I don’t think I’d be able to resist a ‘great photos, glad you were feeling well enough to go out :)’ comment.

To add, all those who are defending Anna's right to have her choice in who comes to her home are technically right.
However, given Anna accepts invites and attends social gatherings in OP's house regularly, while historically not inviting OP to the same in her home, I assume that Anna is a selfish cow.

@pictoosh yep. Of course she’s allowed not to invite me if she doesn’t want to - but please don’t continually come to my home for entertainment then refuse me in turn.

to keep doing that but refuse me last night was the real kicker.

Yes, accepting an invite to your place is useful networking for her. Not inviting you to her place is also useful networking for her.

Anna is a snake...ssssssss

anna is a dick

Don’t mention your feelings, or any of this to others in the Group.
I have no doubt that they would run it back to Queen Bee.
Not even Katie or Phoebe.
I would be taking a break from this lot.

Out of curiosity is it like 10 of you and Anna invited 2 or theres 4 of you and everyone except you was invited?

Doesnt make much difference just trying to figure out how much of a cow she is

Anna sounds ridiculous, definitely aiming to be the Queen Bee who wants to control who is in and out of the group. It also sounds like she wants to monopolise Pheobe - probably to be kept as her minion since you mention how nice and blinkard she is to this kind of shit.

Play the bitch at her own game and don't invite her to yours next time you host. Don't let her control or push you and Katie out of the group.

Absolutely ridiculous that grown women behave like this.

Already covered upthread - 10 in the group (including Anna) - only two women not invited.

It's pretty obvious what Annna's all about.

@KoalaBlue1 in general, I don’t think telling Katie today would result in this getting back to Anna. I trust her and she isn’t close to her. But I might not anyway, just want to enjoy my day.

I don’t have capacity in my life for this playground bullshit. I’m not going to let her push me out of the group and I’ll also keep focusing on my other one on one friendships.