To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

Go to the 70s thing but not to Anna's.

People don't always have to meet up as large groups. There's nothing wrong.with ones who might feel more connected to meet up without others.

Anna isn't doing anything wrong but Phoebe should have checked before she invited you to Anna's. Nor does Anna have to explain her reasons or not being well to anyone.

I've recently decided to not be friends with two people because of sly messages between them and one putting their foot in it and saying they were going out, when one of them was questioned about it she said I was waiting for you to reply to me and I would have told you what date was arranged. We had a group chat for this no need for the private messages. I hope you went out and had a good time regardless of the silly woman.

'Keep an eye'? Are you her mother?

What's strange is how overly concerned you are with how Anna does things. And then spreading negativity about it. That sounds toxic.

@Anywherebuthere i just meant someone else who’s aware of it in case it happens again or becomes a recurring thing

no need to pick on my words.

I was going to say the same. Plus OP says everyone likes her and she's popular with the others. I think OP you probably dominate the group.

Id say whats toxic is calling someone toxic for talking about a negative experience they've had - lots of abusive people do this, a victim talks about an incident and an abusive person labels them as toxic or dramatic as a way to shut them up

It's so sad this type of situation exists as adults. People like Anna need to learn about kindness. Is Phoebe scared of her? I would have to say something to Anna for excluding a mutual friend and make arrangements with you instead. Xxx

So Anna's behaviour has come as a surprise to Katie?

She hasn't noticed any of this going on?

It is all very complicated. Don't worry in a few years it will get simpler. Someone asks me to meet them at 9:30 that is an obvious no - I'll already have my PJs on.

Yes. It came as a surprise to me last night! Before then I didn’t know she had an issue with me.

Katie has noticed the fact Anna and Phoebe has fallen out with a guy in our group and she brought up that today.

I’m long since out of school and can’t be bothered with drama so here’s hoping I can avoid Anna’s nonsense in future while keeping my friendships with the ones that matter.

Ouch... rejection from a social groups hurts!

Anna is who she is. It is important to her that she has some social power and value in replace of self-esteem. The easiest way to do that is too give her self an air of exclusivity by edging someone out. Maybe it was random or many you asked too many questions/or laughed at some of her bullshit.

Its a fools errand because they get found out eventually, but all they really want is control and people who try and control things end up causing more harm than good.

You are well rid and you didn't even have to suffer that much i.e. being in her good books and then the terror of being slowly edged out which is much worse in my experience.

See people yourself and avoid Anna.
I certainly wouldn't have her in your home again.
She reads as poison.

She's clearly jealous. You mention that you're well liked within the group- imo this is Anna's problem.

You're a better person than me cos I wouldn't have been able to help myself from saying something. I'm pleased you've at least mentioned it to Katie, but I'd also have queried it with Anna, potentially mentioned it to Phoebe too.

But then I do have no filter and I'm not saying that this is the right course of action!

For those saying Anna is entitled to ask who she wants in a group -

1. The invitation to Anna's house changed the times and affected the whole group, essentially separating and isolating some people.
2. If she dislikes the OP then she shouldn't have gone to the OP's house.

OP do not invite Anna again and tbh if it was me, I'd invite everyone except Anna to your house the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that.

Anna is trying to squeeze you out. Do not let this happen.

Why not read what OP put before responding!
Anna has said no to drinks first at her house but said see you at the venue! OP is considering whether to still attend the event at all - not whether to turn up uninvited to Anna’s house ! 🙄

Clearly Phoebe has been told to say that!
If Anna is too ill to have one extra person at hers then she’s too ill to go out!

Sorry just catching up so will read in to see if you went

If the people were invited round hers for 9pm ‘for drinks’ there’s no way they would be at the venue for 9.30 anyway, in fact it is so suspicious that I’m wondering if perhaps the invited few are drug users and they wanted a line before heading out.

Phoebe is a terrible friend for not insisting they stick to the original plan, very selfish.

why was Katie not invited at all?

To be sung...., "Are you Anna in disguise? Aaaaaare you Annnnaaaaaa in disguise?"

• Yes I know the event has been and gone

So all this drama is over something that you hadn't noticed before yesterday?

And it only became an issue yesterday because (to quote from your OP):

"... Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome..."

So you weren't included in the original group invite to the disco until Phoebe took it upon herself to invite you, and she also took the liberty of inviting you to Anna's?

Sorry but I had understood that you were part of the original group invite to the disco, and that you were the only one not invited to anna's.

But if you weren't included in the original group invite, why would you expect to have been invited to Anna's?

If you weren't part of the group invite, I don't think the problem lies with anna.

Why would you put yourself in that situation again by hanging around with the bitchy ones?

I’d be tempted to set up events with a smaller group within the group - so not just excluding Anna but a few, then the following time invite some of the people you missed out before and not others… and just say you find smaller groups less drama causing… but never invite Anna to your house again… tell her to meet you at venues… people like her never learn until they’re dished up what they’ve been serving!
it’s not petty, it’s choosing who you invite to your house and if you’re not welcome to hers I’m afraid she shouldn’t be welcome at yours either!
Large groups so get messy and I prefer small intimate groups. All the fallouts I’ve had with friends have been when larger groups of people are pulled together for events like hen dos or birthday weekends away…. It’s a recipe for disaster IMO to put lots of different personalities together… and you always get that one person who wants to be the ‘leader’

I think I would not go to the event. (Even though I do enjoy a 70s disco)

Wouldn’t say anything to anyone and turn my phone off for the evening

Might sound a bit nasty but it’s sure to make you the subject of conversation all evening
instead of Anna.

I would tell friend if they ask why you didn’t arrive, I would say that you felt the vibe and know where you don’t feel wanted.
I would ask friend how she would feel if everyone went somewhere before an event and you were told no and everyone would be arriving having already started the evening hours earlier.

It’s a huge snub.

Also if Anna was so unwell what was she doing having anyone over let alone going out for the evening spreading her germs or did Anna think you are too stupid to know she was lying.