To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

I think she really wanted to come up with a reason to type Team Anna though.

These people are not your friends.

But phoebe is your friend and go out with phoebe. I’d be very cool with Anna though, at the disco and for pretty much forever.

I’d talk to Katie about it as well, and the two of you start campaigning to get a couple of the men to host. Which I’d do like a bulldozer by getting them to open their calendar and agree an available date and then telling everyone else who was there and locking it in 😁😁

If my friend had told me I would be welcome at Anna's house I would probably just have turned up on spec. Or arrived together with my friend. I did this when I was younger. The host is unlikely to say you were not invited in front of other guests. You can always pretend you misunderstood. Nowadays people do not always issue individual invitations when they are sent via email or whatsapp.

This .
You now know her true colours.
Start excluding her from things you organise give her taste of own medicine.
Go to the event. Cold shoulder her. Except to keep asking her if she’s feeling ok and that it’s fine if she needs to just go home! You’ll call her a taxi.

Made the mistake of looking at social media and the ‘fun’ photos she was posting. 🙄

anyway tomorrow is a new day. I do see her true colours now, so I’ll be polite but not much more. I think she replied nicely because she doesn’t want tension in the group. But I could’ve done without the smiley face - she can fk off.

I would have replied to Anna I think about feeling uncomfortable going to the disco when she had excluded you from the drinks at hers.‘You’ve been to mine loads Anna, not sure why I wouldn’t be invited to yours? I feel a bit of an atmosphere has been created now’.Lying cow saying she was ill! How ill could she have been if she’s been dancing the night away!

@Onceaponceatime I agree, she’s a liar.

i didn’t confront her because I can see she’s not the kind of person to take it on board and nothing would get resolved. So now I see her for what she is, I can behave accordingly going forward and be civil with the group but nothing more.

I’ve had experience with these types before and they always seem to make a success of pulling the wool over others eyes. When it happened before (at school!) I left the group because I couldn’t respect others not standing up to her.

i hope this won’t happen here but if it does me and Katie can start our own thing. 😅

She definitely wants to exclude you as competition. She's decided sweet Phoebe isn't a threat. I think you're right to play this low key, just changing your actions but not your words.

I think you are spot on that Anna is a Queen Bee who sees you as a threat. I think you were right not to go as it would have been awful arriving on your own and waiting for them to show up as a unit - you would not have felt properly part of the group all evening. Anna would have enjoyed your discomfort.

These dynamics likely won't change so I would just lower your expectations of the group and take from it what you can. Making separate plans with the other girls is a good shout.

Have a fun time with Katie today.

So who went on the night out was it just Anna, Phoebe and the men?
If you and Katie are regularly left out I find it hard to imagine that Phoebe hasn’t noticed, in my friend group we would notice that one person isn’t inviting the other two

Maybe Phoebe doesn’t want to get involved and feels too awkward to say something but she would know that Anna has deliberately rescinded the invitation to go to her house.
Even if anna didn’t make the invitation it’s very weird in a friend group to disinvite someone.
Anna isn’t your friend she’s actively working against you for whatever reason, this would be enough to make me just cut her off.

Why does everyone else jump to Anna’s tune?
Of the plan was to meet at 8.30 and I’d been invited to Anna’s and she changed the time I’d be telling Anna that wouldn’t work as the plans were for group to meet at 8.30 at the venue. The others need to take some responsibility for this.

ed typos

Enjoy your day with Katie.

Well it was clear to most of us, so I presume that English, and particularly comprehension, wasn't your strongest point at school?

Ahh it’s a not nice feeling. Enjoy your night tonight.

Never invite her to yours again I think is the take away

Sorry, but you’re being a bit childish yourself here. If I’ve read correctly, Anna never invited you to her home. Phoebe did, so it’s on Phoebe as she shouldn’t have done that worth checking.
Anna is quite within her rights to like some people less than others, and in fact she may not like you at all but what is she meant to do? If she acts like your BFF and invites you to everything, does gushing fb posts, etc then she’s two faced. If you’re included in nothing at all and she blanks you then she’s a rude arsehole. Anna can’t win.

You can’t tell me that you love and treat everyone equally because you don’t, none of us do.

You sound like the jealous one and all this Facebook stuff is just infantile.

I’d be tempted to reply to the group that she clearly made a great recovery from the illness she had earlier in the day…

You say Anna and Phoebe live close by and you live further out. Are you more well off than them, from a wealthier/nicer side of town?

She could be embarrassed about her messy house or run down neighbourhood which doesn’t matter to her close friends but she would be embarrassed for you to see?

Otherwise she is just being a weird nasty cow and you should meet them at the disco and show her that she can’t stop you being in the group.

So Katie wasn’t invited to pre drinks or whole evening? Weren’t you bothered she wasn’t being invited or did you not know?

How do you all know each other? Uni friends or teachers?

This. It’s fine if someone else is excluded but somehow unacceptable if she is also?

OP isn’t saying that - it’s about whether she should still go on the night out itself.

Yes I’d do this

if Anna is having a couple to her house for pre going out drinks but NOT you that is v mean and others In the group need to know

Personally I’d be hurt and not want to go to any of it as it would make me really uncomfortable to be in a group where one person disliked me so much

I’d talk to the others and if I didn’t get support. Then I’d re think the friendship group