To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

Anna sounds like a right dose! Sorry that this happened but glad you can see what you’re dealing with now. Leave her to it and don’t waste another moment thinking about her mean girls behaviour. Quite sad for her to be so terribly insecure but not your problem. Enjoy your day out today 🙂

But she's shown with this occasion that she's putting Anna above you. If one of my friends did that to another of my friends, I'd call them out on it and definitely not let someone stay at home on their own because of it!

I often see and hear this sort of behaviour being described as childish or compared with school, but the fact is, it's just human behaviour. Children do this, yes...but so too do adults. The methods are less crude as they mature but the motivation is the same, as is the response and dynamic of the group surrounding it.

It's not childish, it's nasty.

I disagree
I would not play tit for tat

wait until you have all the information regarding who was there last night

the crucial factor is : is it just you left out or a few others as well ?

if only 3 out of 8 went to her house I’d brush it off and carry on ( no investment in her as a friend but maybe invest in others if they are nice )

if you were the only one excluded out of groups of 4/5 and non of the others stuck up for you or asked where you were I’d bin the lot of them as shit friends

I don’t do shallow mean girl groups at my age
It rude ur dies or nothing

Oops sorry just read updates

id be hurt and curious why she did this

Anna is a nasty bitch and the rest are not friends

I'd be posting in the group chat today, looks like a good night out, glad to see being ill didn't affect your fun too much Anna, hope you're feeling better today. Passive aggressive, yes. But I bet she wasn't ill or even acting ill and let's the others see she's a liar.

@pimplebum a few others were not asked to the night out. But of the people going to Anna’s I was the only one excluded.

two weeks ago I had a great night with others in the group including Phoebe, Katie and 3 of the guys. Anna didn’t appear.

The other friendships are important to me so I’m going to continue as is. If later Anna tries to exclude just me I’ll think again.

I’m afraid that I would be replying to her social media posts sympathising with her feeling ill and saying that I hope she’s feeling better now. I will also make a point of mentioning that and saying that I hope she’s okay now next time I happen to meet her. Preferably in front of other people, but then I’m very petty.

Where the men invited?

The best thing you can do is nothing. Give her nothing. Participate as and when you can and you want to, remain pleasant and friendly to Anna when you interact with her. Be nothing less than gracious. Then, if and when the shit hits the fan, no one can accuse you of anything untoward.
The old adage 'give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves' applies here. If she's going to make you an issue, make sure she's doing it on her own. You be sweet.

I don't know how Phoebe and the others will respond to any of this...just know that if they choose to la la la and see you left out without reassuring or sympathising with you, they aren't keepers.

I feel for you. I’m in my 50s and have seen an Anna in action a few times. I have seen a male Anna as well so it’s not just women who do it but because women tend to be the social glue it’s more common.
They destroy perfectly lovely friendships groups one person at a time. The worst one was the baby group Anna and it was a horrible thing to do to a group of vulnerable new mothers.
No one in the group really notices until it’s their turn because the Anna is good at their duplicity. Men are the worst dealing with it as they just put it down to ladies falling out and rarely want to involve themselves. If you complain too much you are seen as being the difficult one. It really makes you feel like shit even if you recognise what they are at.
Once she’s finished with you it will be someone else.
Either you need a lot of the group to recognise what she’s doing and just not go along with it or now I might shrug my shoulders and tell your pals to come and see you when it’s their turn. The group might never be quite the same but it usually sorts itself to some extent.

I feel for you. I hate all this bullshit between women and girls. My daughter is suffering similar at school at the moment. I just fuck people off now at the first sign of any of this type of behaviour. I’d rather have a few true friends than loads of shite ones!

Anna is a classic ‘pick me’ girl and you are possibly a threat in her mind. That’s ok she will show herself up and you leave her to it. That said, she (imo) isn’t the issue here. Phoebe is. As nice as you say she is, Phoebe has created this situation. She invited you out. As it turned out to half a night out as Anna made claim to the beginning of the evening. If I already had plans for a night out and had the thought to invite a friend out it’s then it’s on me to make sure that it’s ok for them to come along before I would even mention it! In this scenario if I were Phoebe I would’ve stuck with you as I had invited you out. Rise above it and leave them to it, keep them at arm’s length if you can’t cut them off completely. Do not invite Anna to anything you do in the future at your home and I wouldn’t go to her’s even if I was invited in the future (but I’m like that!) don’t need her pity invitation or an excuse to be in her pocket. It was short sighted, thoughtless and mean from both girls for different reasons.

"Hi Anna, sorry you're not feeling well and will miss the disco! Hopefully see you soon!"

Surely if she's not feeling well, she won't be attending the disco... Will she...? If she tries to back-track, she'll either look stupid or mean. Either works.

But if you think she was just saying it to basically say you're not invited round hers (which honestly, is what it really sounds like), I'd message Phoebe... "Hi Phoebe! I messaged Anna about going round hers for pre-drinks, but she basically said I wasn't invited! 😅All a bit strange! Will meet you at the disco instead!"

However Phoebe interprets that, she's bound to say something to Anna, who will then know you're on to her.

OP, you've described Anna as someone who is quite quiet and prefers to socialise in smaller groups. The two people you have explicitly mentioned as not originally included in the night out (i.e. you and Katie) you have described as outgoing.

Is it possible that what you consider to be 'outgoing' might actually be experienced by Anna and possibly others as being a bit much? Could you maybe be a bit loud and dominate the conversations and the evening after a few drinks?

THIS!

I agree although from life experience I would say you do see less of it as you get older but only because I think the power structure falls away i.e. there are less people who are prepared to overlook the leader's bad, manipulative and withholding behaviour in order to be "in". But people who use these ways of controlling absolutely remain . All power structures need a leader/followers wanting to be in the group/people outside the group meaning that those in the group are in - otherwise it is just a flattened hierarchy or a nice group of people in other words.

Just call Phoebe and ask if you can meet her at 8pm as planned

@Turboislander no, I’m not loud or overly chatty. I actually just meant I socialise easily with others in the group so maybe wasn’t the right description.

@Rosscameasdoody so what if Anna doesn’t like op. She may well have good reason not to. We’ve only got one perspective here, and we don’t know OP. She’d probably not be my cup of tea either. And if a mutual friend invited someone I really don’t like to my house, then I’d probably fob them off with a reason not to come too. However the OP takes it is her problem, but most people are not going to outright say “I don’t like you, don’t come”. Can you imagine what the post would be then.

OP clearly isn’t considering that. She’s debating whether to sack off the whole night including the disco because she feels snubbed.

Personally, I think Anna is very rude to leave one friend out of the pre-drinks invite. However, if I was the OP I would still go to the disco and see what I could make of it. I would also subtly mention to the other friends what went on, because if I was Phoebe I wouldn’t be happy knowing that one of my friends was being left out.

For what it's worth OP, I think you need to develop a bit more confidence in your right to take up some space. You've let one woman stop you going on a fun night out and let down a friend who was looking forward to your company. Meanwhile the person you see as causing the problem, Anna, has not been evenly slightly put out by it. So what's it achieved?
You know now that Anna doesn't see you the same as other women in the group. May even have taken against you. But, so what? You don't think much of her either. However she is just one woman in a group, and no more important than the others who do like you.
If you keep missing things because of her behaviour, I guarantee the loser will be you.

I don't think the OP has given enough info about herself to decide whether she'd be your cup of tea!

Anna seems happy enough to be hosted by the OP, so its pretty shitty of her not to reciprocate.

I've skimmed the thread a bit but read all your posts OP.

I think you did the right thing, under the circumstances, in not going to the disco part.
If you'd been feeling upbeat, then it might have worked well for you. But since you didn't want to plaster a smile on and fake it, I completely see why you didn't go. I'd be the same. Also, there's the possibility that you might not have been successful at masking your disappointment and Anna would have spun that too. Also, it might have shown her that she'd succeeded in getting to you.

A few things jumped out from the last few posts after yours.

1. I don't think Anna's reply at 9.40 was "nice" at all.. it was rudely late given they were supposed to have already gathered by then and that you replied much earlier. In fact she probably realised that people were asking about you and sent it to cover herself. F her.
2. I dont think Phoebe should share in the blame. She invited you to join in good faith, not thinking that Anna would have any objection and it sounded to me like she'd prompted Anna to invite you to the drinks.. which Anna did grudgingly to cover herself with provisos that you came later etc... to put you off further.
3. Anna is a manipulator.. she can't help herself as she's already made one person leave the group. Gushing on FB is so fake anyway. Somehow or other she's got beef with you, probably because you haven't shown yourself to be malleable.

I don't blame you for wanting to check out at this point as it is all so petty and childish.
Something similar happened to me but in my case the person was one of the "founder" members, so I realised it was no contest and I left because I just wasn't willing to put up with any more very thinly disguised spitefulness from this person.

But in your case, I don't think you should abandon a good group so easily just for one mean Queen Bee wannabe and it will be easier to go to the next event when you're feeling much more buoyant again.
Anna's not particularly clever, the transparent exclusion for no reason won't play will and I think you should definitely let others know very briefly in a factual non emotive way that you found her behaviour hurtful but will ignore it.

She has form for falling out with people, so I think you should keep up your friendships with those you do get on with. Most people can't be bothered with antics like Anna's - life is too short.

This has only shone a whole new light on the fact a guy in the group has fallen out with both Anna and Phoebe in the last year.

he supposedly fell out with Phoebe for messing him around with last minute scheduling changes which made him feel ostracised. And I don’t know why he fell out with Anna.

I still have a good friendship with him although I haven’t actually broached the topic. Now starting to make sense.