To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

This is how I feel.

not replying all day felt like she wasn’t happy about it and now she’s finally had to say something.

I'd absolutely still go to the event, if Anna were there I wouldn't be able to help myself passing a comment about her being well enough to be there though.
She also wouldn't be invited to my home again.

Large group
closer to a few more than others

I’d feel fine inviting the few I am closer to for cocktails beforehand,
and equally I would feel fine about not being invited knowing that the host closer to the few invited

the scenario I would feel upset about is if i was the only person not invited

The thing putting me off is if it’s the case that I’m the only person not invited and made to meet there.

but still maybe I should go to prove she’s not gatekeeper of friendships.

Message the ones you are closer to, to ask if they have any plans beforehand and if not - if they’d like to come to you?

That line ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’ has left a bad taste tbh.

i was originally also invited out for 8pm and now Anna is saying we’ll meet you there at 9.30. Im not sure whether to bother.

Are you closer to anyone in the large group?

I would definitely go and message the friend who told you everyone was meeting at Anna's to say that you double checked with Anna before rocking up but she explicitly told you not to go as she's not feeling well ( and I would probably add ' it'll be a shame she's not feeling well and pity you will all miss her on the actual night out at the venue' just to make the point. I am sure your friend will be embarrassed that Anna was so off with you but also maybe a lesson for her to not invite people to someone else's house. The invitation should have come from Anna.

Also reminds me of being in school with a queen bee that used to do this and I eventually left because I was the only one that wouldn’t bend to her will.

but fgs we’re in our 30s

Totally disagree. Telling a person ‘I’m unwell so maybe leave it until next time’ and then going out for a night out is equivalent to saying ‘fuck off you’re not welcome but all the other girls are’.

This is kind of how I feel now. Like yes I could meet them there but the thought of being the only one left out to the pre drinks is upsetting.

Depends entirely on proportion of large group invited

3 closer friends out of 12? totally reasonable and I’d have no problem either way.

11/12…. nasty

Hence me repeatedly suggesting that you contact a few that you are closer to in the group!!

It was clear to everyone else. You seem to be trying to find a way for Anna to be in the right and the OP in the wrong. Your team Anna comment then agreeing that even if unwell she’s fine to go on the night out.

Hmmm I see your point. I did say you should still go, but if they’re genuinely not going out until 9.30pm maybe sack it off. Don’t just hang round till this Anna character says it’s ok.

I would text Phoebe and say ‘Was planning on coming tonight and was looking forward to it but Anna has said you’re not heading out until 9.30pm - she’s also told me not to attend her house as she’s unwell, so…it’s all a bit awks. Think I might leave it, I know how to take a hint!!’

i live on the other side of the city so it wouldn’t been much nicer to come earlier and make a night of it.

@Moveoverdarlin i feel like now this incident might become a ‘thing’ in the group if I don’t go but hopefully not.

I really just wanted to go to this disco and see Phoebe but this you’re welcome next time thing is telling me I’m pretty unwelcome.

If you read the thread, you’ll see it was not to everyone

Ok so you won’t message anyone in the group to see their plans beforehand

FGS

Phoebe just messages to say ‘we’re now all invited round from 9pm like the rest to then go to the place at 9.30’

how pathetic that Anna couldn’t even let me come for 9 o’clock!! She’s told me 9.30. Just stupid.

I might go out of spite now

I think it's good idea to go and show she's not in charge.

I'd go and bring someone she hates -but I'm a bit petty like that. 🤣

Well that seems silly to go to spite!

You think anyone will notice you decided to come “out of spite”?

Stay in, kick back, enjoy your evening at home but don’t stomp there thinking you’ll “make a point” because it will go unnoticed

I cant stand the divide and conquer type behaviour like this. I wouldnt even go.

@Rituelec it’s not nice. We’re all adults.

I would arrange a seperate night out with Phoebe and would be hesitant to include Anna in the future.