To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

"The group might never be quite the same but it usually sorts itself to some extent."

This is a very salient point. Changes are common in friendship groups and most friendships by far, are fluid. The Anna element will settle and you will know who the actual keepers are, if any. They aren't always the people who you expected it to be either.

See what happens, be wary of Anna, keep your thoughts to yourself. My advice.

Hi Scully, Maybe Anna was making the scheduling changes as she did in your case - making one arrangement with Phoebe and a different one with you... and Phoebe was caught in the middle
She probably thinks it covers her to do that.

Good on you, OP. Don’t let this petty B push you out of the group. She’s probably just the type to be hoping you’ll go quietly with your tail between your legs. Resolve to put all your effort into your other friendships - I always believe the best revenge is living well. Show her she doesn’t matter to you and that will be the best way to piss her off. What a nasty piece of work.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that! Read it again. What's being asked is should I not bother going on the night out part as I feel rebuffed by the refusal to join in with the pre drinks at the house. Some ppl are suggesting she does go to the venue part. I haven't seen anyone suggesting she gate crashes the snotty one's house beforehand!!

No she obviously isn't considering this. Nowhere has it been suggested that she ignores Anna and goes to Anna's house!

Doesn't like her but still goes to her home when she is hosting... hmmmm another weird.

Also, why is it that the OP wouldn't be your cup of tea?

Anna sounds very jealous and conniving. I would make your own plans in the future and don’t involve her. She has pretty much said everyone is welcome except for you, both her and Phoebe have messed you around with the plans and left you dangling to the last minute. I think you were right to cancel, I wouldn’t have been able to paint a smile on for such playground mean girl behaviour.

Dont confront her or say anything about it. Just move on and remember.

I think the point is that they messed about with the plans and timings so much that it would have been difficult for op to actually have a worthwhile evening. Not even meeting them until nearly 10pm then having to leave by 11:30 seems rather pointless especially when you’re having to pretend not to be put out by someone who has very obviously snubbed you. I don’t blame her for not going, it sounded like a farce of an evening.

I dont think Phoebe should share in the blame.

I think that Phoebe is very much to blame.

She invited Op to the disco but was more interested in hanging out with Anna.

If it cut into the main event that much, then yes, that's a fair point.

This is exactly what it’ll be. Occam’s razor and all that - don’t overthink it.

It sounds like you’ve got her sussed and won’t put up with her crap (which you’ve now let the rest of the group know too)

No way would I as a grown woman be letting some insecure bitch leave me out of things and then act nice as pie in front of the others.

You played it well OP - just do things with the others from now on. And if any of the other women think this is acceptable behaviour from Anna, they are not friends either. Behaviour like this should be called out.

So to sum it up,

Anna likes manipulating people and being in control.

Phoebe happy to be "oblivious" to this dynamic as long as she isn't the one on the receiving end of it.

OP didn't get to disco 😕

Katie needs better friends than this shower, as she was completely excluded and nobody, including OP, gave a flying fig.

Some bloke friends who are probably more concerned with pints and what takeaway to get on the way home.

Considering you have done nothing wrong you are handling this really well, I’d be furious revengeful and racked with curiosity as to her motives

stay classy and say nothing but keep notes

This ^

I think the OP missed a trick in not turning up at the disco.

Assuming that anna really is as Machiavellian as everybody here seems to think, and that the non-invite isn't just some oversight or perceived slight, then I'm sure anna will correctly see the OP's non appearance at the disco as a victory.

If I'd been the OP I'd have made every effort to turn up, no matter how inconvenient the re-arranged timings, and I'd have made it obvious I was having a great time despite Anna's behaviour.

"... a guy in the group has fallen out with both Anna and Phoebe..."

So is he still part of the group? If he is, was he invited to both the meet-up and the disco?

"... he supposedly fell out with Phoebe for messing him around with last minute scheduling changes which made him feel ostracised..."

Really? Are you sure she isn't a stirrer in all of this? I can't imagine why she would invite you to Anna's knowing you hadn't been invited unless either she's brain dead or she was being intentionally mischievous.

@Manxexile no he wasn’t and he’s stopped coming to socials. He made an effort for my birthday but was cool with both of them.

my opinion is that Phoebe has some kind of undiagnosed adhd because she’s frequently scatter brained about plans and timings. I think she is unintentionally thoughtless at times because of this and perhaps too much of a ‘yes’ person to challenge Anna.

but I see Anna as actively conniving.

Anyway I’m off to meet Katie! Hopefully a better end to the weekend

"... he supposedly fell out with Phoebe for messing him around with last minute scheduling changes which made him feel ostracised..."

So the same thing as she has done to Op?

She may well have good reason. But using illness as an excuse for keeping OP away when she’s accepted OP’s invitations to events in her own home in the past feels like double standards. It’s perfectly clear to OP from Anna’s behaviour that she doesn’t like her, so why doesn’t she just say it. The rest of the group aren’t without blame here either. OP was told the meet up at the venue was 8pm. If Phoebe hadn’t taken it upon herself to invite OP to Anna’s Op would never have known that the group who met for Anna’s cocktails weren’t turning up until 9.30, leaving OP to hang around for an hour and a half. This is not the way you treat friends so OP is right to conclude that Anna is a two faced twat and these people are not her friends.

OP said that Phoebe told her they were going to Anna's for cocktails at Anna's and she was sure OP would be welcome. That's a fair assumption as OP had previously hosted Anna several times.
But when OP contacted Anna to confirm (which was the polite thing to do) Anna started making excuses that indicated OP was not in fact welcome.

I don't think Phoebe was stirring. It was all Anna.

It might also be that Anna was annoyed someone else invited another guest without asking first.

But it was just drinks at her house so one more wouldn't make much difference.

I think you definitely made the right call not going yesterday. Maybe gradually a new group can form, with everyone Anna has pushed out, and it will end up including everyone except her. Her behaviour is so pathetic.

I’d not go to hers but she wouldn’t be invited to my place again. And if she comes to the event I’d be shooting her evils all night because I’m petty like that 😁

Sorry about your friend, probably best you didn’t go, being around something like Anna may not be the best when grieving she doesn’t seem to do empathy well. I think you made the right decision not to go, you wouldn’t have enjoyed the night knowing that you hadn’t been invited to pre drinks. I don’t understand the why of Anna, obviously doesn’t want to miss out the events you host but doesn’t return the invite. You deserve better.

Fuck Anna! Go and have a good time. Prosecco will be your friend.

I had a great time with Katie this afternoon.

in the end I did tell her what happened with Anna and her response was ‘well that’s bloody strange, what’s that about?’ - I’m glad I told her because now there’s another person to keep an eye on her behaviour.