To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

It’s totally clear. and she had already confirmed it.

You’ve got it wrong. Not sure why you’re doubling down on it.

Read the OP again.

It’s totally clear. and she had already confirmed it.

You’ve got it wrong. Not sure why you’re doubling down on it.

Read the OP again.

I don’t think Phoebe should have invited you to Anna’s tbh. She’s the one who has caused the dilemma.

So Anna doesn't feel well?
But is well enough to invite certain people to hers?
And is well enough to go dancing?

Call her out on this in a group chat.
Then say you are cancelling because you are not being made to feel welcome and if anyone wants to talk to you separately then they (not Anna) can.
Then block Anna.

I’m not going and I’ve let them know. I told Phoebe about what Anna said about how I was welcome next time but not this time.

it hurt me to be left out.

do I feel good about not going? No, not really. Im on my own and have no plans now. But I’m not going to be painting a smile on when I’m not up to it.

I am meeting another friend tomorrow though so I’m looking forward to that.

and in future, I won’t bend over backwards to invite Anna places including my home/

Yes, but even if you are the only one left out if pre drinks, it’s not all of them who are trying to exclude you. It’s just Anna.

she does sound like one of those people who try to gatekeep friendships, and happy, secure people don’t do that. I would guess she feels insecure and wants to cement friendships with others, which usually entails leaving other people out.

I see kids doing this at 7, 10, 15 years old, and yes, some adults still do.

Definitely go to the 70s night. Don’t be snippy with Anna. What I would do is give her a really warm, patronising smile and a rub on the arm like you feel sorry for her. She’ll be raging that you’re the bigger person and can see through her and know she was lying about not feeling well.

Serves her right.

@windatthewindow Im sure you’ve got her nailed to the mast. She always comes across as sweet but there’s another side to her.

something else I noticed: she celebrates those Facebook friends anniversaries with posts. Every time someone in the group comes up she posts about how much she appreciates that friend. Ours was the other day and guess what…crickets 😂

I wish I could’ve bigged myself up and made myself go. But im not up to it - part of why I was really looking forward is a friend of my died last month and I’ve been down.

It just takes me right back to being 16.

I had a colleague who was like this - would invite 3/4 of the female colleagues out and not a small number.

She sounds like a snidey cow OP. I’d be really hurt at this and I hope your message to Phoebe has got her asking some Q’s. Anna would never be welcome in my home again and I would blank her from now on other than a cool ‘hello’

Just meet them at the venue and enjoy the night out. Anna might be trying to exclude you because she's mean/doesn't warm to you, or she might just want to have the couple of friends she's closest too without having to make an effort for another person. Either way, no need to miss your night out over it.

She’s completely mean and clearly trying to keep her friends separate and control people. I personally would have gone to the event but not the pre drinks because I’m a bit petty but I understand why you didn’t feel that you could. It sounds like your other friend has sort of cottoned on a bit to the mean girl and was trying to make it better but made it worse. If your long standing friends don’t squash this behaviour by refusing to do the bits where you are excluded then they too aren’t friends worth having - sorry! It’s not difficult for Phoebe to say to Anna ‘I think I’ll just meet you there, I felt sorry for Scully D last time when she was the only one meeting us there. I don’t like excluding friends.’ Let it go this once (for Phoebe) but if she doesn’t make an effort to be fair next time I would concentrate on other friendships.

Read the OP

I actually agree with the poster you’re calling “aggressive”.

It’s a cold night. Stay home, relax, watch tv, read a book. Enjoy being hangover free tomorrow and enjoy the inner peace that comes from not being a horrible nasty cow to other people.

Let Anna play her horrible little games. Suggest a meet up with Phoebe separately.

I think you should have gone as a show that she isn't the controller of your relationship with the group. You were only 'missing' half an hour of the event. By not going it's reinforced her role as the social "owner".

But that's seemingly done now. Don't let her hold the power in future, arrange things on your terms and let her do her thing. Do your best to not let that affect you.

Have fun tomorrow.

I hate this. I’ve been on the receiving end of being left out and it really hurts. We should be bringing people in to the circle, not closing the circle. Obviously there are limits but this sounds like an established group who regularly meet as a group, plus the op is going out with them afterwards!

So Phoebe says she’s disappointed I’m not going and that she misses me which is sweet. She also apologised for the plans being messy.

we’re going to meet up separately. Anna hasn’t replied!

Aww that’s shit. Part of the reason I don’t have any friends. The last one I made (who I thought might be a friend for life initially) started excluding someone else in our workplace when there were 3 of us working closely and I felt really shit about it, I was almost complicit for a while because she was sly - it was part of the reason I left and cut contact with her.

I think she can see that Anna has been mean, hopefully she’s got enough morals to avoid this happening again.

Ooh, yes, this, don't let her win, please - these mean girls thrive on it!

Phoebe hasn’t a bad bone in her body so I do feel sorry for her dealing with it too

I admit I sometimes get the feeling Anna is jealous. It’s a feeling I have and not anything she has said

That's good. I'd try and keep the friendship with Phoebe and any others you're close to.

Anna sounds like a bitch. Of course it's fair to meet friends separately sometimes, but if the bigger group are going on a night out it's really mean to just exclude a few from the pre-drinks.

I was going to say go to the club anyway, but if they're meeting at Anna's at 9 for drinks it's unlikely they'll leave at 9.30 - they'd end up late and you'd be waiting on your own.

For what it's worth you sound a nice person and I'd much rather be friends with you than Anna!

@DisappearingGirl this was also part of the reason I wanted to go to pre drinks. It’s never the time they say and at least when together you just meander at the same time.

thank you! The more I think about it, the more I think Anna isn’t all she seems. Every other day she posts something gushing on Facebook either about Phoebe, someone else on the group or some other friend.

I think most adults don’t behave like this. I’ve got my antennae up now.