To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

I wouldn’t forward or screenshot any messages from Anna you’d just look like you’re trying to cause drama because you’re pissed off. I’d just text Phoebe saying Anna suggested meeting at the disco at 9:30 so I’ll see you there.

Can you imagine Jeffrey, Alan, Mungo and Patrick bitching behind each other's back about their night out and who didn't invite this one and that one to pre-drinks?

Too much hassle - meet at the pub 🤪🤣🤣🤣🤪

I agree it has the potential to kick off especially when everyone has had a drink, if I was as bothered as you I wouldn’t go tbh.

Seriously though, I only meet friends one to one so haven't been in this particular situation. It sounds incredibly stressful.

I hope you have a lovely night whatever you do.

I agree @Coconutter24 its pointless. Even if the other person acts badly, you never come out looking well. I will mention that I was told I’d be welcome next time though.

I’d message Phoebe and say, shall we do our own pre-drinks and meet the others there?

Don't go. Anna's made it clear you aren't welcome in her group.

Bit of a different idea… rock up at 10, explaining you were at a different event with other friends but wanted to come see this group too - including her. Make it into no big deal (even though it is!). Sometimes these people really are still operating like they’re in the playground. The fact that you present as fun and popular might mean she wants to be your friend. You’ll know where you stand and may not like her much but at least if that works you’ll get invited 😂

Are you in a group chat with these women? I would message saying does anyone who isn’t going to Anna’s want to meet for drinks a bit earlier? And wait for the responses.

I think I’m just going to cancel.

they are leaving to go to the disco at 9.30. Meaning they won’t get there until say 9.45. The last trains and buses are 11.30. Only 1.5 hours of dancing max.

it’s ok for Phoebe and Anna as they can walk home but I’ll need to rely on a taxi. Not 100% decided but need to asap!

Me and another friend went to an over 30s disco recently that started at 5pm and ended 9pm, now I remember why!

Anna sounds hideous.

If you're close with Phoebe can't you just call her and be honest about what's happened? I think honesty is the best policy with good friends anyway. Maybe she'll arrange to meet up with you at the pub instead of going to Anna's, or invite you to stay at hers so you can stay longer?

Agree with what you say re not letting Anna gatekeep certain friends. I mean, what a weird and unpleasant thing to do!

I wouldn’t go for such a short time either plus they will turn up tipsy no doubt while you’ve come straight from home. Anna is a tool.

Horrible behaviour! Fuck Anna

Anna’s an arse, please don’t attempt to make any effort with her moving forward.

Is there a group chat OP?

I would be really fucked off with this, I would tell them you had been really looking forward to a night out and now been effectively stood up and ostracised from the group.

And I would definitely diplomatically say to Phoebe/the group: ‘Thanks so much for the invitation. Anna isn’t able to accommodate me for pre-drinks and by the time you guys get there, it won’t be long before I have to leave. Shame as I was looking forward to it! Hopefully see you soon. Have a great night!’

Could Phoebe not skip Anna’s and meet you earlier? Explain to her that you want to make the most of the time at the disco, but it’s not worth it if the rest of them are not rocking up until 9.45pm 🤷🏻‍♀️

This 👆

Bit pass agg. Makes her look like the problem rather than Anna?

I actually think it’s perfect!

I would be saying is anyone else that is not invited to Anna’s able to meet you for a drink or at the venue earlier. Make it really clear you have been excluded!

What have the times of the last bus/trains got to do with anything?

If you're getting a taxi home anyway, surely they work past 11.30?!

I’m trying to save the op the effort of going to this disco just to “make a point” and “out of spite”

That won’t occur to them at all given the op had said she’d be going. They won’t notice. So save yourself the bother @ScullyD and stay in.