To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

No, on the night out. Have you read the thread?

Is that you Anna?🤨🧐

This implies everybody is invited including you.

if it’s a big group then invariably find might meet up separately.

If it is a large group of eight or ten or something, I can see why someone might not want that many around beforehand for pre-drinks. It is off if you’re the only one excluded, but you don’t even know that.

Try not to take it so personally.

It is perfectly clear

OK so here's the plan. Next group night out, suggest early you meet in town or near the venue. Any suggestion of meeting at someone's home, respond with 'we can't always fit everyone in at people's houses so I think town is better'. Get in first so it's obvious if someone puts forward a plan that excludes you.

Also, every time you see Anna in future, do a head tilt and say 'are you ok, hun?' If she says anything less than 'brilliant' say 'ah, I know you've not been well, you need a good rest' and if she says 'great!' use 'ah, you're such a trooper, don't push yourself too hard'. Every time but totally straight face the niceness: don't drop into sarcasm. Basically attack her with kindness. Harder for her to make you the villain then.

Anna sounds like a total bitch. Organise a night out and don’t invite her. See how she likes it. So sorry this has happened to you it’s really not nice. Hopefully you can chill have a glass of wine and watch a movie. Sometimes things happen for a reason.

Phoebe was out of order and should not have invited you to Anna's. Anna is probably annoyed with her and being clear that she won't go along with it. Just turn up at the event and be friendly. The fact that Anna has been your guest in the past doesn't mean she always has to host you!

Shes also one of these women who is sweet as pie, it’s impossible to convince people what they’re actually like.

but I think my curt reply to her will have for the message across that I know her game

@booboobear76 yep, I’m going to get a glass of wine!

@IsabellaGoodthing i agree that she might be annoyed with Phoebe. That’s why I checked with her directly.

Well no, but the fact is, she’s never hosted me at hers. I thought she just doesn’t host but clearly she does.

Always arrange separately. Anna sounds like a proper weirdo.

Can you get ready and meet them at 9.30?

Go and make sure you it tellAmna poor thing she does look really ill /peaky/washed out

I have friend groups but sometimes I just meet one or two of them as it’s easier than trying to get 10 people (eg) together.

I had a night out with two people recently and one of them came to my house before we met as it was easier due to logistics.

You don’t know who was invited and wouldn’t know about it if P hadn’t decided to over step the mark and invite you to someone else’s house.

Hope you have a nice night in but I wouldn’t lose a whole friendship group because of crossed wires.

I can see why some people on here struggle to have friends tbh. What a mountain out of a molehill. 😱

As sung by Bowling for Soup “High School Never Ends”

I wouldn’t go either, really couldn’t be arsed with her ridiculousness.

@PS5Gamer apparently not! And it’s why I mostly have one on one friendships.

ive been in this group for 3 years and its generally been great.

I also discovered Anna had a fall out with someone else in the group over Christmas, so I don’t know, maybe the golden period is over!

Sounds like Anna wants to be Queen Bee. She needs to show her control and her treatment of you is part of that. Unfortunately age doesn't change some people.

Oh op, this sucks, doesn't it. Btw, have you seen Amandaland?

I checked with Anna about midday ...
I should say she comes to mine every other month

So, here was your mistake. If Anna has been to yours more than once, you could reasonably have taken Phoebe at her word and just turned up.

Don't let this bitchy behaviour get you down. Keep your chin up, and continue to join in with the group - you don't need Anna's permission.

Meet them at the venue later and then don’t invite her to yours again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah I agree. She posted two gushing posts this week about two men in the group. 🙄

And to be honest I’m popular in the group. When I invite people out, they come. I’m well liked. I reckon she wouldn’t mind if I never turned up to an event again.

the funny thing is, she said a few months ago that she admired me! When it was just us two. So much for that.

OP you say it's a large group but it's not all the group except you who were going out or am I wrong?

If only you were left out then I think that's mean but in terms of Anna inviting a few of the group out, I actually think that's okay, and tbh I wouldn't like someone inviting themself to my house. She obviously doesn't want you there and isn't your friend.

@MrsJeanLuc I know. It has got me down. I’ll try, thank you.

no I haven’t seen Amandaland! Is it about this topic?

Well I don't think that Phoebe comes out of it very well!

She invited you to the disco & then to Anna's pre drinks.

Which she still goes to even though you're not invited & it means that she will be at the disco too late for it to be worth your while meeting her there.

@MagicStarrz it’s not all the group. Just a few.

There are four women in the group and six men. Phoebe, me, Anna and Katie. Katie wasn’t invited either and she’s actually the friend I’m seeing tomorrow.

I’m thinking about this now. Anna will gush all the time online about all the guys and Phoebe, but neither myself or Katie get anything nice posted about us. And yet we are the only two that regularly host people at our homes.

@diddl i know what you mean. Mostly though, Phoebe can be a bit all over the place but well intentioned. She has been a genuinely good friend to me during a tough year.

With Anna, I’ll continue warm and friendly but I’ll be pulling back a bit with her in general.