To ask if you’d still go on this night out or not?

[ScullyD]

Not a big deal but:

I’m part of a large group of friends and about a year ago I noticed one woman in the group, Anna, would quite often arrange separate meet ups with friends and leave some out. I find it a bit cliquey but understand she’s probably just closer to them.

so anyway the friend she’s closest to, Phoebe, invited me out with them at to 70s disco tonight and I said yes. Then this morning Phoebe messages to say people were going to Anna’s first for cocktails and she’s sure I’d be welcome.

well I checked with Anna about midday and she’s only just replied near the time saying only a couple of people are coming to hers now because she’s not feeling well but ‘you’re definitely welcome next time’. AIBU to just not go at all or am I being daft?

I should say she comes to mine every other month

You might consider letting the group know, in some underhand way, that Anna is not feeling well, in case they don't want to catch what she's got. Either at the pre- thing, or later. Ask Phoebe is sh still going, considering...

How do you get on with Anna otherwise? It definitely sounds like she doesn't actually like you. If you you still like the rest of the group, you probably have to accept that not everyone will like you and decide on doing things anyway if you want to. The way you're painting Anna out to be definitely makes her sound rather mean. But I want you to go to the event so you we can find out if Anna really was feeling unwell.

@Coka i think I might just arrange something separate with Phoebe.

i was really looking forward to tonight but i think ill struggle to enjoy a night out where i feel like the only one left out of pre drinks.

Maybe she's reading this thread? 😲 👀

@SwedishEdith on the surface we get on fine and I see her about once a month as part of the group. She came to my birthday party recently and I saw her the week before Christmas at a social no problem. No feeling of bad blood so to speak or even dislike.

but often invites others to things I’m not invited to.

I’d still go you might still have a good time! Hopefully you’ll get the full story off Phoebe!
I think you’ll look like you’re having a tantrum if you don’t go x

I’d do this.

Id go out of spite and I’d turn up at hers for pre-drinks and act innocent, ‘Oh I thouufht there must have been a communication mix up, surely you wouldn’t leave me out!’ She’s hardly going to turn you away in front of everyone and, if she does, she looks like the dick.

@PevenseygirlQQ a tantrum! I’m not the one opting for schoolyard behaviour here.

at the end of the day, it’s left a bad taste in my mouth as why the hell should I meet them there when everyone else meets before?

I’ll either go to make a point or go another time with a friend I know wouldn’t do this

How many is in the “large group”?
If it is large it’s inevitable that some will meet separately.

How big is the group and how many would you consider your friends other than Phoebe?
I wouldn’t let Anna push you out, go to the disco! She can choose who she has in her house but she doesn’t get to exclude you from something someone else invited you to!

@WhaleEye i don’t mind them meeting up separately of course

i do mind being excluded from pre drinks for no reason

I don’t think you’re having a tantrum just to clarify, I think Anna and co could think that

What “point” will you be making?

and I’m sorry to say but no one will notice you came to something that you’d said you’d be attending to “make a point”

Who is ‘we are all invited….’ are you sure you’re not included in that?

It depends how much you want to go to the main event. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Don't live your adult life stuck in Year 8.

@tuvamoodyson Phoebe is saying that! Anna said it would be easier to meet me there.

but she also said ‘I’m sure you’d be welcome to Anna’s for cocktails first’ and which I’m evidently not

A slightly different viewpoint…is it one of the other ladies who doesn’t like you? Why would Anna come to your house and your birthday party if she really disliked you? Maybe one of the ones you’re not close to isn’t keen and is closer to Anna so Anna has been put in a difficult situation. Sorry that was what popped into my head and I know it just adds another layer but I think I’d be discreetly seeing if Phoebe knows anything.

Have you replied?

I would say, 'oh right, I messaged Anna and she just replied and told me not to come to hers tonight as she was ill. She's still having you guys over though? Not quite sure what to do at the moment'

this sounds too high school! People are allowed to invite who they want. Seems a bit silly to have only part of the group meet up first but maybe Anna didn’t know you were going to the main event, and frankly Phoebe should have cleared it with Anna before mentioning they were meeting at hers to you.
Definitely go on the night out. Who cares about pres? There was this sort of thing at my son’s prom. Traditional to have pres hosted at one house but there was two and a bit of a conflict arose as who was invited to which house- see? High school!

I couldn’t be bothered honestly. Meet at 9.30? Nah.

I’d send pheobe a screen shot of the conversation to explain why you won’t be coming. It is very odd.

I would forward Anna's message to phoebe and say Anna would rather i meet up with you at the venue after you have been to her place so I'll see you there. Looking forward to it, etc

Anna is an arse, if she’s at the disco I would definitely make a comment about her making a quick recovery!

Love your username btw.

Send Phoebe a copy of the texts from Anna, explain that you don’t feel it appropriate to go to hers given those texts and frankly it’s put you off going, so you’ll step back this evening and catch up with Phoebe another time - if you don’t want to go.

if you do send the texts to Phoebe and say no more than you’ll meet here at 9:30pm

personally I can’t be fucked with all that shit… as you say it’s worse than the playground. The queen bee analogy seems very pertinent as you’ve identified.

Are you this needlessly aggressive in real life?