To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

Don’t go over there 🤷‍♀️

You frame this as your parents 'liking' you to take your DD over.

I wonder if they think they're doing you a favour by providing childcare, and feel a bit aggrieved that you work through the visit/that you expect their home to be set up as your workplace?

@searchforthesun well yes but I wasn’t asking for a solution just an opinion on their reaction.

@SarahAndQuack I pay for DD to be in nursery all week! I go over at their request as they want to see her.

Stop going over there.

"The optician said I need better light"

YANBU to need to work in a suitably lit room. However I’m also a believer that you don’t get to dictate what others do in their homes (however batshit). I’m with you all the way but I think the natural consequence to this behaviour is to just say that’s fine we won’t be over as often as I can’t work in these conditions.

It doesn't really matter what we think about their reaction, though.

If you're not happy going there, stop going. You're an adult, you don't need to do what your mum and dad want.

I'd be telling DPs that you can't take DD over any more as you are unable to work in dark rooms without getting a headache. They may soon change their tune if they're not getting to see her so often. Can they come to your instead to see their DGD?

ETA: yes they're being unreasonable. You're doing the legwork to drive over, and allowing them a day either way their DGD. Allowing you to have a light on seems so minor and crazy to complain about.

@QuietLifeNoDrama yes I said this, totally
calmly, and they said I was controlling and unreasonable

Of course they are being ridiculous, but you are a bit as well. Do you HAVE to work when you take DD over there, or could you leave her with them for a half day?

Tell them next day you're due that you can't go, because you need to work and can only work with the light on. That way its completely up to them whether they turn the lights on 'in their own home', or miss seeing DD.

@SparklyGlitterballs I said that to them and they said I was controlling and unreasonable. They prefer DD at their house rather than coming here.

I think you need to be very clear that this is how they see it too, though.

Do they definitely understand that this is essentially an inconvenience for you and you can only get around it by doing some work while you're there? If that's the agreement, and they've said 'yes, we really want to see DD so you can absolutely finish work in our kitchen while you're here' then I think it is fair for you to point out you need decent light.

But if they're under the impression it's a social visit and you're already being a bit rude by getting the laptop out, then I slightly see their point.

I mean, if I have guests I accept they may well want lights on/heating up/whatever when I don't, but I wouldn't love someone coming round, whipping on all the big lights and sitting down to work, if I wasn't expecting it.

@CarefullyCuratedFurniture yes I have to work, I work full time.

I'm sure my DMum and DDad never complained when I put the light (or anything else) on. Especially if you're working - you need to be able to adequately see. Perhaps they resent you being there? Would they prefer you to leave DD with them and you go back home? Just a suggestion.

The OP said it’s a bit of a drive, so I guess it would be hard to take her daughter, drive home to work, drive back to fetch her at lunchtime then drive home again, all on a working day.

Stop going over and use your childcare.

Your parents are coming across as the controlling and unreasonable ones.

@SarahAndQuack they know DD has nursery paid for full time. They know I have to work if I bring her over. They are very clear that it’s absolutely fine to do that. But apparently just not with lights on (it’s come up every so often usually if they’re in a bad mood generally)

Of course they are being unreasonable. But the only solution is that your dd goes to nursery so you can work. You have to accept their rules in their house, but you don't have to go there.

My mum used to have a thing about putting the lights on in daylight hours and would insist that lights couldn't go on until curtains were drawn. But this was a hangover from being brought up during wartime, with black out regulations, which she just couldn't shake.

Your parents, I would guess, have no such excuse. Can you take a desklight with you? Or just tell them that as you can't work at their house, they will have to come to you to see your DD.

@GalaxyJam yes and nursery is the opposite direction so I can’t take her to nursery for half a day either

I don’t use the “big light”. But if a guest said they needed more light it would be no problem whatsoever even though it’s not my preference. It sounds like a bit of an odd situation and I’m not sure I’d know how to handle my parents. But if I had to work it would no longer be possible to do it there.

@Stompythedinosaur yes, I get the guilt trip then that I’m not letting DD have a relationship with them, it’s a shame she’s in nursery all week and so on