To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

@CurlyhairedAssassin they wanted me to pay for five days in case they are busy. They often go on holidays short notice. That was fine with me as I just want a calm life so I just booked her in for the five days.

I do trust them but after a few hours I think they get a bit distracted or focus on other things so a full day without me around would worry me a bit

You are not being unreasonable, they are.
You are an adult so to resolve this issue, I suggest you act like one.
You tell them that you are happy to bring your DC to visit but you have to work while you are there and you absolutely cannot work without adequate lighting. If they are not prepared to allow you to do that, then you won't come.
It really is that simple and the outcome is entirely on them.

@Redrosesposies i think this is where I struggle, your post makes sense but I would feel eaten up by guilt if I was that blunt about it and actually followed it through. They would say I was affecting DD and it wasn’t fair on her and that I was being dramatic and controlling. I’d then spend hours worrying about it all

YABU you don’t get to dictate what you can do in their home.

If you need the light for work then just work st home.

Surely you don’t need to work when you get there.
See them on weekends or drop DD off and work at home.

@Uhghg did you miss the bit where I work full time

Ironically in doing so they would be dramatic and controlling.

So you have the hassle of fitting in with their schedule, but it’s not childcare because you need to be there to take over when they are tired and you don’t save any money because they insist on you paying for nursery you don’t use in case they want to go on holiday?!

why have you agreed to an arrangement that makes your life considerably harder yet saves you no money and they don’t look after dd properly so she’s hardly benefitting?! Actually it costs you more money than not doing as you have to cover the petrol costs.

Knock it on the head. It doesn’t work for you, they want to see dgd weekly, they will have to come to you in the afternoon and collect her early from nursery. If it’s too far for them to travel then it’s too far for you to travel in the opposite direction.

You can’t tell them what to do in their own home but equally you don’t have to go over there.
I would just stop going there on work days and visit less frequently at weekends

YANBU, clearly to everyone other than your parents.
Nobody is gaining anything out of this arrangement other than your parents who can tell their friends that yes they see their granddaughter every week. This is the reason my mother wants to see my children- not because she actually wants to help or spend time with them but because she’s embarrassed that her friends are being trusted with their grandchildren and she isn’t

Do you think they feel guilty that they are making you sick? That they ruin your evening by making you work after dd is in bed? That they won’t do the journey to yours as it’s too far but don’t think that’s too far for dd to sit in the car weekly?

why are you the one feeling guilty when you aren’t making your child choose between having headaches (and having to drive a long distance with their grandchild in the car with a headache) or not getting her work done and potentially risking losing her job?

put you, dd and your career first. Retired grandparents can fit in.

Then they're being completely unreasonable about the lights. You're doing them a favour, enabling them to have a relationship with DD while you are there as backup in case they need you, and so that they are not tied down by a regular childcare arrangement.

You could lie and say that your job has been restructured so there is less scope to visit in the working day as you now have to be on a lot of calls and knock the visits on the head and then suggest you take it in turns for weekend visits or they pick DD up from nursery and come to you for dinner one night a week?

I prefer the truth, but you don’t seem able to advocate for yourself!

I actually think they are being controlling and manipulative and imagine they have views on you working full time whilst you have a young child.

the obvious solution is as others have said - you need light and you need to work, if they can’t accommodate those things then you can’t visit especially as you’re paying for nursery… that way visits will be restricted to weekends. As you’ve said you’ll get the guilt trip.

alternatively can you take a suitable light with you that plugs in and does not mean you need to use the spot lights? It’s a ridiculous thing to have to do. It may be the compromise.

Have your parents always been so controlling?

Well that's too damn bad, isn't it mum and dad?

Your parents sound ridiculous, so don't engage and use the childcare you've paid for instead and get your work done at home.

I work from home most days and if it's a dull, grey day I find it too dark to work and have to turn a light on. I would just tell your parents that the lightening isnt adequate for you to work and you won't be able to continue this arrangement unless you can use the lights. Why are people so ridiculous 🤦‍♀️

i think this is where I struggle, your post makes sense but I would feel eaten up by guilt if I was that blunt about it and actually followed it through. They would say I was affecting DD and it wasn’t fair on her and that I was being dramatic and controlling. I’d then spend hours worrying about it all

Your response is quite odd. Why would you feel guilt that your parents are choosing to not see their grandchild because not turning on a light is more important to them? They can resolve the situation if they want to. And I think your point that they get distracted after a few hours backs up my theory that they don’t actually want you to visit for the day every week.

Win win for them, they stop the visits and they can tell themselves/others it’s your fault. It’s not. It’s their choice.

Absolutely nothing for you to feel any guilt about here.

You can’t tell people what to do with the lighting in their own home! If you work, you need to be at home or in the office, not at your parents’. So either your child stays at nursery or you find a childminder. If your parents are happy to mind her, they need to come to yours.

OP your parents are definitely being unreasonable.

I have always lived 3-4 hours away from my parents since I had my child. See them maybe 6 times a year, their relationship with my DC is great.

Dramatic and controlling? Most adults don't spend one of their working days at their parents' house. It's pretty odd of them to expect it, and not at all dramatic for you to stop doing it.

I work from home and during the winter months I need to put the light on when normally it wouldn't be needed if I wasn't working. Could you not use a desk lamp maybe to keep them happy? Although to be honest I have no idea why your comfort (and health if you are getting headaches) is not a priority for them

Yes, I think I'd be telling them that your work pattern was changing (maybe more in person meetings or training etc which means your DD is going to have to use that day in nursery that you're already paying for). If they want to have a relationshp with their DGD they can arrange their life so that they have one. So they can come to you, collect DGD early from nursery, take her out to the park etc. Or even take her to their own house for the day if they don't want to look after her in your house.

Or you see each other at weekends only, taking it in turns to visit each other. But be careful it's not you going to theirs all the time. We would never have seen my inlaws if we didn't go to their house every week when the kids were little. They never put themselves out to come to ours, only if the kids had a birthday, and we are only a 20 minute drive from each other! MIL used to say to me "oh, I wished you lived nearer...." 😆

The kids are young adults now and not particularly close to them, I often wonder if the inlaws wonder why. My parents live further away but STILL made the effort to come to our house to see the kids most weeks, even though my dad was much older and had more health issues.

Can you take your own plug in desk lamp with strong directional light. Then work out the wattage and time on and use the electricity calculator to work out if you owe them 12 or 15 pence and then reimburse them.
They are being weirdly ridiculous

Does your workplace know you sometimes work from your parents’ house? Mine would not allow that at all. We do work from home but it has to be a fixed nominated address.