To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

Calling you controlling and unreasonable is weird. When I’ve worked at my DF house before I just say “dad, is it alright to turn the light on?” And he says yes. Don’t understand what the big deal is for them.

Do you generally say yes to what they want, is it difficult to say no?

Then you just need to be honest and say mum I need to work so if I can’t have the light on then I can’t come over.

If you have to work and they don't want to come to you, you either don't go or they realise a compromise, perhaps frame it that you'll replace the bulb if it blows (shouldn't have to but sometimes necessary) either that or explain if they want shorter visits with you present and not working then it will have to be shorter visits when it suits you. The other alternative is to buy a usb lamp that plugs into your laptop!

They sound like a pain. But could you bring a desk lamp with you for the purpose? To bypass their flash point.

Either take a table lamp that's battery operated (usb charged, loads in tkmaxx at the moment) or just don't go when due to work.

Did you not laugh in their faces when they accused you of being the unreasonable controlling one!

Just sen a text when the ask next week so say “sorry can’t make it today as the light is poor and you know I can’t work in those conditions”

Do it every time on the morning so they get the idea you aren’t stopping them seeing DD but rather the conditions that day don’t allow it (because they are being arses)

Well, they're being silly then.

I do think the only solution is not going over during work hours. They obviously don't really think you are working/your work is crucial.

I suppose you could suggest you go into a bedroom and work? Then you could have the lights on and not bother them.

I do think it is tricky when you mix something social and something work-related like this, TBF.

You tell them that’s their opinion, but you’re not willing to make yourself feel unwell by working without decent lights so sorry, you won’t be able to go over there anymore. And repeat as needed.

"Hi DPs
There is nothing controlling or unreasonable about needing light to work.

You have lots of options here

1. Pretend you are normal and let me turn a light on
2. Decline the light and I dont come and you dont see your GC
3. Decline the light and travel to me amd see ypur GC
4. Let me pay you 50p each time I visit to pay for the equivalent cost of lighting because you have nothing better to do with your time than fuss over lights.

Let me know what you want to do"

They sound fucking exhausting.

I'd either have a light on or I wouldn't be dragging my child over there

Are they this ridiculous in other ways, OP?
as an isolated bit of batshittery it’s VERY odd.

The problem is, whether or not you've paid for nursery, they are providing you with childcare.

In your situation I wouldn't feel especially delighted or grateful, because you're doing all the running here, but people tend to see things from their own perspective.

Ignore the guilt trip, it’s shame the can’t be bothered to come to you, it’s a shame they can’t be bothered to visit to have a relationship with your DD. Push back and put in boundaries. Don’t run yourself ragged. You already work full time with young child.

Sounds as though what they actually mean is that they aren’t comfortable with you using their home as a workplace. I would find a couple of nice coffee shops nearby and split my day between the two of them, assuming it’s too far to drive home and work from there. YANBU they sound stuck in their routine/inflexible but a lot of people get more intolerant to change/infringement as they get older (I’m 50 and already getting to be quite the grumpy arse 🤣)

I think it’s mad that you’re paying for full time nursery but:
1 regularly not using a day that you’ve paid for
2 going to your parents house because they want to see DC but won’t go to your house EVEN THOUGH DC SHOULD BE IN CHILDCARE YOU HAVE PAID FOR
3 working from your parents house to facilitate that nonsense and waste of money

tell your parents the mid week visits are going to have to stop, that you can’t keep taking DC out of nursery like that (make up that you’re risking losing her place if needs be) and put a stop to all of this.

Do they have any issue with you plugging your laptop charger in? Or is it really just the light bulb?

I said that to them and they said I was controlling and unreasonable. They prefer DD at their house rather than coming here

So you tell them that they are being controlling and unreasonable and that you prefer getting work done in adequate light so you won't be coming anymore.

Who made them King and Queen of what you do?

If they are stupid enough to lose contact with their grandchild because they want to die on the hill of not putting the light on, then that's their decision

Buy a head torch.

Buy them some spare bulbs and offer to go an change the bulbs if they go. It is odd behaviour though, in my opinion.

The solution is that working there doesn’t work for you so either your DD goes to nursery or else they come to your house.

Why don’t you go after working hours?

Perhaps you could see them some weekends instead?

You’re not being unreasonable or controlling OP. Frankly I can’t imagine telling one of my DC they couldn’t put the light on if they were visiting at my request, but each to their own. If they want to put conditions on your visiting that’s fine but then they also have to accept the consequences. They don’t get to have it all their way. In your position I’d stay at home, put your DD in nursery and presumably gain the rest of your evening back with her too. I do believe GP relationships are important but it’s not your job to facilitate a relationship entirely on their terms.

They’re entitled to their opinion and to run their house as they see fit.

I would respond by stopping taking her over there.

It could be the spotlights are hard to change,some of them are.

however some people are so weird about lighting. My sil is. She wants it dark, every evening, even when hosting, we sit there by rhe light of the tv, which is just playing music, once I switch the side lights on , as we couldn’t see each other or our drinks, and she went nuts about how she didn’t like it bright. It was a side light, a solitary table lamp. Once they came to my house when we were out, I’d left the side lights on for them, when I came back they were sitting in total darkness with them switched off.

its the oddest thing.