To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

Take a lamp?

RTFT?

You have used some very interesting language in your posts. For example, 'they prefer to see DD at their house' , they say i am 'forcing' DD to go to Nursery 5 days a week if I don't take her to their house.
It is very unreasonable of them. And controlling.
What about what you prefer?
I would suggest messaging them to say that you have to have the right conditions to be able to work, and you don't want to put them out, so going forward they are very welcome to come to your house to spend time with DD on the day that she isn't at nursery.
And see how that works.

Good luck!

If they have an issue with the lights in that room perhaps offer to buy/ take with you a desktop or floor lamp?

It is nuts but retired parents do develop odd little quirks.... my mum (who lives a 4 hour drive away so I go for a few days at a time when I visit) has become obsessed with condensation and limescale... when I come out of the bathroom she's in there, seconds after me, to check/ squeegee / wipe / spray (even though I do all that!) she then makes a big fuss about running the dehumidifier and mutters about damp and black mould... her house is pristine, no damp or mould but she's has to have something to fuss about!

They are delulu

Op I think there's a few things here that would make me really consider stepping back. The fact they are nasty about it when they speak to you about the lights, name calling and saying you are unreasonable and controlling when they don't get things their own way, the critiquing of your parenting choices and undermining you as a parent. It all sounds like projection and gaslighting- they are unreasonable and controlling but actually it serves them to make you believe you are so they can get their own way.

None of that is acceptable. I think you need to set different boundaries that serve you better - with work commitments it no longer suits for us to come to you on a Friday and dd will be in nursery. However you are still welcome to visit us here on Sunday afternoons each week (or whatever that looks like).

You’re not being unreasonable at all to want the light on. Not sure how that will kill the bulbs go one day a week!

ita madness but could you offer to keep a box of spare bulbs?! Of course you shouldn’t have to and my response would be - we won’t be able to come them. But your responses suggest you won’t want to do this?

they are being very controlling and manipulative

I physically couldn’t do that as I’d get a migraine. It seems very controlling of your parents but perhaps if you mention you can’t go next week because your health is suffering, they might appreciate your situation.

Yes, if they want to babysit (and it suits you) just drop off and pick up. If you/they don't want that, just say you respect it's their house, but getting a weekly headache doesn't work for you, so you'll not be coming.

I was going to agree with you originally OP.
But from this post geez you seem unpleasant and hard work!

It sounds like you are completely used to being bullied and emotionally blackmailed by your (unreasonable) parents. Have they been doing this for the whole of your life? As an adult with your own family, it's time to learn how to stand up to this sort of emotional bullying. There's plenty of Assertiveness Training material online (e.g. How To Say No; "Broken Record", etc) if you don't want one-to-one work at the moment. But, quite honestly, it'd be money well spent to have a half-dozen sessions with a counsellor (look for someone specialising in TA) to help you learn to set and maintain boundaries in an adult:adult way. It's time to put your foot down with your parents - there are ways of learning how to do this effectively without upsetting the apple cart.

You pay for nursery and take your daughter out a day just so they can see her and have to do all the legwork to get her that? Stuff that. If they want to see her, they can come to you.

OP, you have been so ground down by them for so long, where you are always wrong, that you have difficulty seeing what screams out at us readers.
Your parents are not particularly nice or kind.
They want everything on their terms and are prepared to be nasty about it.
I would think that you are in such deep FOG, fear, Obligation and guilt via your rearing that your conditioning by them makes it really hard for you to accept.
I would be very wary of their influence on your child considering how comfortable they are being quite nasty to you about this.
I certainly would pull back from this weekly obligation and make it a monthly trip.

This. If they want you to take your child out of nursery one day a week to see them. Tell them that you work 5 days a week and they will need to come and collect her and return her at whatever time you think is appropriate. They are being disrespectful of your job and you.

Not really. They are causing op a lot more hassle. Their behaviour is odd. She is already paying for child care. They are being unreasonable.

Why don’t you bring a desk lamp with you?

If their spotlights are not led, and there are a lot of them, they may well be concerned at the cost: my kitchen had 10 x 40-watt bulbs when it was refitted. I changed them to led bulbs at 4-watts each - maybe offer to replace their bulbs with led ones (WARM WHITE - or it’ll look like a morgue🤣) if that’s the issue… and pull the optician trick as PP have said, too!

Also - led bulbs have a longer life than “normal” bulbs - mine are 20-year life!

But you do need her to be in nursery as they can't take care of her all the time and also want you to bring her to them instead of coming to you to make it easier. They are the ones in the wrong.

Ask them to come to your home. they can take her out. Or If they have her overnight. Then you have all day and night

Yep, this - think both parents and OP are being unreasonable

That really is a bit passive aggressive/cunty

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle I don’t really see how you came to this conclusion OP already said she works FULL time so yes she does need to work whilst she’s there. She also said that her parents don’t live close by. The current trip means that she has to catch up on work later that evening so presumably her leaving DD with her parents and making the journey twice will eat into even more of her working day.

But not as cunty as her parents are being though.

You cannot win, either they allow you use the light or you don’t visit. That’s wild. I’d bring a lamp and head torch to protect their precious 💡