To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

They are being unreasonable but from what you described they are also inflexible so it is a catch 22.

You just need to keep repeating the same messages and follow through on consequences. Put your needs before their wants.

You need to work. You need light to work. That’s not negotiable.

They want to see DD. They want to see her at their house. They want it to be during the week instead of her going to nursery.

You are happy to accommodate their wants but only if they accommodate your needs. If it doesn’t work for them, you revert to using nursery which can meet those needs.

Get yourself to Screwfix and buy a rechargeable work light that does 5 or 6 hours. Probably cost you less than £40.

Of course it’s unreasonable. My parents both did the whole ‘we’re so poor’ thing, so weird. My Dad claimed that he would need to get a mortgage to buy a bungalow (he lived in a house but wanted to downsize and bungalows were maybe £30,000-£40,000 more than his house was valued at) well he died unexpectedly and without saying how much money he had, we had to pay inheritance tax! And I had sat commiserating with him that he couldn’t afford to move 😂 My Mum does the exact same thing, says she can’t afford £20 per week towards care home fees for her Mum but forgets that we know she sold her house that was paid off, had a pension lump sum, retired at a time when retiring was actually possible without a side hustle, has zero housing costs and hasn’t been anywhere since that would cost more than a tenner, eats frugally like it’s the 1950’s, shops in charity shops etc (100% sure there are no hidden expenses) All of which is their right but it’s annoying isn’t it? It’s lying really and you’re expected to go along with it. It must be a generational thing, though I expect your parents are younger than mine. Let’s just say I’ve enjoyed spending my inheritance. Every time I feel guilty I think about not having any days out as a child, being a bit hungry because we lived so frugally or having clothes as a birthday present etc when we were perfectly able to live a nicer life.

@WildWildHorses no don’t think they would but I’ve never had to do that as I charge it up beforehand (my choice they haven’t asked)

Here you go OP:

https://www.screwfix.com/p/lap-rechargeable-led-work-light-1000lm/613KF?tc=UA8&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20283917959&gbraid=0AAAAAD8IdPzEEKwEvgxYlHy8LDYihlVsP&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpJjbkr-BkgMV0JCDBx2hnANmEAQYASABEgKw_fD_BwE

Some people just enjoy sitting in the dark. I too need lighting, whether for WFH or TV. My partner's mother loves to sit in the pitch dark but for the TV, and when I had to go over there to work once, I had to do it in the dark, and I felt so ill when I got home. Headache and strained eyes. A lot of people where I live in the NE seem to turn off all the lights come the evening, and just use the TV light. I find that so odd.

Sounds like they 'prefer' lots of things whether it suits you or not!

Seriously, this is your life now. Just do the things you want to do. See them on a Saturday? Say the long drive and working without a light on isn't working for you any more, so they can come to you?

You're the parent now.

I’m approaching this with science, but as you are not really using your parents for childcare as it is paid elsewhere you could say

”I get that you prefer to make your own choices in your own home, but I from my point of view I am accommodating you by bringing DD over and using my own time in the evenings to catch up for the time spent driving (which I don’t begrudge, as it is nice for you and DD to have the bond), so it only seems fair to give me good working conditions (which you shouldn’t begrudge, as it is nice for you and DD to have the bond). Tell you what, if you feel put out by me having a few spotlights on, we can have a formal agreement about it - over the next year, you can calculate the cost of the electricity and any spotlights that are broken as a result of me having them on and I will calculate the petrol money that you owe me for the additional cost of me driving to you rather than to nursery, then whoever owes who money can pay up”

Hopefully that will stop the nonsense!

Going over there is too difficult. You don't get as much work done and have to catch up in the evening and they aren't allowing you to do your work in a suitable environment.
Stop going.

They definitely ABU. They shouldn't expect you to get eyestrain and they should realise that you are doing them a favour so they can see DD.

Your solutions are

don't go there any more, because you can't work in the dark

buy a light for your laptop and take it with you. I used to use this one when I did onsite work - one client had a really dark office. It just works off your computer USB.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Music-Stand-Light-Gear4music-LED/dp/B018W5JN2K/ref=asc_df_B018W5JN2K?mcid=b36fd69d8d7e3d58a5425a2c26381cfe&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=781426097673&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1998429395345184518&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045297&hvtargid=pla-2455881725169&psc=1&hvocijid=1998429395345184518-B018W5JN2K-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

My parents do t use their spotlights because they’re scared of getting up in a ladder to change a blown one. They’re half halogen half LED (not new). Is this the case with your parents do you think? Could you offer to change a blow bulb for them?

@canklesmctacotits they are able to change it and have the money and resources to get someone to do it for them.

Their reaction is unreasonable yes. But you are unreasonable to go there if this is the reaction you know you’ll get.

Hi parents, I need the light on to work. If this is an issue at yours, you’re welcome to visit us or pick DD up. Unfortunately if you wish me to continue to make the drive to yours I will need to put the light on sometimes. Let me know what you prefer.

You also have to accept that this might not just be about a light. Some GPs don’t handle the fact that their kids have children very well and want to assert control. You seem very obliging and have probably given them a lot of attention on their own terms - having a child often emphasises that you are not a child yourself any more. The reference to you being controlling seems like projection on their part.

Let them pick DD up from nursery if they want to have her for the day.

If you go take a lamp. Or just say you’ll see them when the nights are lighter. If they call you controlling just Let Them.

Love the batshittery of not putting a light on for fear of a bulb going. Who would care if the bulb went if they never use the light anyway?!

I always think you should judge people on what they do not what they say. They are making it very difficult/uncomfortable /unhealthy for you to visit. Therefore they don’t want the visits to carry on.

Some people do this passive aggressive shit when they don’t want to use their words. Best to just remove yourself from the situation. If you try to find a solution they will just sabotage it to re-communicate their wishes.

Well then tell them you will no longer take her over if they complain about you having the lights on when working. Easy!

I’d say YABU just because it’s their house (even if I don’t understand what’s their problem) but if you still want to keep going there then I’d drop off DD and go work at the local library or something.

I get a headache if the lights on too long. It's your parents home, not yours, they get to decide if the lights are on and off. Just as you can decide to work there or work at home.

Well yes, their response is reasonable in that if they don’t want to put certain lights on in their own home, they shouldn’t have to. However, your response to keep going would be unreasonable.

You can’t work at their house if it makes you sick.

you can’t just not work one day when you are being paid to work.

So as they’ve decided the big lights won’t go on, you can’t go over in the working day anymore.

Dont say it’s because of the lights just “I’m being paid to work full time, I can’t work at your house, I’ve tried, so I can’t come over on a week day anymore.” If they want it to happen, they will have to come up with workable solutions, and you just coping with headaches or or hoping magically this week you won’t get a headache isn’t a workable solution. Say no, don’t go. Let them solve the problem they’ve created.

When you go and visit your parents, visit….don’t work, you say you have a lot of flexibility in your job.

If you know they don’t want you to touch their light switches, then don’t. Their house, they pay the electricity bill, their call. You taking your daughter to visit her grandparents, is a lovely thing, but it gives you no rights to alter things in your parents house.

Was there ever a discussion about them minding DD one day a week and her only being in nursery 4 days a week? Just wondering why you're paying for 5 days for nursery when you end up not using a day. Seems like a waste of money. And also suggests that you don't really trust your parents to look after your DD without you also being there. Is that the case?

Take a box of bulbs with you, in fact take a few boxes to make a point 😂
if they continued to be weird about it I wouldn’t go