To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

Yes they are over reacting. I would have a simple conversation again and explain it’s winter you need the light in to work and if that’s not possible then you won’t be able to come

then it’s up to them. With LED bulbs the cost is minimal

They are being ridiculous. I'd personally say to them working at their house isn't working for you. Tell them youl drop dd at nursery for a half day and they can collect her at lunchtime for the reminder of the day and youl get her from there when you finish or they could bring her back to you.

“I’m not affecting DD, she loves nursery, the fact remains that I can’t work in a dimly lit room”

”I’m happy to bring her, but I can’t work in a dimly lit room”

”I want you to have a relationship, but I can’t work in a dimly lit room, so if you want to control the light I’ll have to work from home”

”it’s not fair on DD when I end up with a headache, so I can’t work in a dimly lit room”.

”it s not controlling to let you know that working in a dimly lit room gives me a headache”

”yes it’s a shame she’ll miss out on her days with you because you want to control the lights”

”I don’t think it’s dramatic to let you know I can’t work in a dimly lit room. It’s a bit controlling and dramatic of you to dictate whether I need more light”

Work on not letting them make you feel guilty. They’re being unreasonable, you know what they’re going to say so have some rational responses ready.

Guilt trip them back. It is such a shame that you won't be able to build a bond with your grandchild because I am unable to work in an unlit environment but that's the choice you (GP) are making. I will see you perhaps in the summer when the natural light may be better.

They sound quite toxic really.

You go there at their request, compromise your working day, and then they call you controlling because you need the light on to work?

I just can’t imagine my parents being so ridiculous, mean, territorial, demanding or inconsiderate. Which is what their reaction is.

Wondering how things will go when your little one starts school five days a week!

Can you not just go into a separate room??

@Rattai yes this is in a separate room

then stop going.

They expect to get their own way about everything. You get no financial benefit from their one day a week childcare because you still have to pay for full-time nursery so that they can have complete freedom to go on holiday whenever they want with no notice. They won't come to your house but expect you to come to their's but won't even let you put a light on so that you can work.

I don't understand why you don't get really angry at their inflexible attitude and expectation that you will bend over backwards to faciliitate their relationship with your child so that they need to make no effort at all. Your life would be so much easier if you put your foot down and refuse to visit them when you need to work. Have they always been this difficult?

Sounds like they are so controlling over the big light they have forgotten to equip you with a backbone whilst raising you

C'mon, I don't know anyone who wouldn't have a firm conversation with their parents. Sounds like you need to not go round for a couple of weeks (if you can muster the confidence to do that)

I get this. I have it with my mother. It’s a pattern of abuse where you just aren’t allowed to have needs, right? For some reason (and I don’t understand it either) they feel the need to put you in your place and remind you that your needs don’t matter. Does this come out in other ways too? I denied this to myself for years until she started to do it to my children too and that was when I finally stood up for myself (to show my children that it wasn’t acceptable).

Sounds like you're really in people pleaser mode with them.
You would have absolutely nothing to feel worried or guilty about if you were blunt about it!.
They think you're controlling!?
You say:
Oh yes, it's a shame you can't come to ours. Well, I need to work, so I have to be in a place where I can work.
Yes, what a shame about the light, if only it was ok to have it on. That's really too bad.
Oh well. The optometrist said I need good lighting to work.
What a shame. I'm sure DD would love to see you at the weekend/in a few weeks/when I'm not working/ when you can come to ours.
Repeat. Repeat. Do not worry. Do not feel guilty.
Escape whatever F.O.G. cycle you've gotten yourself into and make it work for you!

Oh and it's also not fair on DD for you to have to work in the evening when you could be doing xyz with her. You can also mention this. Yes not fair on DD to miss out because of a light. What a shame. Etc.

@Greehsa Take a portable battery powered light with you. They can’t complain then.

Umm, are you paying for a full week of daycare but not simply turning up for one of those days because your parents complain that they don’t see your daughter often enough? Are your parents costing you good money? And then making your life difficult to boot?

Please correct me if I have it wrong. Otherwise, ffs.

If I am right, you need to grow a backbone. You are perfectly entitled to behave as they are behaving but on behalf of yourself and your daughter. Your parents have successfully backed the horse called Self Interest for long enough. It’s time you took a turn.

This is a mad arrangement and I hope you can take a step back and see that!

They need to see their grandchild at weekends, evenings, or holidays. You need to stop tying yourself in knots.

Why can’t you go on weekends?

Good grief, grow a spine

You're clearly terrified of your parents and it's clearly them who are unreasonable and
controlling.
They're dictating that you need to take Dd to see them and also preventing you from working without getting a headache while you're there. Can you not see how ridiculous this is?
If they expect you to drive Dd to their house then the very least they can do is provide you with adequate lighting for your work.
If you would truly be eaten up with guilt for requesting a tiny thing like a light when you're already bending over backwards to meet their demands, then you've clearly grown up in a very abusive household and need to work on boundaries. People writing things like "grow a backbone" or offering obvious solutions like "Just dont go there" is because it's unbelievable that you'd even question if you're being unreasonable. It's like writing "My parents knowingly give me an unpleasant headache when I visit, am I unreasonable to mind"!?!

Sounds like THEY are the ones being controlling and unreasonable!

Yes it's them being unreasonable. You say you don't want people to suggest solutions but you really don't have to put up with this you know. That's the great thing about being the adult child of abusive parents.

Their reaction is really unreasonable but there is nothing you can do to change that.

You can change what you do…

Is there a coffee shop or library close to them you can work in, if you are already in a separate room? Or take a desk lamp, just buy one from IKEA and plug it in? Their spotlights will need changing at some point but if you value the relationship with them or don’t want the fallout from not going, I would just look for another solution.
I do think they are being unreasonable and you are being very accommodating though.