To have sent DCs friends home for this behaviour?

[VictorBaucherOrSomething]

DD (11) had two friends for a sleepover last night. About 9pm I walked into the kitchen to find them playing some 'game' where one of them was trying to make the other two laugh when their mouths were full of water. The girls were holding soup bowls and spitting the water into them, except they were obviously missing the bowls and there was spat-out water on my kitchen floor. I asked them to stop and to clean up the mess they made.

When i returned to the kitchen they were still playing the game, with the manky water still on the floor so I asked them to stop again. I have a mirror in the kitchen and saw the two other girls rolling their eyes behind my back and trying not to snigger. At that point I told them it was time for them to go home, so I called their parents to collect them. One parent was pretty apologetic, the other was less than impressed and was pretty snippy with me.

DD still isn't speaking to me for sending her pals away but I was pissed off with the lack of respect from them. AIBU?

They were playing fairly Innocently. I would have told them they has to clear it up when they finished I wouldn't have sent them home that's a huge overreaction imho

It's not nonsense. Sending them home was the nuclear option. The option with very little escalation above it. The option that should be saved for much worse crimes than a bit of eye rolling

And if you bothered to read, you'll see the suggestion for a film with hot chocolate and popcorn was to be made before the eyerolling, to prevent the need to be disrespectful in the first place. You don't earn respect through fear but understanding

I wouldn’t have sent them home , no , I’d have l left them at it , put a time on it when they had to go play a diff game & obviously they had to do the clean up .
That said , it’s done now & I’m sure you’re kinda sorry or you wouldn’t be posting here 🤷🏻‍♀️
.
If It was me in your shoes , I would text the moms in question & just say sorry, you feel you over reacted, & say you’d like to apologise to the girls aswel .
That way you won’t be known as a mean mom , & you’ll be in your dds good books again . 🙂

And I think of them a bit like toddlers.

Distract from the behaviour you don't want, set them up doing something you do want them to do and give everyone a nice snack and drink while they're doing it. Create the vibe and atmosphere you'd like to sustain.

It's not slack or poor parenting to move the whole situation on and making sure interactions are more positive.

Reasonable. But treats are normally for when kids behave well. Treats when they've just been rolling their eyes (whether seen or unseen) at their hosts sends the message that anything goes, they'll still get nice things anyway.

You don't earn it through bribery either. And re your suggestion, yes it was suggested for before the eye-rolling, but they'd already misbehaved at that point, and to me the film/hot chocolate/popcorn would come across as a bribe. Kids that age can see right through these.

Oh, and... the need to be disrespectful?? 🤔

Exactly

Divert from the activiry you don't approve of (but crucially isn't causing harm or is illegal etc) to an equally fun activity

Make them feel welcome not humiliated

OP hasn't said she is sorry, though. And nor does she need to be, or to run round in circles grovelling and trying to appease everybody. Bloody hell, whatever happened to adults being the ones in charge?

It's not bribery

They were doing something OP didn't approve but wasn't misbehaving - OP just didn't like the game

And yes, the need or situation for the disrespect to happen could easily be avoided by not overreacting

And again

The hot chocolate and popcorn was BEFORE the eyerolling

Saying sorry to someone when you feel you are wrong is not grovelling..

In this situation it would have moved the 'game' on and got them doing something you wanted them to do, kept the atmosphere fun and light and resulted in a successful sleepover and happy dc including op's own.

No reason you can't do that and gently admonish them and point out that the behaviour is falling below the standard expected requires.

Depends what you want in general tbh.

I am not responsible for the overall moral and social upbringing of my children's friends. I am responsible for keeping them safe and happy while they are with me, and ensuring that everyone has a nice fun time. I want my dc to feel able to bring friends home and to be able to make mistakes and move on from them too.

I would be interested to know how many of these 'ton of bricks' posters have older dc and how their relationships have gone with teen and adult dc.

My dad overreacted to everything and so I didn't have friends over and spent most of my time elsewhere.

This level of response to a very very minor i fraction seems nuts and makes you look silly and is hard to row back from (or escalate from too). But hey, at least those pesky kids know they were disrespectful eh?

I strongly suspect a lot more people have eye rolled at op since the original event...

Lots of the TikTok trends have been dangerous. Lots of kids doing it doesn’t mean a trend is ok.

The OP is in charge of other people’s children. While some might think disobeying twice and eye rolling is acceptable, it’s rude and disrespectful. So is making a mess in someone else’s house . They would not get back if they did that in my house.

What if one of the kids aspirated water during this sleepover? Inhaled while laughing at the wrong moment? It doesn’t take a lot of water to cause lung problems and I doubt the parents would have been forgiving if something went wrong like that.
It’s recommended an adult be present during this ‘challenge’ . It’s not just a silly game…it does carry some risk..that’s the point of most of the challenges.

not unreasonable and maybe the kids learn some manners

I'm faaaaaaaaaaar from a permissive parent 🤣 if I got told my kids did something wrong, I'd believe it, usually telling them off unless I found evidence of innocence. Letting your kids have childish fun for as long as possible is not going to turn them into sociopaths, talk about exaggeration.

I doubt the OP will be back.

But presumably you expect your DC’s friends to treat you and your home with respect?

Absolutely.

So, a brisk, 'I think this is all getting a bit silly and messy now so pop these bowls in the sink and use these towels to mop up please.'

And, 'I can see you think I'm being a grumpy and spoiling your fun but I am not up for anyone slipping and hurting themselves and I think this is a game for the summer when we can play it outside.'

Then, 'if you can tidy that all up and make it safe and clean please - while you're doing that I'll sort some snacks and then maybe you could grab your duvets and get settled in front of the TV and we could sort out a film for you.'

None of that is permissive but it does allow the playdate to continue without awkwardness.

Like I said, when they're 16 and you're worried about drink, drugs, self harming and sex, a mild eye roll behind your back will seem like the good old days.

I have lovely teens, who behave well and our house is respected and their friends are welcome and seem very comfortable to come round. They may well roll their eyes at me behind my back but I don't know and don't really care. They're not my friends and what they think of me is of v little consequence to my life. I don't necessarily like them all but I would still rather they came here and I get to put faces to names and see the lie of the land, than being so strict and intolerant that my dc go elsewhere and I know nothing and have no influence.

I don't have a spoilt brat - my child is a well-rounded high-achieving adult.
Playing silly games is all part of a happy childhood.

Did you never play bobbing apples?
Water gets everywhere with saliva from kids' and adults' mouths as they try to bite the apples in a basin - the stuff of nightmares for people like you.

Oh come on! It was just water and a fun game between friends.

You totally overreacted and have completely embarrassed your DD. What on earth were you thinking? I’m not surprised she’s not talking to you.

Viewer discretion advised for the following video which contains children playing with water

Treats are part ‘n’ parcel at a sleepover - nothing to do with good behaviour. And the kids weren’t misbehaving, they were playing a messy game. Instead of speaking their thoughts to OPs unnecessary request to stop, they eye-rolled to each other. They didn’t realise they could be seen.

OP has embarrassed her child by sending her friends home over this. Hopefully her friends will sympathise with her having such a strict parent, rather than come away from her entirely. I would find this hard to forgive if OP had been my mother.

They're really not mutually exclusive - there's a time and place for everything.
OP was being a killjoy at a kids' sleepover - social suicide for her children.
All the other mummies know now.

Ofcourse they’re not kidding.

My DD and her friends bake together and make a huge mess whilst doing so. They have so much fun, so who cares about the mess. Once they finish and cakes are in the oven they clean-up.

I leave them to it. I’m pretty sure OPs guests and DD would have tried up the floor once the game was over.

Sleepovers are supposed to be fun.

Couldn’t you have just put a big towel down ? They were just having a bit of fun.

It's not even a new game
It's been around years
It's just popular atm