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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants his best man to be a woman

378 replies

Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:51

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

OP posts:
ShetlandishMum · 10/01/2026 03:54

What harm does her gender?
You don't like her? Or?
I don't get why it's a big issue.

Original poster
Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:57

ShetlandishMum · 10/01/2026 03:54

What harm does her gender?
You don't like her? Or?
I don't get why it's a big issue.

Edited

I don't really know her, and in the past while they were doing their masters she became the cause of arguments in our relationship.

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 10/01/2026 04:02

How did he react to these arguments at the time? Sounds disrespectful to you to now ask her to he his best man, knowing the history.

Member869894 · 10/01/2026 04:03

Absolutely not. She makes you uncomfortable and its your wedding too

LovesLabradors · 10/01/2026 04:05

No way. Absolutely wouldn't be comfortable with that. Not suggesting they've had an affair, but it would feel all a bit Charles-Camilla-Diana.

Trallers · 10/01/2026 04:06

It's very uncool of me but I wouldn't like it either OP. That's not to say he fancies her (although he might), it just feels a bit.. off. It also doesn't feel the most respectful to have someone as best woman who he knows you've felt insecure about in the past. What were the arguments about? Was it just jealousy because she's female and attractive (no judgment if it was) or was there more substance to it?

LorettaY · 10/01/2026 04:07

Sounds dodgy. If my best mate of 22 years asked me, fair enough. But a woman he’s known a few years? Nah. Doesn’t smell right.

Latenightreader · 10/01/2026 04:07

I always find these tricky because I have a close male friend and was best woman at his wedding. He did ask me out when we first knew each other as students, but I wasn't interested and a decades long friendship developed instead. He's happily married, I'm happily single, neither of us has ever behaved in any way that might be misinterpreted. As a result I tend to get defensive when the 'men can't be friends with women, they always fancy them' line gets trotted out on here.

I have had a couple of male friends I've stepped away from because I had concerns (one said he wasn't going to tell his girlfriend we were meeting because she wouldn't be happy - instant red flag). I have wonderful friends both male and female, including one I did fancy when we first met, but am now friends with him and his wife and those feelings have long since gone.

Other people may/will have had very different experiences, but close male-female friendship with no romance/sex/entanglements are possible. However only you and your partner know the ins and outs of your own relationship, and the vibes you are getting from his friendship.

Original poster
Elliens · 10/01/2026 04:16

Trallers · 10/01/2026 04:06

It's very uncool of me but I wouldn't like it either OP. That's not to say he fancies her (although he might), it just feels a bit.. off. It also doesn't feel the most respectful to have someone as best woman who he knows you've felt insecure about in the past. What were the arguments about? Was it just jealousy because she's female and attractive (no judgment if it was) or was there more substance to it?

Honestly, yeah at first it was that she was female and attractive, I think she also drew out a lot of my own insecurities which I have worked on since, but things like being super cultured, well read used to make really anxious as I'm from a working class background.
It also evolved as I felt he messaged her loads, it was mainly about mutual interests or their masters work but I felt like he enjoyed her company more than mine for a bit. He was reassuring and there were definitely times where I was unreasonable just because she is so attractive! I know that is really awful, but I was younger then.

Now my issues are more in that I just don't know her, if she is really his closest friend why have I met her so few times? and some remaining sensitivities from the past.

OP posts:
LovesLabradors · 10/01/2026 04:29

I read a few posts on here from women who have been married to men for 20-30 years who had the "close female friend" who she either suspected or knew he fancied - and it never seems to end well.
In one thread they'd been married for years, but he was taking the "friend" to a candlelit concert, when he'd just allowed her to buy him lunch for their 30 year anniversary. Think carefully about this man you're about to devote your life to.

randomchap · 10/01/2026 04:31

Basically it sounds like you don't trust him with her.

If that's the case, why marry him? The lack of trust will just poison the relationship whether it's deserved or not

wineosaurusrex · 10/01/2026 04:33

Women and men can be just friends. It is his special day too and it would be a bit off for him to not be able to include someone he considers a very close/best friend, no? I would say that the fact he wants her to be best 'man' is proof that there is nothing going on!

JMSA · 10/01/2026 04:35

Nah, it’s a weird choice.

Snowingtoday · 10/01/2026 04:42

I think the fact he knows you aren't happy about how close he is with this woman but wants to go ahead with chosing her for his best man is extremely concerning. He is already prioritising his friendship with her over your feelings.

Tbh I think I wouldd actually reconsider whether I wanted to go ahead with the marriage because he is making it obvious you are not the priority in his life that you should be if he intends to take vows to you.

BeMellowAquaSquid · 10/01/2026 04:48

Why are you even considering marrying this man if you don’t even trust him? You’re clearly insecure about this for whatever reason but their friendship isn’t and shouldn’t end just because you’re becoming a wife. You can’t control who people bond with whether you like it or not.

clamshell24 · 10/01/2026 04:52

Does he really want a best man? It sounds like he's choosing her because he's short of men friends. Do without- it's not compulsory!

WallyWasEre · 10/01/2026 04:55

DHs best man was a woman. A few years later we went to her wedding, too. But your issue is his friendship with her makes you feel insecure and he just doesn’t care. It’s a shame you already have a child together but I’d fuck him off.

LostittoBostik · 10/01/2026 04:58

My DH chose not to have a best man - that’s always an option

CamillaMcCauley · 10/01/2026 05:02

Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:57

I don't really know her, and in the past while they were doing their masters she became the cause of arguments in our relationship.

Show quote history

From what you’ve written, she didn’t cause the arguments, your insecurities caused the arguments.

SatsumaDog · 10/01/2026 05:29

Ok totally get where you’re coming from op. This isn’t a decades long friendship or a family member. I would feel it’s inappropriate too. However. I would also be examining tribe bigger picture. If their relationship makes you uncomfortable, what’s going to happen moving forward?

BCBird · 10/01/2026 05:36

I think the fact that you don't know her is irrelevant. The fact that her presence has caused arguments in your relationship, is the issue here.

Thoseslippers · 10/01/2026 05:39

My DH had a female best man. It didn't bother me. However its your wedding too and you need to be happy. Anyone taking part in your wedding should be by mutual agreement amongst you. If you would really be unhappy if she were best man I think he needs to accept that and not have her as best man.

BadLad · 10/01/2026 05:42

Do you have any stunningly handsome male friends you could ask to be bridesmaids?

ScarletSwan · 10/01/2026 05:45

Weddings are meant to be joyous occasions where your friends and family gather to celebrate your wedding. Frankly, in this situation, I don't see it as being a joyous occasion with his best "female mate" playing gooseberry. She has caused arguments and stress in your relationship previously so he is being utterly unreasonable to attempt to impose her on you as part of the wedding party. I would be thinking long and hard about marrying him.

Mapletree1985 · 10/01/2026 05:45

Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:51

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

Would you let him have the final say on who you choose for your bridesmaids/maids of honor?