DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

The vast, vast majority of men would be uncomfortable with their wife regularly meeting with a man of similar age for coffees etc - good friend or no. Because men know what men can be like (extremely visual, flirtatious given a chance, sometimes inappropriate in questions etc etc). It’s just weird. It seems some women can, for want of a better word, be somewhat naive about this stuff. OP is right to be uncomfortable.

Why do the OPs feelings matter more than her partners? It's a huge red flag when someone thinks they can control their other half in the way OP is trying to do. I'm really surprised so many are justifying her controlling behaviour.

The groomxs sister would not normally be on the top table but if she were, the OP would not have worries, at least I hope not, of an inappropriate relationship with his sister.

I was my best friend's best woman so I don't have a problem with the concept. But it makes you uncomfortable (and not completely unfoundedly imo) and so it shouldn't be happening.

If he can't hear you on your wedding day of all days then that's a big problem. Imagine your big day feeling resentful and a bit humiliated. No.

I don't know many men like this. If a man is uncomfortable with his wife or girlfriend meeting her male friends then that is a gigantic red flag - when I was dating it was an immediate dumping offence.

It's not very traditional is it- shouldn't it be a man for 'Best man'!

This is all about your insecurities and comes across as quite controlling. If you don't trust him not to shag his best mate, why the hell are you marrying him?

Besides, who invites someone they fancy to be the best woman at his wedding? Kind of a flaw in the master plan there. I want to have an affair with this woman so I'll invite her to watch me marry my partner? No.

Nah this is awkward. You are not being unreasonable OP, I used to be friends with lots of men especially when I was more attractive when I was younger, and sadly 9 times out of 10 they ended up admitting they fancied me or something, or there was a vibe, they’d say something to confirm what I suspected, and when I then met my husband they did fizzle out (in some cases they would still hang around)

So from her perspective it sounds like your husband to be is one of her pals but a meet up once in a while someone to go for a chat with, a pal, a buddy so to speak, pass a few hours over a drink or whatever, little catch up, confidence boost she knows he slightly fancies her but nothing serious, if she moved far away wouldn’t be catching flights to meet him but if he was in town would meet him for a beer. The main people in her life (out of her peers) would be her female friends. If she were to get married she’d have them for her hen and bridesmaids I’d suspect.

from your husband to be’s perspective these quarterly coffees clearly means a lot more, I’m sorry. I know a ‘best woman’ who is also very attractive (pretty, large chested and slim long legs, long red hair), witty and intelligent and she found it all very awkward to be involved with planning a stag, speech and being a best man, she didn’t want it and didn’t feel that close to him. She said she felt side-eyed the entire time by everyone involved, other wives of the stag felt a bit off about a woman going on the stag too apparently staying and drinking with their partners. She said she felt like a trophy piece to parade in front of the lads ‘not only am I getting married but look at this fitty we have planning the stag’ etc. I knew both the groom and the best woman throughout uni and the groom had always had an interest in her beyond a platonic one, although nothing was ever said or confirmed it was just obvious. Men always want to be friends with her. She is lovely yes, but my witty and intelligent but more dowdy looking friends don’t have the same men wanting to befriend them….

it would steal attention and focus, sorry but it would if only people working out ‘does he fancy her I wonder, I bet he does look at her’, or ‘how awkward’, or ‘poor bloke doesn’t have any male friends’. it will sadly be a topic of gossip in the car on the way home, I would be thinking ‘poor bride that would piss me right off’

I’m sorry OP but I would be veto’ing this and I’d be considering how okay I was with this friendship moving forwards if he keeps meeting up with her alone. like does he have to?!

Course you don’t
fook that op, nope

Top tables comprise whoever the couple want on them and I've seen siblings there.

The OP shouldn't have worries that her fiance will have an inappropriate relationship with anyone, including attractive female friends. If she does have those worries she shouldn't marry him.

My point is that women who do this status-jockeying and power-play madness based on other women's looks are, as I've said, EXHAUSTING - you are bearing this out.

My "friend" was invited to the wedding of the man she had been having an affair with and still was. She didn't stay my friend.

Please don't marry him
I will bet good money he is attracted to her and he has no respect for you

A best man should be a friend or family member who is in your life long term. Not some randomer you've known 4 years.

I'd be really concerned he hasn't got any friends or family close enough to be best man. I would be fine with a "best woman" if it were a sister or close female cousin or female friend you'd known for a very long time and was really close.

It's a really odd choice when this person has caused issues in your relationship before. Are you a very passive person? How has this not been rejected immediately. Why is it still up for discussion? I've heard on mumsnet of brides not liking the best man but again that's when it's their DHs friend who goes way back, most often known the groom before the bride. But usually the groom chooses someone the bride loves too.

Ok, so how will this work practically? What will the stag do look like?

"Status jockeying and power play madness"? Of women? You sound like a man who has little understanding of women, or of men, to be quite honest.

I’m getting married in the summer and my fiance is having two groomsmen and two groomswomen. I’m having three bridesmaids and a bridesman - my male best friend who I’ve known for 20 years, I was groomswoman at his wedding and am very close to his wife too. One of DPs groomswomen is his sister, the other is a close female friend.

the concept of this wouldn’t bother me at all but if you’ve had arguments about this woman it does feel a bit insensitive. Could you spend time together as a three? My DPs closest female friend spends time with both of us and we have our own friendship now.

I thought it was about the couple equally, in 2026. Not about human property being shifted from the father's ownership to her husband's.

🙄

You should have this poster as your BM, OP. She is your soul sister.

I think the difference here is the specific woman chosen. Perhaps I didn’t explain myself properly- if the woman was a family friend and known by at least some of the other guests, it would be a different matter. In the OP’s case, she would certainly attract attention. I have no issue at all with female best ‘men’, I’m all for it, but both partners have to be comfortable with the choice.

That ship has sailed, they have a child together. Far better to be married when a child comes along.

So does that go for the Best Man? Or is it only a woman who has to be well known?

No they sound like a person of any sex who is aware of this aspect of toxic femininity. It is gross.

Not worth having anything that causes drama at your wedding. I didn’t have a MOH because it was a toss up between my sister and my best friend and my sister is a cow a bit difficult. Better just to have bridesmaids. Some people will disagree, but I think keeping your wedding friction free means less stress and a happier day - some things are just not worth the drama. You don’t need to have a best man, all they do is hand over the rings and you can get anyone to do that - if you have a cute child in the family I’d have them as ring bearer.

Nothing wrong with a man/having a close friend of the opposite sex who they enjoy regularly meeting on a 1-1 basis. I wouldn’t marry someone who does this though, and neither would anyone I know. Most people like to on occasions discuss fairly personal/close matters with close friends, and to do so with a (heterosexual) member of the opposite sex would just feel wrong. And why that might not be a “PC” viewpoint for 2026 UK, I expect in reality it holds pretty well across all countries and time periods.

Nor do I. The men I know like thst usually have a history of DV and arent not friends of mine and certainly not a partner.

I’ve got friends whose husbands had women as their “best man” but it was a very different situation from the one you outline, eg very long term friendship, also friends with bride etc. so I am not at all against the idea of a woman as best man but not if she makes you uncomfortable or upset on your wedding day. If no one else fits the bill does he NEED a best man?! I’ve been to weddings with a whole variety of differently shaped wedding party. Don’t have a best man and someone else can do the equivalent speech eg father of th groom or something?!