DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

I also think it would be different if this was a female friend of longer than the relationship.

Not a new shorter than the relationship best women friend. Op would then also likely actually know her as well.

He hasn't considered your feelings at all in this - is that normal behaviour for him?

I'd like to say 'of course men can just be really close friends with gorgeous younger women they met after you' but I made a similar mistake in my 20's OP and so I wouldn't be marrying that man.

Yes the poster came back and said they weren't serious.
Fair enough. But actually I don't think the OP deserves people joking about what is a serious issue for her.

I stand by that if op wants to control his friendship group, he should have the same ‘power’ but that would be a horrible thing for both to do and an awful relationship to be in.

I have absolutely no issue with opposite sex friendships and tbh find it a bit weird when people question them because it just sounds like a very traditional warped old fashioned way of thinking where your friends have to be homogenous versions of you - where do gay friends fit in, for example? How about bi? How about friends who are much older or younger?

However in this case you don't sound unreasonable, mainly because it's weird that a 'best' friend has never met his child and has barely met his wife.

You guys shouldn't be getting married, sorry, you don't trust him and you don't respect his choice and whether or not that's valid is not really the point. If you do need to be worried about her - don't marry him, if you don't need to be worried about her, you still shouldn't marry him because of your lack of trust in him and your lack of respect for his decisions. Good marriages don't start this way, I'm sorry. I wasn't a fan of dhs best man (he was a man but v impulsive, not by type of person), I also had only met him a few times but it's his choice, I respected that, he had an amazing stag do, doing whatever the hell he wanted because I trusted him implicitly. I'd only ever marry someone I trusted implicitly. I mean, what's the worry here, he is orchestrating her as his best man because he fancies her and wants to spend the time with her!? If that is the type of person he is, or that you think he is, do you honestly think that just stopping the best man situation right now will stop him cheating throughout your entire lives/marriage? If he's that conniving that he is choosing his best man subject to her being hot, then whether or not she actually is the best man is not really the point! Conversly, if it's all in your head, then you're restricting his friends and dictating the most important role to him in his own wedding. Just call it off now and find someone you genuinely trust, can allow to live their life with freedom and who's decisions you respect.

If it steps over a line then it can't reasonably be called a friendship though. The OP hadn't indicated anything like that.

I'm surprised he would even suggest it knowing you have felt insecure about her in the past. You probably shouldn't feel insecure and some may say you should put your feelings aside but I don't feel you should have to do that on your wedding day.

He meets this woman regularly and OP accepts that despite this friendship causing issues in the past for whatever reason. It seems all she is asking is he doesnt have her as his best man/woman on their wedding day. If my future husband couldn't consider my feelings on our wedding day then to me that crosses a line.

If you feel this weired out then you shouldn't be marrying him.

My friend was a "bridesmaid" as his friend's wedding. Well he wasn't in a dress, but he was one of the three.

Think hard before listening to the ‘pick me’ girls on here who are such cool wives and girlfriends and of course never nag like other girls. As Lily Allen found out, it doesn’t matter how few boundaries you have, some blokes will always cross em.

Seems like that’s what is happening here. You have tried over and over to be reasonable about the friendship with this woman and he’s just pushed the issue to breaking point. A lot of us have friends our partners tolerate but we know they would not be okay if we invited that friend to join us at our Christmas dinner/summer holiday etc. Similarly he should know that to keep the peace, this is not something he should even ask.

Weddings are about tradition. You can of course get married without all the wedding stuff but if you are doing ‘a wedding’ there are certain ‘norms.’ Having a female best man raises eyebrows anyway but if it’s a female friend of many many years friendship (ideally in a committed relationship themselves) most guests will already know the person and it’s accepted as quirky.

Having a female best man who the groom has known for less time than he’s known the bride is weird, very very weird. The him being closer to her than anyone else is ringing alarm bells, but nonetheless, plenty of men will be closer to their sister, mum or cool aunt than they are to their male friends- yet they still manage to choose a male best man because it’s tradition.

Him doing this will make you look a fool to your guests, everyone will be…let’s say curious about the situation. He knows this woman is leaving you feeling uncomfortable yet he still sees her, messages her etc, that’s bad enough. But now he wants to rub your nose in this discomfort by giving her a prime spot your wedding? It’s your wedding too.

Honesty, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and your partner is giving ‘my needs are more important than OUR needs’ vibes. And then there is the sticky question of why the presence of this other woman is a ‘need’ to the point that he would knowingly upset his wife-to-be??

Run while you still can. If you do I suspect he’ll be dating this other woman in no time at all, while acting like you pushed them together by breaking his heart. No doubt maintaining his absolute innocence that he had no romantic feelings at all for this other woman when he was with you- these feelings just switched on of their own accord within days of you leaving.

God I’m jaded 😆😆🫤

Yep. It would very much be “if you don’t put my feelings about this above yours on our wedding day there won’t be one. Your call.. “

I will say, I would do the same for my husband in this situation. It’s weird.

Op has only indicated that she has prejudice against the woman for things outside her control, that she was provided with a good education so op is intimidated.

You may be jaded but you're right!

Especially:

Weddings are about tradition.

Having a female best man who the groom has known for less time than he’s known the bride is weird, very very weird.

Him doing this will make you look a fool to your guests, everyone will be…let’s say curious about the situation

your partner is giving ‘my needs are more important than OUR needs’ vibes. And then there is the sticky question of why the presence of this other woman is a ‘need’ to the point that he would knowingly upset his wife-to-be??

OP will she be at his stag do?

Then she isnt an appropriate choice at all. And the fact he thinks she is would concern me. It is like a test. But mainly, him saying he doesnt have a male friend would also concern me.

My chief bridesmaid was my male best friend from high school. Married at 28 years of age. He saw me through my worst and best. To have him with me was the best! He’s the god father to my children also. He’s my best friend. There was never going to be anyone else. I was one of his best men team as he had two brothers. If you’re starting out like this you need to have a word with yourself and your fiancé!

So someone you'd known and been close to for years and years which is nothing like the OP situation. In her case her fiance has known this woman a shorter time than he's known the woman he's going to marry

So true

Yes, so she should speak to her fiance and sort it out before the wedding or else it will always be an elephant in the room,

He's marrying you not her. He should have who he wants this is a you problem.

I wouldn't be happy with this tbh id actually consider not going ahead and getting married to him if she's previously been a issue

She hasn’t “previously been an issue” though. OP made it an issue (but then decided to have a baby and arrange a wedding regardless). It’s pretty unreasonable to get huffy about it now!

If she's not comfortable with her then it's a issue now and clearly was before if she felt that way