DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

As with cheater threads, funny how the H’s exciting new ‘friend’ is a woman, attractive, young etc. This one is just doing it before marriage. Perhaps to have someone on the back burner and keep his partner on her toes.

All the ‘cool wife’ posts, bet if you’re married you didn’t have your fiance’s new female friend as ‘best woman’.

I had a boyfriend who did stuff like this (didn’t get anywhere near marriage): he was a cheater and liked to have his next girfriend lined up.

I think you and your DP should reconsider getting married.

Trust and respect are the foundations of a marriage and it doesn't sound like you are both there at the moment. Trust your gut instincts.

My brother had a best woman instead of a best man, but in his case she was his best friend of many, many years and she was very close to his wife too. Nobody who knew them would have disputed that she was his best friend because we all knew she was.

It doesn't sound like your husband has any really close friends so is maybe picking her as the best option (to him) from a group of people who are more acquaintances than close friends. I agree though that if they aren't that close and she has been the cause of arguments in the past, she's not a great choice for him.

Have you discussed whether he really needs a best man at all? They're just a convention, not a requirement, and you can forego them if there isn't a natural choice for your husband.

Does he feel happy about the state of his friendships generally? Maybe this is bringing home to him that he doesn't have many / any close friends and he's picking her so that he at least has an option. I'd approach the conversation gently and see what he says about that.

👆This. I have many female friends who I have absolutely no intention of getting jiggy with, nor they with me. Anyone trying to police or restrict my friendships can go to hell!
I get why you're jealous OP, but either don't get married or learn to appreciate that he has friends who aren't men! Maybe you can meet her socially.
Also don't let your working class-ness (which you've mentioned as a factor in your insecurities) limit your perspectives.

Bloody hell, would you really drop one of your friends so easily if the new bloke asked you to? I wouldn't. Men/women come and go but friendships stay forever.
I told my current man about my best friend (who is also a man) quite early into dating. I described our relationship, frequency and nature of our contact and said that he will be in my life forever. "With that information, are you comfortable proceeding with our relationship?"
The woman was not the "cause of argument". The cause of argument was OP who, presumably, just started dating her fiance at that point. Why should he stop being friends with anyone over this, I am not entirely sure.

I normally agree that any female friendship that makes you uncomfortable needs to be addressed and even ended if any reasonable line s are crossed, but to be fair to her (and him), it doesn't seem like either has done anything wrong.

She is being unfairly maligned because she is beautiful and you are insecure. Also, you mentioning her being cultured and well-read as further reason of making you uncomfortable means the insecurity runs pretty deep and she can't win as you see her as some sort of competition
This is all about your own insecurities which you obviously haven't fully dealt with.

Wedding/best man issue aside, imagine if a woman's partner was picking arguments with her because she was friends with a very attractive man and had done nothing wrong...people would say that's abusive.

Then there's the issue of the future. What are you going to do about her being in your lives for possibly many years to come and a husband you don't trust?

I had to put my foot down over a M-F friendship in my relationship, posted on here and everyone was supportive of me doing so. In principle I’d not object but in this case you’ve already had issues with this woman so it’s a hard no.

Not to be too pedantic, but in the example you gave, your friend initially asked you out, so it wasn’t purely platonic from the start. Because of that, the conclusion about relationships with no entanglements doesn’t fully apply here.

It doesn’t matter what the relationship is between him and his friend. You don’t trust him. Don’t marry him.

🙄

is that what happened? Or did you and your jealousy cause issues in the relationship?

She is his friend.

If you think his affections are more than that, then you shouldn’t be marrying.

If you think she is just a good friend then you should have no problem with her being a best man.

I have been to a wedding with a female best man and it was great.

It doesn't seem like he has many friends or other options. If he is attracted to her he's not likely to ask her to support him on the day he's getting married to someone else, and likewise her for him.

Also, if she's stunningly beautiful it's even more impressive that he's choosing to marry you.

I reckon you should try and bond with her over coffee and go OTT on how much you value her support etc.

It sounds like your insecurities were the cause of the arguments, not her. The world's full of beautiful women who your dp could meet and even like. Sounds like you don't trust him or this relationship so don't marry him and get some counselling

I think you should work on your own insecurities and jealousy before getting married.

This thread actually got me thinking about how a groom would feel if his bride were to announce that she wasn’t having her sister/cousin/ best friend from school etc as bridesmaids. In place of those she was considering asking her male ‘contacts’………the guy who sits near her at work, the chap who services her car, the bloke she lived next door to when growing up, the young man who serves her coffee at the takeaway cafe on the station. Imagine a group of males in matching attire attending to the bride pre/during/after the wedding…….how might that make a groom feel?

Perhaps the OP could ask her prospective groom and what do MN think of that proposal?

I was best man for my male best friend. We met on day one at university, did Masters together in the USA and were sharing a flat when he met his lovely wife. I had a boyfriend when they met (who I later married) so I guess she was never threatened by me. My boyfriend, later my husband, similarly was chilled about the friendship and we all spent a lot of time together over the years. We were firm friends right up until her death from cancer a couple of years ago. I loved her and miss her.

I dont think having a female best friend should be a problem but clearly you have a long lasting issue with their friendship. It’s a shame it wasn’t resolved before now. It seems like a shame to not embrace your partner’s best friend but maybe the issue is that he hasn’t seemed that close to her - but is that because of you or because he’s just not got many close friends? Either way I’d not want to be a block to my partner’s friendships or be perceived as that by them. It could be a cause of resentment.

If he didn't like one of your bridesmaids or moh and vetoed her , what would you think ?
He's marrying you not her , if he feels she is his best friend then he should be able to have who he wants .
I can see him being put off from marrying you if you push this ( controlling ) attitude .
Good luck to him .

But her being his closest friend doesn’t mean he sees her in person loads. That’s not really a rule.

I think my DP sees his best mate once or twice a year in person. But they speak on the phone pretty regularly. I’ve met him once.

Their relationship makes you uncomfortable because she’s pretty. By your own admission they haven’t done anything untoward and they texted a lot when they were on the same course which is pretty normal. You’ve even seen their messages.

would you let him veto your maid of honour?

Does this Potential ‘Best Man’, have a partner of her own?
would her partner also be at your wedding?
Is she rich?
Does your husband-to-be, know any of PBM’s family?

That shows insecurity. By all means say no to her being best man as long as your future dh can have a say on your bridesmaid. Its your problem not hers, get over it

He cannot read the room that it would upset you. Yes it smells off....

It’s also clear OP that your H is a man who makes and enjoys friendships with women, more so than men. This makes him not a good match for your insecure personality. Every time he starts to make a new friendship, your insecurity will be reignited. What’s he meant to do? Never make a new friend?

It may not feel rational but you’re listening to your instincts and I’d do the same.

It feels like an odd choice - esp if he has male friends. It’s already a talking point to have a female in the role but if she’s stunning then it’s a real focus-puller and no bride wants that. It’s not petty. It’s just how you feel.

Can you have a calm discussion about it? Be honest that you’d prefer not to be competing for attention on this day.

If he doubles down on it, ask him if he’s already asked her…

Of cours men and women can be friends. But the whole point of the wedding is that you're supposed to be his best female friend!

It's not inappropriate for him to have her as a friend, but it is inappropriate to celebrate that friendship so publicly on your wedding day.

Ps there's no rules for a wedding. He doesn't have to have a best man at all. They don't actually DO anything except maybe hand over the rings (anyone else can do that) and upset people with a drunken, unfunny speech (anyone else can do that)

I wouldn’t like it either.