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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants his best man to be a woman

378 replies

Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:51

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

OP posts:
anotherside · 10/01/2026 08:56

Happyhappyeveryday · 10/01/2026 08:51

I think the difference here is the specific woman chosen. Perhaps I didn’t explain myself properly- if the woman was a family friend and known by at least some of the other guests, it would be a different matter. In the OP’s case, she would certainly attract attention. I have no issue at all with female best ‘men’, I’m all for it, but both partners have to be comfortable with the choice.

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Yeah exactly, a random glamorous looking woman as “best man”. Marriage is hard enough work already surely? 🥲

LeafyMcLeafFace · 10/01/2026 08:58

Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:57

I don't really know her, and in the past while they were doing their masters she became the cause of arguments in our relationship.

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She didn’t become the cause of arguments, your insecurities did. She was just getting on with life and hasn’t done anything to deserve your dislike of her from what I can see.

I’m also pretty sure that who your fiancé chooses to have as his best man is not for you to decide.

However, I would be reflecting on whether marriage is right for you if you feel the need to control this because of insecurity.

MyLimeGuide · 10/01/2026 08:58

I think you need to tell him no. This day should be about you two, why would he want to do that? He sounds a bit selfish and immature IMO

Isekaied · 10/01/2026 09:01

randomchap · 10/01/2026 04:31

Basically it sounds like you don't trust him with her.

If that's the case, why marry him? The lack of trust will just poison the relationship whether it's deserved or not

This

If he cant respect your feeling now. It will only get worse in the coming years.

anotherside · 10/01/2026 09:02

saminamama · 10/01/2026 08:43

Nah this is awkward. You are not being unreasonable OP, I used to be friends with lots of men especially when I was more attractive when I was younger, and sadly 9 times out of 10 they ended up admitting they fancied me or something, or there was a vibe, they’d say something to confirm what I suspected, and when I then met my husband they did fizzle out (in some cases they would still hang around)

So from her perspective it sounds like your husband to be is one of her pals but a meet up once in a while someone to go for a chat with, a pal, a buddy so to speak, pass a few hours over a drink or whatever, little catch up, confidence boost she knows he slightly fancies her but nothing serious, if she moved far away wouldn’t be catching flights to meet him but if he was in town would meet him for a beer. The main people in her life (out of her peers) would be her female friends. If she were to get married she’d have them for her hen and bridesmaids I’d suspect.

from your husband to be’s perspective these quarterly coffees clearly means a lot more, I’m sorry. I know a ‘best woman’ who is also very attractive (pretty, large chested and slim long legs, long red hair), witty and intelligent and she found it all very awkward to be involved with planning a stag, speech and being a best man, she didn’t want it and didn’t feel that close to him. She said she felt side-eyed the entire time by everyone involved, other wives of the stag felt a bit off about a woman going on the stag too apparently staying and drinking with their partners. She said she felt like a trophy piece to parade in front of the lads ‘not only am I getting married but look at this fitty we have planning the stag’ etc. I knew both the groom and the best woman throughout uni and the groom had always had an interest in her beyond a platonic one, although nothing was ever said or confirmed it was just obvious. Men always want to be friends with her. She is lovely yes, but my witty and intelligent but more dowdy looking friends don’t have the same men wanting to befriend them….

it would steal attention and focus, sorry but it would if only people working out ‘does he fancy her I wonder, I bet he does look at her’, or ‘how awkward’, or ‘poor bloke doesn’t have any male friends’. it will sadly be a topic of gossip in the car on the way home, I would be thinking ‘poor bride that would piss me right off’

I’m sorry OP but I would be veto’ing this and I’d be considering how okay I was with this friendship moving forwards if he keeps meeting up with her alone. like does he have to?!

Common sense prevails! Honestly, the husband to be sounds like he must have the emotional intelligence/empathy of a squid to be trying to be trying to inflict this on his fiance to begin with. Not a great start!

LeafyMcLeafFace · 10/01/2026 09:02

Happyhappyeveryday · 10/01/2026 07:58

I think you should be completely honest with DP about how you feel and he really should respect your wishes. I wouldn’t be happy either. From another perspective, it may be old fashioned, or even narcissistic, but the attention on the day should be on the couple (or the couple and their children) and this would place all the attention firmly on her, as it would be so novel. Do either you or DH to be want everyone to be focusing on her, rather than you?

It’s really not novel (unless you’re a character in a Jane Austen novel)

Spoodles · 10/01/2026 09:03

MyLimeGuide · 10/01/2026 08:58

I think you need to tell him no. This day should be about you two, why would he want to do that? He sounds a bit selfish and immature IMO

So the day should be about the two of them but only her opinions matter? Hmm

Celestialmoods · 10/01/2026 09:03

MyLimeGuide · 10/01/2026 08:58

I think you need to tell him no. This day should be about you two, why would he want to do that? He sounds a bit selfish and immature IMO

Really? It’s selfish and immature to choose a good friend to support you on your wedding day but it’s not selfish and immature to control who your partner is allowed to be friends with?

LeafyMcLeafFace · 10/01/2026 09:04

Isekaied · 10/01/2026 09:01

This

If he cant respect your feeling now. It will only get worse in the coming years.

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What about her respecting his?

As far as I can see, you’re suggesting that he enable her insecurities and controlling behaviour.

CheeseWisely · 10/01/2026 09:05

I mean we could stop saying that ‘she’s caused problems in the relationship’ because it doesn’t sound like the friend has done anything out of order at all in any of this. Any problems in the relationship that are related to the friendship have been caused by either of the two people in the relationship.

It can’t be that you don’t want someone you dislike at your wedding (which would be valid) because you don’t know her to dislike her.

As stated multiple times, if you trust him then it should be no issue, if you don’t trust him then why are you marrying him?

AngelinaFibres · 10/01/2026 09:06

Elliens · 10/01/2026 04:16

Honestly, yeah at first it was that she was female and attractive, I think she also drew out a lot of my own insecurities which I have worked on since, but things like being super cultured, well read used to make really anxious as I'm from a working class background.
It also evolved as I felt he messaged her loads, it was mainly about mutual interests or their masters work but I felt like he enjoyed her company more than mine for a bit. He was reassuring and there were definitely times where I was unreasonable just because she is so attractive! I know that is really awful, but I was younger then.

Now my issues are more in that I just don't know her, if she is really his closest friend why have I met her so few times? and some remaining sensitivities from the past.

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I wouldn't like any of this.

HK16 · 10/01/2026 09:07

Please don’t marry this man. He deserves better.

anotherside · 10/01/2026 09:08

YourHappyHelper · 10/01/2026 08:55

Nor do I. The men I know like thst usually have a history of DV and arent not friends of mine and certainly not a partner.

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Or perhaps they’re normal gentle, caring men who have marriages that are still working decades later - because both partners have huge empathy and respect for the other and avoid actions that would make the relationship feel threatened, ie intimate 1-1 evenings spent with a person of the opposite sex? But no - your DV take is much more common sense.

YourZippyHare · 10/01/2026 09:08

HK16 · 10/01/2026 09:07

Please don’t marry this man. He deserves better.

No, OP deserves better than for her soon-to-be husband to be trying to get his crush to be his 'best woman'. It's completely inappropriate.

LeafyMcLeafFace · 10/01/2026 09:09

YourZippyHare · 10/01/2026 09:08

No, OP deserves better than for her soon-to-be husband to be trying to get his crush to be his 'best woman'. It's completely inappropriate.

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How do you know he has a crush on her?

There seems to be a bit of creative licence going on

Spoodles · 10/01/2026 09:10

YourZippyHare · 10/01/2026 09:08

No, OP deserves better than for her soon-to-be husband to be trying to get his crush to be his 'best woman'. It's completely inappropriate.

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This women is not his crush. Saying things like this makes you sound like a silly jealous teenager. It's quite strange to read so many posts from people who think men can't possibly be friends with someone they have common interests with only those that have the same genitals.

Ophy83 · 10/01/2026 09:11

I don't have an inherent problem based on her being female. I was best "man" for my bf at his wedding. But we've been best friends our entire lives and there has never been a time when we fancied each other. We've both been thrilled for each other finding our spouses, he gets on well with dh, has babysat our kids on occasion so dh and I could have a date night etc. I was honoured to be asked. I very much like his dw and am certain he only asked me after clearing it with her. I was very careful in my speech to avoid any "I know him best" type of stories.

Your situation is different- a more recent friendship that has already caused issues within your relationship. Her presence in that role would spoil your day.

Celestialmoods · 10/01/2026 09:11

YourZippyHare · 10/01/2026 09:08

No, OP deserves better than for her soon-to-be husband to be trying to get his crush to be his 'best woman'. It's completely inappropriate.

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How do you know he has a crush on her?

Does any women that can be described as conventionally attractive have to be reduced to nothing but their looks as if they can’t possibly have anything else to offer in a friendship?

What a load of misogynist shite.

TheatreTheatre · 10/01/2026 09:12

Elliens · 10/01/2026 03:57

I don't really know her, and in the past while they were doing their masters she became the cause of arguments in our relationship.

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She became the cause?
Or his behaviour?
Or your jealousy / suspicion?

gannett · 10/01/2026 09:12

anotherside · 10/01/2026 09:08

Or perhaps they’re normal gentle, caring men who have marriages that are still working decades later - because both partners have huge empathy and respect for the other and avoid actions that would make the relationship feel threatened, ie intimate 1-1 evenings spent with a person of the opposite sex? But no - your DV take is much more common sense.

Edited
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Most people are not threatened by the idea of their partner socialising 1-1 with a friend of the opposite sex. As I said before, it is a gigantic red flag for jealousy and control issues if they are.

cantthink123 · 10/01/2026 09:13

OP maybe youve only met her her a few times because she knows you have a problem with her?

MyLimeGuide · 10/01/2026 09:13

Spoodles · 10/01/2026 09:03

So the day should be about the two of them but only her opinions matter? Hmm

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Nope. It works both ways. I doubt the OP is going to ask some hot guy to be her bridesmaid though.

MyLimeGuide · 10/01/2026 09:15

Celestialmoods · 10/01/2026 09:03

Really? It’s selfish and immature to choose a good friend to support you on your wedding day but it’s not selfish and immature to control who your partner is allowed to be friends with?

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At the expense of ruining the day for your bride to be? I think so, yes.

YourZippyHare · 10/01/2026 09:15

Spoodles · 10/01/2026 09:10

This women is not his crush. Saying things like this makes you sound like a silly jealous teenager. It's quite strange to read so many posts from people who think men can't possibly be friends with someone they have common interests with only those that have the same genitals.

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That's rude of you.

The tradition is 'best man'... he has several other male friends as OP describes it. He just happens to have chosen his most attractive female friend, who he knows his partner is slightly uncomfortable with.

OP, don't allow yourself to be gaslit into being a 'cool wife' or whatever. This is an unusual choice and if it's making you uncomfortable but he wants to go ahead with it, that says a lot about him.

Haveyouanyjam · 10/01/2026 09:15

I think this depends entirely on why you’re really uncomfortable here, rather than making excuses about how often they see each other.

If it is simply that she’s very good looking and you don’t want a gorgeous woman you don’t know well in your bridal party because you’re jealous, then that’s a bit unreasonable but also, it’s your wedding and people go bridezilla about all sorts, so be a diva about it if you wish.

If it’s that some part of you is worried that DH fancies her, then the issue is the marriage/the relationship not the wedding, and this is only bringing it to the surface.

However, if there is any part of you that is/was uncomfortable because you think that she actually fancies him, but you trust him so don’t usually object to the relationship then YANBU. I was in a relationship for years at uni and whilst initially I worried about my partner’s female friendships because I was 18 and insecure, once our relationship was more established and that wasn’t the case the only female friends I wasn’t keen on was the one that seemed to quite obviously fancy him, was cold to me and would take any chance to denigrate our relationship to him.

It doesn’t sound like she’s acted in anyway to give you that impression though.