DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

Dear Lord, from the thread title I thought your DH was demanding that his best man undergo gender reassignment. Which would have been VVVVVU.

Really? What a start to a marriage if the bride feels she has to resort to upsetting the groom on their wedding day.

It's bad enough the groom is prepared to trample all over his brides feelings by his insistence on prioritisng his friendship over her without her forfeiting her self respect by trying to make him jealous.

I think you need to work on your insecurities before getting married. Doesn't sound like she or your partner have done anything wrong and he arguments are just your insecurities around a woman you consider more attractive.

I've had male best friends. My partner has had female best friends. It is what it is, because we trust each other.

I don't know why you're marrying him then. Either it's a practical decision in which case why even have a fussy wedding with best man at all or just accept his choice as it's his day, too. If it's not for practical reasons then why even be marrying him when this person is still important to him.

Even if she isn't best woman at your wedding you've still got the problem of she will be in your life one way or another.

Twos a couple threes a crowd.

As a very shallow aside…what will she wear? Will there be photos of just the two of them before the ceremony? Will she be at the top table?

I wouldn’t like it but if she’s is his closest friend then I can see why he would like her to do that role.

Respectfully. I don't think your issue is that you don't know her. If he invited the man from his uni group you wouldn't protest that even though you don't know him either. And given how you feel about her it's hardly surprising that nobody is too keen for you to meet more frequently.
I'm afraid you are letting your insecurities dictate your feelings. And you don't trust the man you are about to marry. So why go ahead with the marriage?

My “bridesmaid” was male (and a model, very good looking). My husband’s best man was female. Still married 18 years later.
However, if you have issues with this, not getting married might be the better option for him. you either trust each other, or not. i wouldn’t want to get married to someone who micromanages ne and obviously doesn’t trust me at all!

In RL it is comparatively rare for a heterosexual male to have a best friend who is a female. You will always have posters who blame your insecurity but our gut instincts are usually right.

However for me what is wrong with your situation is they are not really best friends and you barely know her, along with the closeness that he feels towards her compared to friends he has known for years.

Why would he want a person who had been the subject of arguments to be best man at your wedding? There is no way my DH would choose anything or anyone that would make me feel uncomfortable, especially at something as important as our wedding day. He respects my judgement and my emotions and I am his priority.

You are already blaming yourself for the past, doubting yourself and trying to change how you feel. Don't do this, be open and honest, compromise in a marriage works both ways, it is mutual, not one sided.

These points are worth considering:

• Is she the type to want to upstage you?
• A best person's speech is about the groom and your relationship and future together - will her speech focus on their friendship because without her being close to you, what the hell can she say about you as a couple?
• What if she barely mentions you in her speech?
• What coping strategies do you have if her speech is gushing over him (and how he responds to that is crucial)?
• Do they have in-jokes?
• Your wedding guests might well be very observant of their 'friendship' - how will you handle that?

I think you need to have an honest, very frank discussion with him. If he insists on her involvement after knowing how you feel about him assigning this important role to her, it might be that he wants to keep her close for a reason - hiding in plain sight.

If he still insists, explain how it will come across and ask if he seriously wants to do that to you on your wedding day in front of everyone.

Massive red flag if she already was the cause of arguments between you and he DIDNt stop being friends with her! That her friendship means more to him than his relationship with you? Until he sorted that shit out there would be no wedding!

it’s an odd choice just like it would be to choose a male who hasn’t spent time getting to know you and an individual and you as a couple .
I agree with the poster who commented that a speech would be purely about DH and their friendship/ history together.

He could delay his choice and make sure this friend becomes a friend to both of you? Or choose someone who knows you both or have no best man .

No, not really. It wasn’t a serious suggestion.

I was at a wedding this summer where the groom had TWO best women! They did a great job, there was no drama whatsoever. I'm getting married this year and I have a best man (would feel weird calling him a bridesman?!) and DP has a best woman. It's perfectly normal for men and women to be close friends.

I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends

On that note, this is the red flag.

At least, it would be for me - I would have (and did) dump men who thought like that because no matter their other qualities, I knew they'd always be weird about my male friends, either pre-existing ones or new ones. I don't want jealousy and insecurity or retrograde gender ideas in my life.

You're obviously not on the same page as your partner about male-female friendships and regardless of which side you fall, that is a fairly significant incompatibility - even if this woman isn't his best man, she's still going to be his friend in the future. She's not going anywhere and nor should she.

Tbh from your description of the friendship, it sounds like the real issue is your insecurity, from how you flag how attractive she is. If your partner had the exact same dynamic with her, but you perceived her as a nerdy plain Jane type, be honest - would that be an issue for you in the same way?

I honestly find women whose hackles go up around women they perceive as attractive to be exhausting, and I think it's a kind of internalised misogyny.

Sounds like he needs to choose between her and you. DH's best man was someone he went to school with and I'd known for five years. We would all socialise along with his partner who had also known DH for the same amount of time. It wouldn't have mattered if it was the female partner DH chose instead. For me, this is not per se to do with her sex but that he always meets her alone and you don't socialise together in spite of her apparently being a good friend, which makes it sound more like an ex or affair.

⬆️ ⬆️⬆️

says it all!

I personally think that it would be really unlikely that he would consider asking her to be best man at his wedding if he had any sort of romantic feelings for her. If I had a friend who I fancied enough that I’d consider cheating with them, I definitely wouldn’t invite them to come and support me to marry someone else!

If your issue is that you don’t know her well, why don’t you suggest that dp invites her over a bit more so that you can get to know her better?

I would personally expect this as DP and I socialise with each other's friends a lot but many couples really don't mix their friendship groups at all. (Which I find a bit weird but that's another matter!)

If you don’t trust him, why are you marrying him?

This, feel sorry for him, seems you’re a “reverse snob” I think she also drew out a lot of my own insecurities which I have worked on since, but things like being super cultured, well read used to make really anxious as I'm from a working class background.
but not too insecure to be with him. You’re ok with him being friends with your friends partners though, have you shut down his other friendships because of your issues?

If his choice bothers you, that should be the end of it.
No arguments, no fussing, no questions.

Tell me, @Elliens — does he have a dad and do you have a mum?
When we got married, that’s who we chose - we lived in California and my soon to be husband felt guilty asking his not-wealthy parents to fly from their home in New York all the way across the country to see us get married.
So we cooked up a scheme where I asked my mum to be my matron of honour and he asked his dad to be his best man.
And it turned out to be truly meaningful and lovely.
Just a thought. ❤️

I don’t think it matters that she is a woman , ultimately the OP doesn’t want this virtual stranger as part of her wedding, so her future husband shouldn’t want to force the issue.

Your wedding day should be a happy memory, and if this woman is part of it then there is always going to be a cloud over the memories of the day.

For whats its worth, I agree with previous posters that completely platonic mixed friendships tend to be the exception rather than the rule , and that she should trust her instincts.

She didn't cause the arguments you did.

You don't trust him and because of that you're trying to control who he's friends with. It's not really a great basis for a marriage

If she can veto who he has support him, can he veto who she chooses?

Eek I wouldn’t like this either - it’s a bit ‘My best friend’s wedding’ vibes. Sounds like he’s made his mind up though!