DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

Was she the cause or was your jealousy of her being attractive the cause? Ultimately I think it his choice but it would be sad if that made you uncomfortable on your wedding day. From your opening post though it seems to be about your insecurities.

My husband had a women as his best women at our wedding. Nothing weird about it at all and many years later he returned the favour at her wedding.

The posters encouraging you to control his friendships are likely to be just as insecure as you. The problem here is your insecurities, he's done nothing wrong.

Truthfully you need to work on yourself before you agree to marriage. If you don't have any trust in him then you should probably end the relationship because he will inevitably do something else you don't approve of down the line and you'll cause more arguments.

I think you should be completely honest with DP about how you feel and he really should respect your wishes. I wouldn’t be happy either. From another perspective, it may be old fashioned, or even narcissistic, but the attention on the day should be on the couple (or the couple and their children) and this would place all the attention firmly on her, as it would be so novel. Do either you or DH to be want everyone to be focusing on her, rather than you?

@Elliens - as often happens, the summary of your post is a bit misleading. It sounds like it’s not so much that it’s a woman but that it’s this woman. I have a number of good male friends and DH has a number of good female friends. But i would be a bit unhappy if my DH was saying there’s no-one else he feels as close to as a very attractive, interesting and intelligent woman whom he’s only known for a few years. You’re allowed to be bothered by that without being at fault for lacking trust.

You could put your foot down and tell your DP you don't want this friend to be his "best man" but will that really solve the problem? If she's a good enough friend for him to be considering this, he's obviously going to want her at the wedding. So she'll still be there on your big day looking "incredibly attractive", and you'll still feel jealous and insecure. Are you going to ban him from inviting her to make yourself feel better? What if he wants to include her in his stag do, will that be allowed, or would you feel uncomfortable with that too? Even if you ban this woman from having anything to do with any part of your wedding, she's not necessarily going to disappear from his life once you're married.
My point is, whether this person has a role in your wedding isn't really the issue here. The problem is that you don't trust the man you're about to marry.

You shouldn’t be getting married as your insecurity is being put above his friendship.

you didn’t like th texting despite it being about the course and mutual friends so you obviously checked the messages and made a big fuss over it.

you sound controlling and like you have low self esteem.

if he can’t choose his own friends and best man/woman without your input you shouldn’t be getting married. You should be glad he had friends irrelevant of gender.

Oh don’t be ridiculous! Of course all the attention would not go on the novelty! Have you ever even been to a wedding with a female best man? I have. Other than the passing thought of ‘oh look it’s a female best man’ what other attention do you think it grabs? The female best man at the wedding I was at was great and she was a good performer for the speech and her speech was funny. But that was based on her writing and delivering a good speech. The only other effect was it made me warm even more towards the groom knowing his best mate was a woman!

The issue here is entirely OPs. And unless ahe deals with her insecurity, she’s going to have real problems in her marriage. Because guess what, men like hers who get on well with women, continue to make female friends throughout their life. I have a good male friend who always had female friends and he’s done just that. It’s not an issue with his wife as she is very secure in herself and their relationship.

It looks like OP has some serious thinking to do about herself and what she can cope with and whether she can manage her own insecurities.

It’s fine for him to pick a woman as his best man.
But you’re not happy and it sounds like your relationship isn’t in a good place. Should you be getting married at all?

From what I am reading here, she hasn't caused anything, hasn't done anything to raise concerns, just looks fabulous. It is all about you and how you see her and how little you trust the man you are planning to marry. That is a huge red flag for anyone going into marriage. Why not be honest - tell your DP you don't trust him, call the wedding off, move out and try and find an amicable way to coparent.

You've said he has no male relatives and not many friends. Who would you suggest he asks? Are there male friends he spends more time with? My DH had a female best man. Wasn't an issue.

Perfectly fine. Super worrying that you would try and control him. Id advise him not to marry you as you seem like you have the tendency to become abusive. Get some therapy and postponw the wedding until you are in a place to be a healthy partner.

God yes! Weirdly this post reminded me of that thread!!!!

I would not like this at all it wpuld be different if she was warm and friends with you both etc. ....She's not...she is his friend.

Its going to cause a lot of tension either way which is not a good sign for the marriage tbh....

@Elliens I would just gave no bridesmaid and no groomsmen. It costs loads extra to have them and You have a baby.

Spend your money where it matters...

Totally agree. You think he thinks so little of you that he will give a woman he fancies/is having an affair with a key role at your wedding? Even if you’re wrong, I don’t see how you can really come back from that tbh. You don’t trust him.

Your insecurity within yourself and in the relationship is the problem here, not the prospect of a best woman at your wedding.

My DH had a best woman because his best man was ill and unable to do it, and he didn’t want to replace him with another male friend. She and I didn’t know each other that well when the wedding planning started but we were friends by the day and now I love her to bits. The difference is that I knew our relationship was solid and being the amazing woman she is, she went out of her way to befriend and support me too.

Sorry if it upsets the super modern people on here but not a chance I'd be having that. Recipe for disaster.

Is she the type to do a "super funny" speech that's full of in-jokes between the two of them where you're secretly the punch line?

Yeah I remember this thread. I do believe when a straight man has a close friendship with a woman it is often (not always) the case that he is attracted to her and under different circumstances would get together with her. I would not be happy but it runs deeper than just the wedding. Even if she isn't best 'man' she still exists as does the friendship. I would also think carefully before getting married. If it isn't a silly question why are you getting married?

A best man/woman is to support the groom and it’s his choice, not yours. YABU.

People can have a best (or very close) friend of the opposite sex - their wife or husband.

If she wasn't the Best Woman, would she be invited anyway? I think your feelings are valid. He's not putting you first, which is a red flag for a relationship. I think I would pause the wedding planning until you can be sure you're right for each other.

It's your day too and he should be more sensitive to your feelings knowing that his behaviour with her has upset you in the past. The shining star at the top table at a wedding should be the bride. Oversensitive or not, it will affect your day to have a beautiful woman, no doubt done up to the nines, at your table, never mind making a key speech. Very big fat no from me.

From OP's responses, it seems neither the DP, nor the friend, have ever done anything wrong, nor that this has ever been more than a platonic friendship.

The arguments in the relationship appeared, by her own account, to be caused by her insecurities comparing herself to this woman, and her (IMO odd and unjustified, though I know shared by many here) opinion that men and women can't really be friends.

So yes, YABU. There is nothing here (by your own account as written) which has actually been disrespectful to you outside of your own emotional projection, so trying to dictate who your DP can have as best man, instead of managing your own emotions appropriately, is unreasonable and beginning to shade into controlling. If you don't trust him, don't marry him. But either way consider working on your own insecurities, because they're yours to manage, not something to push onto other people.

I just asked DP and he said the only weird thing would be me wanting a squad of bridesmaids/bridesmen at all. I'm not going to be having bridesmaids at all - I'm essentially just having a best man. I do have enough male friends that I could get a squad of them in matching suits to attend me and I think it'd be a hoot (but also too much of a faff to organise).

Not everything has to be in line with rigid gender norms.

She’s not putting him or his feelings first either though. His feelings are valid too, especially when it’s about the person who is supposed to be there to support him, not her.

This doesn’t sound like a relationship that is destined for a long and fulfilling marriage, but the OPs feelings are no more important than her partner’s.

Would you object if the beautiful woman was the groom's sister? Would you vet your bridesmaids to ensure they're not as pretty as you?

This is exactly what I mean when I say that women whose hackles go up when they perceive another woman to be attractive are EXHAUSTING.

I love my beautiful female friends, I love DP's beautiful female friends, and the concept that we would be upstaging each other by our mere existence is batshit.

OP, if you trust this man, respect his choices. If you don't trust him, then don't marry him.