Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

I would be gutted too. Let them drop in say nothing about it. I’d be very disappointed in him.

She is your daughter. Why not give her a call and tell her you’re happy to meet half way or drive over to that side as you’d like to see her a bit more before she leaves.

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but she won’t know unless you tell her.

have you or her dad ever been over to visit?

@abitgutted , I would have cried; I really feel for you they are being actively unkind.
When they pop in could you just tell them that you’d like to spend some quality time with them and ask when that could be arranged?
I might be a terrible mother but if either of my sons behaved in this way I would have to tell them as calmly as possible that I was hurt by the situation.
Wishing you luck and sending a hug. 💐

I've told her we want to see them. I sent our shift patterns across, so they knew when we were available.

Me and DH have visited them in NZ. The Dad's have not.

I've made it really clear that we want to spend quality time with them. She always says they have other plans. DH won't even be here in the morning, as he is working.

How far away from you is the Dad's house?

I think that’s really disgusting of them tbh. Unless there’s a backstory of you not getting on I’d be asking them why you’re such an afterthought? She’s an adult she should be able to explain herself.

Normally I'd be on your DDs side, I'm not keen on duty visits but 1 day out of 28 is really inconsiderate.
I wouldn't say anything if they come tomorrow but perhaps talk about it when you're not as upset.

30 minutes in a car. Longer by bus/train. But I've made it clear that we can collect them and drop them back. Both me and DH have cars.

What is the dynamic like when you go to NZ to visit them?

If you are in their hair constantly for three weeks or whatever, expecting to be waited on/chaffeured/guided around, then maybe they are trying to tell you something?

I'd be bereft! That's absolutely gutting OP. Heartbreakign you wanted her to have some cosy nights at home.

Not sure what more you can do though - how old is she? Young people can be selfish without at all meaning to be - did they choose the other space because of closeness to friends perhaps?

I would invite them round for dinner. If they don’t show up then just leave them to it. Don’t visit again. Don’t get their favourites in again.

one coffee in a month plus boxing day is a bit on the strange side, is it worth just being really honest in person and saying I really wanted more of you!

Why can't you be honest, she's your daughter?

Maybe if you have already visited and spent some time with them they feel they owe her Dad and his family some time too?

You say the dad lives near their friends which suggests you may not live near the rest of them. How far are you from them and do they have access to a car? I know it was pretty annoying when we travelled over 7000 miles to family and didn't have access to a car when people expected us to travel another 2 hours to see them. Have you offered to go over to near where they are staying to go out for a meal.

I can understand the disappointment but have you tried to make their stay easier or is what you are expecting placing unnecessary stress on them logistically?

It is odd. And therefore I expect there’s a reason. If you don’t know what the reason is, and you aren’t willing to ask, there’s very little anyone on here can tell you.

For example, coming when your DH is not there is interesting. How is their relationship? Is he a good partner? Was he a good stepdad? That’s an obvious place to start.

I agree that this is very odd. In these circumstances, my mum would have laid it out very clearly and asked what the problem was “You live in NZ, you have been here for 28 days and in that time I have seen you properly for 24 hours. I will not see you again for two years. Your actions are telling me that you don’t want to spend time with me. Why is that?”

Is there some back story around your DD not getting on with your DH?

No back story. No fallings out.

I wonder if she is taking for granted that you visit so she gets to see you then and is using this time to see people who don’t visit her. Regardless, YANBU.

Think you'll have to pull up your pants and ask her. Tough though it may be.

It doesn't need to be confrontational.

It maybe she has so many friends all demanding to see her (and his friends as well) she is not prioritising family and just meeting up with whoever is shouting loudest.

Next time (whenever that may be) commit to dates before she travels!

We stayed in a hotel nearby for 5 nights. They were working, but we went out for meals at night time. We then left and went somewhere else.

so i would tell her. She is your daughter not a complete stranger.
And then match her energy.

They are 29. Yes, the DH's Dad lives near to all their friends, so I absolutely expected they would stay at his much more. I just didn't think we would only get one night!

I would have to tell her how upset I am to have seen so little of her ... why would you not?