Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

Why shouldn’t you tell them how you feel?

I would be terribly disappointed too. You aren't being unreasonable to feel upset.

She always says "we've got plans on that day" or "I can't commit as I have loose plans with friends" or "we are busy seeing people" or "we could come that day for lunch, but can't stay as we are seeing other people the next day".

So when she said "we could come for lunch" - what did you say? It seems odd that she's offered that as a suggestion but you still haven't seen her.

I grew up being the one doing all the "duty visits" back home as my parents moved overseas before I was born and it was never much of a holiday - lots of travelling, trying to fit everyone in and actually having some time to ourselves - it wasn't easy.

Not gonna lie, that's shocking. I hope they read this thread and feel ashamed of themselves.

Wow, I'm really sorry @abitgutted you must be so hurt. 😢

I think you should tell them how you feel too.

It's bad enough that they have left to live on the other side of the planet, and you hardly ever see her as it is... But coming for a month, and seeing you - her mum! - for only one day of that whole month really stinks.

.

Perhaps you do need to grab the crumbs that have been offered - "Lunch sounds great. Stay overnight and we'll take you back in the morning, as early as you want."

When was the last time you saw them before this visit?

I find it bizarre that she's come over for a month and will only have seen her mum once for an evening! If you all have a really good relationship then this is very, very odd behaviour...

(edited to add, I'm not saying you're not telling the truth, just that I don't get it!)

Very frightened of making a drama out of it. Then they leave and I would feel awful. I'm trying to be bright and breezy, and not put them under any pressure. Also, I'm acutely aware, that if they had wanted to see us, they would have. It really is that simple. Me having a go at them doesn't change that. It's a hard pill to swallow. I can't understand it either. We are generous, we make great meals, the house is clean, we provide ample food, alcohol and snacks. I'm at a loss.....

Why should you feel when they’re the ones that treated you like shit?

I did say exactly that, and she said that they would need to leave after lunch, as they had plans the next day with others.

That is thoughtless and a bit shit . I understand not wanting to bring it to their attention as you don't want reluctant visitors . Shouldn't have to tell your own daughter that you'd like to spend time with them . Younger people can be so self involved and unthinking . Try not to take it personally. I know when I was young and in my twenties I used to just think about going out with my friends drinking despite my mother telling me that aunts, family would like to see me. Feel very ashamed now.

Our visit to NZ was about 14 months ago. I don't get it either!! I'm totally gutted.

It’s a tricky one. It would be good to let your daughter know you are a bit hurt that you have seen so little of her, but equally you don’t want to spoil your precious time with her complaining. I would be inclined not to bring the subject up myself, but if she makes any comment like “sorry not to see you more” or “sorry to miss dad” I would maybe point out that was her choice not to prioritise seeing you vs seeing others and you were a disappointed in that.
And I certainly wouldn’t be rushing over to NZ in the near future. But then maybe I’m just being a bit petty!😄

I would be quietly gutted too. Perhaps she sees you as reliable and more of a constant than her Dad. That you are the one likely to visit her so less need to put the work in - young persons logic I guess. If there hasn't been a fall out and she isn't flighty, have a word with her. Seems slightly unfair and I'm entirely opposed to being duty bound to visit but NZ is a long way away. Good luck

That's what I'm thinking that she doesn't like being around the DH

Why won't you make it clear you want to see her and will fit around her plans and travel to her?

Okay, so I'm not sure why you didn't invite her anyway? Surely lunch is better than nothing?

In all honesty, I would bring her back and tell her he forgot you had plans so you won’t be able to see her. I couldn’t be arsed with that. I know it’s biting off your nose to spite your face, but I just couldn’t be second-best to my own daughter.
and I’d also tell her how I felt on the same phone call

That would make me really sad too @abitgutted .
I’m not sure if I would say anything (because I’m a fool).

But you wouldn't be 'having a go at her'. You'd be calmly just sharing that you feel sad that you didn't have much time with her this visit. It's ok to tell her how you feel if you do it in an adult to adult way.

There could be any number of reasons why they didn't spend more time with you, and many on this thread have speculated on them. What I would add, though, is that it doesn't seem healthy for you to cover up your feelings and just act bright and breezy. How is that going to help? You don't have to guilt trip them, you don't have to make them feel awkward. Why can't you just tell them - 'oh shame! We were really hoping to spend a bit more time with you!'

Is there an issue with your husband maybe? I notice you always say we and not I?

You sent both of your shift patterns and she has picked a time that your husband is out.

there has to be a reason for this - she is clearly avoiding you. Why not ring her and ask? But be prepared to hear the answer. It might just be that she doesn’t care for your husband? My aunt remarried a very very irritating man. It has impacted the whole family dynamic, but everyone is polite about it. They just keep visits short. Not at all saying your husband is irritating 😊, but just as an example.

It's obviously very disappointing for you and nothing will change that now given what you want is to spend some quality time with her before she leaves.

If it is of any consolation, I wouldn't actually "read anything into it." This is exactly how I've seen pretty much every young-ish adult who lives abroad (with no kids) behave between 20-40ish - until they have children and realise the benefit & importance of "seeing the grandparents". They almost universally prioritise friends & events with them (weddings, for example) over any family arrangements / milestone birthdays etc. It sounds like spending vastly more time at her fathers aligns with those priorities as it enables them to socialise.

I can't see the harm in gently pointing out you are disappointed you haven't had the opportunity to see them properly. It doesn't need to be a big guilt trip, but I would almost guarantee they haven't thought about it in that way. They might make a bit more effort to fit you in to their schedule next time.

HNRTFT but for context my son is in Australia and coming home for a few weeks in the summer I would be absolutely gutted when he comes over if we only see him for a couple of days.
I do understand that your daughter has lots of catching up to do with other family and friends but surely she could have found more time to see you! .I really understand how upset you are feeling and that you don’t want to rock the boat before she leaves. 💐

Oh op this is awful. 28 days and you've seen her once? I'd be gutted and really annoyed too but understand there is no point saying anything as you don't want any bad feeling.

All you can do is when they next visit share your expectations well in advance and say you would like to spend time with her this time .

The trouble is I can’t help feeling if you say nothing now, it’s going to boil over when you’re apart again which could actually be worse.

I feel for you very much. I have rather made my own bed with ds - I desperately needed him to be independent and able to take care of himself when he was probably too young, and as a result he absolutely is, and we also don’t have as close a relationship as I would like. I can very easily see him doing this. But tbf to him, he would keep me informed and ‘book me in’ beforehand so I would have known the score before he got here.

I think a clear statement that you are really sad to have seen so little of dd is perfectly reasonable.