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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

385 replies

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 15:54

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

OP posts:
5128gap · 08/01/2026 17:35

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:34

I have suggested several dates that we are free to have them over. She always says "we've got plans on that day" or "I can't commit as I have loose plans with friends" or "we are busy seeing people" or "we could come that day for lunch, but can't stay as we are seeing other people the next day".

It feels like we would only ever be a back up plan, never the main event.

To be honest, if they wanted to see us, they would have, wouldn't they? It really is that simple. A quick coffee tomorrow morning, does not feel anything like the quality time I had wished for. I would have been happy with just a couple of nights having a nice meal, playing games, chatting etc.

I'm inclined to agree with you OP. On this visit, at this time your DD didn't want to see you enough to make more time for you. Why that is, could be anything from taking you for granted because you're 'just mum' to (sorry!) not finding your company as interesting as other people at this time in her life, to feeling pressure from other people and less from you, so going with the easy option.
If it were me, I'd mention I was disappointed, because there's no point pretending to be fine, but I'd not press for visits. Maybe it's my pride, but my stance with everyone, my DC included, is if you don't want to see me off your own bat, I don't want a duty visit where you're chomping at the bit to get away.
If its any comfort, relationships wax and wane, even with those we love most. And a not great connection right now, doesn't mean it will always be the way.

HollyhockDays · 08/01/2026 17:39

Zov · 08/01/2026 17:21

@HollyhockDays

I actually really feel for friends if you move away because when they do come back, they’re absolutely pulled from pillar to post trying to see friends and family and fit it all in.

But this is her mum. Her MUM. Apart from your partner/spouse and child(ren) your mum should be the most important and special person in the world to you.

Not someone who is 15th in line to visit on a one month trip from New Zealand to the UK, and who gets sparse crumbs, and barely 24 hours out of the whole visit.

Should be. Maybe.
But not always.

Like I said I’ve seen friends home from abroad trying to fit two years socialising into two weeks. Seeing new babies, meeting new partners. Friends can be a really significant part of people’s lives as well.

andIsaid · 08/01/2026 17:39

If you say - "I am so sad I did not get to spend time with you" you are not having a go.

andIsaid · 08/01/2026 17:40

Posted too soon!

But if you say "you did not spend any time with me" its could be taken as having a go...

waterrat · 08/01/2026 17:40

Sounds like she has just overbooked her calendar and needed more than a month to fit it all in

whistlesandbells · 08/01/2026 17:42

I could have started this thread. Same thing happened to us over the holiday. It is selfishness - it was made clear to us that Xmas is for them and about them. The ‘children’ are early and late twenties. YANBU to be upset, so were we.

ldnmusic87 · 08/01/2026 17:43

You need to raise this with her

tachetastic · 08/01/2026 17:43

@abitgutted : The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Why obviously? I absolutely would say something. Be honest and say you're her mum and you would like to either have lunch or an evening with her before she goes home, and you're totally flexible when that is. If she says she is busy, just say very clearly that it is important to you. Don't make a fuss or burst into tears or make any ultimatums, but make it absolutely clear that while she may brush this off as unimportant, it is important to her mum. Whatever you do do NOT say "never mind", "it doesn't matter" or "it's not important".

I know she has plans but unless she is über popular I suspect that she is seeing the same friends multiple times, which is fine, but she should spend one lunch or dinner with you. You can't and shouldn't force her, but she needs to totally understand that this is a big deal to you.

But if you don't say it, she won't know.

And say it tonight, because every day her going home gets closer and it will get genuinely harder for her to change plans at short notice.

aWeeCornishPastie · 08/01/2026 17:44

I agree with @HarvestMouseandGoldenCups

Themouserandown · 08/01/2026 17:45

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:51

Very frightened of making a drama out of it. Then they leave and I would feel awful. I'm trying to be bright and breezy, and not put them under any pressure. Also, I'm acutely aware, that if they had wanted to see us, they would have. It really is that simple. Me having a go at them doesn't change that. It's a hard pill to swallow. I can't understand it either. We are generous, we make great meals, the house is clean, we provide ample food, alcohol and snacks. I'm at a loss.....

Show quote history

How about not having a go, no drama, just a loving gentle chat. Your breeziness may be coming across that you aren’t that bothered and for all you know she might be hurt by that. I think there’s room here for an honest conversation. IMO you are well within your right to feel hurt. I think it’s worth’s checking if there’s anything that’s underneath her lack of seeing you both and that you are all ears if there’s anything she wants to share. If not it’s pretty thoughtless behaviour on her part. She’s an adult, there’s no harm in gently enquiring and sharing x

Pennyfan · 08/01/2026 17:46

If it were me, I’d have a conversation with her. Not to make it into a drama but to let her know that you were looking forward to seeing her and that you’re disappointed. I’d tell her that I understand she’s close to friends and it’s exciting coming back and catching up with everyone-but that I’m upset that she has taken me for granted a bit and that I would have loved to spend some proper quality time together-and to have made proper plans like she’s made with everyone else. I’d ask her that next time, could you have some definite plans, not just someone to see if they are at a loose end. I would be very upset if I were you tbh.

My son is married to someone from overseas. When they go back to her-far away-country, they spend a lot of time with her family. Yes, she sees friends and they do things as a couple, but her parents would see it as disrespectful on her annual visit not to have decent involvement. Yes it’s a different culture but whatever the culture, it’s not on to beg for crumbs.

Notfortheloveofit · 08/01/2026 17:46

minipie · 08/01/2026 17:32

I think the most likely explanation is simply that she takes you for granted.

For many people in their 20s their job and friends are the priority in terms of time spent. Their parents are people who’ve always been there and always will. Much loved, but not front of mind. It’s as they get older that they start empathising with and valuing their parents more.

Before anyone shouts I know not all 20 somethings are like this. But many are.

I think you need to be more direct and say I was expecting to see you for at least 2-3 nights out of 28. I’m sad that hasn’t happened.

I think this is it. I was certainly like that and feel a bit awful looking back. I love my mum to bits, but I was a bit crap at times.

PattiPatty · 08/01/2026 17:46

What was it like before they went abroad?
I think most 20 somethings are a bit self absorbed and live busy lives but there's a big variation in how much contact they have with home. Did they visit often before? Spend more than one night at Christmas?

Zanatdy · 08/01/2026 17:46

I’d be hugely disappointed that they only spent so little time with me given she was here for a month.

FlyHighLikeABird · 08/01/2026 17:48

I think that some of these strategies like stating how you feel or expressing 'you should do this, you should do that' work if you are down the road, can have a bit of tension or a row and then get over it next week, but I would be more cautious when you aren't going to see them in person for months or years.

Also, I think once 'shoulds' come in, basically they are appeasing you, not looking forward to seeing you. So, I wouldn't personally say 'should' or 'we expect' or anything like that.

People make choices, theirs have offended you, fine to be offended, don't guilt or shame them unless you want them to avoid you more.

Letsswitchitup · 08/01/2026 17:48

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 15:54

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

I’m very sorry to hear this and very surprised that your DD would think this is okay.

How was your relationship with DD before she moved to NZ? Was it strained and she’s not forgiven you completely perhaps?

momtoboys · 08/01/2026 17:49

I would be very disappointed. Unfortunately our children's idea of a visit/holiday are not the same as ours. I think you have to see them tomorrow and tamper your expectations for the next visit. I'm sorry you are sad.

ScribblingPixie · 08/01/2026 17:50

They have seen you more recently than their fathers and friends - is it as simple as that? They're balancing it in their heads?

Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 08/01/2026 17:50

I live in a different country to where I'm from though just a short flight away so we do a few short trips a year. The trips are always so stressful with so much money and time spent on transport between people and I always feel pulled in every direction and yhat letting everyone down and pleasing no one. At the same time these trips are in place of regular holidays so I also want some time with just my husband and child.
I do try to see the people that come to see me here as I so appreciate the effort. We usually do a family day at my mums where all my siblings come with their families so we get to see them all as otherwise it would be hard.

I get why you're hurt but if you feel she's a good person I'd come qt it from the view that it's maybe some tough decisions and they may have prioritised those that haven't visited them (not that that's fair but it could be a reason) and I'd ask her

Snaletrale · 08/01/2026 17:51

I think I’d be tempted to get dh to say something, supposedly off his own initiative. Something along the lines of “your mother is really upset. Would it be possible to spend a bit more time with her before you go back” and if the answer is still no, then he could ask a few more probing questions.

herefortheclicks · 08/01/2026 17:53

Is she semi non contact with you

LittlePetitePsychopath · 08/01/2026 17:55

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:34

I have suggested several dates that we are free to have them over. She always says "we've got plans on that day" or "I can't commit as I have loose plans with friends" or "we are busy seeing people" or "we could come that day for lunch, but can't stay as we are seeing other people the next day".

It feels like we would only ever be a back up plan, never the main event.

To be honest, if they wanted to see us, they would have, wouldn't they? It really is that simple. A quick coffee tomorrow morning, does not feel anything like the quality time I had wished for. I would have been happy with just a couple of nights having a nice meal, playing games, chatting etc.

This is true. Whatever veneer people want to put on it, they’d have seen you if they wanted to.

The way she is with you is remarkably similar to how DH is with his mum, he will organise one thing, and that’s it. If they invite us to other things, he’ll say we can’t commit yet or have other plans. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but he also doesn’t enjoy seeing them. There’s a backstory with them, and they live 45 minutes away, so in your case given you’ve said no back story, it’s quite possibly that they’d just rather see more of friends and think you’ll travel to see them again or you communicate enough that you’re already up to speed; but it doesn’t really matter… if they wanted to prioritise seeing you, for anything, they would have done.

MeridianB · 08/01/2026 17:56

YADNBU. It's so weird. If you really feel you can't ask her why she has barely seen you then it will remain a mystery and possibly happen again.

ElaineBurdock · 08/01/2026 17:56

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:21

We stayed in a hotel nearby for 5 nights. They were working, but we went out for meals at night time. We then left and went somewhere else.

Show quote history

I live in the U.S and when my parents used to visit from England, for a month each time, they'd spend their entire time with us. I'd be flabbergasted if they stayed in a hotel nearby for 5 nights and then went somewhere else in the U.S.
We had so many adventures together with them for that month they were here.

LittlePetitePsychopath · 08/01/2026 17:56

Snaletrale · 08/01/2026 17:51

I think I’d be tempted to get dh to say something, supposedly off his own initiative. Something along the lines of “your mother is really upset. Would it be possible to spend a bit more time with her before you go back” and if the answer is still no, then he could ask a few more probing questions.

I really wouldn’t do this. DH gets it from his Dad. It’s bizarre. His mum is capable of talking. It feels disingenuous. It doesn’t change what he says anyway, he just repeats wherever excuse he was using.

Plus who wants to force someone to spend time with them.