Page 15 | Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

abitgutted · 2026-01-08T15:54:58+00:00

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet. It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends). It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans. By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total). To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't! Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

ScaredOfFlying · 09/01/2026 10:08

BellesAndGraces · 08/01/2026 16:17

I agree that this is very odd. In these circumstances, my mum would have laid it out very clearly and asked what the problem was “You live in NZ, you have been here for 28 days and in that time I have seen you properly for 24 hours. I will not see you again for two years. Your actions are telling me that you don’t want to spend time with me. Why is that?”

Edited

Absolutely this. And you need to have that conversation face to face, before they leave the UK. Her behaviour is awful and she needs to know you are upset.

ScaredOfFlying · 09/01/2026 10:11

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 09:36

I reread your OP and realised that your daughter has already had an overnight stay with you on boxing day so this will be her second visit to see you. I do think you are expecting too much. You have already exchanged news and seen each other. It’s understandable that you would like to see more of her but it is also understandable that with 2 lots of separated parents and lots of friends and relatives they have a lot to fit in

It’s her Mum not an old school friend! And I say this as someone who had a very arm’s length relationship with my Mum, lived at opposite ends of the country and for a few years in different continents and only spoke on the phone every 2 or 3 weeks. But I would never have come all that way and then not spent even one evening with her.

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 10:24

I find it bizarre that people are just taking what OP says at face value and therefore blaming the daughter. Nobody can ever know what is going on within someone else’s relationship, and OP has only one side.

It seems to me that there’s something going on underneath all of this that isn’t being spoken about. OP is well within her rights to be upset and to want to see her daughter more, and bring this to her for discussion. But is she also willing to potentially hear a truth (from her daughter’s pov) that she may not like, and be willing to work towards a resolution?

My mother projects to the world that we are close. She is completely deluded. I have also tried to have many conversations with her about how I feel and why. Every time she acts like the victim and that I’m a terrible person because my view of her isn’t sunshine and roses. I wanted to improve our relationship. In order to do that she has to be willing to listen, understand, take responsibility for herself, and actively participate in making it better. She hasn’t and she won’t. The result is we are low contact, and conversation is very surface level. There is much she doesn’t know about me. But if you listened to her talking about our relationship you would think we were close.

While I'm not suggesting OP’s situation is my situation, I am saying there are two sides to every story and the numbers aren’t adding up here. I too would like to hear what the daughter has to say.

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 10:28

ScaredOfFlying · 09/01/2026 10:08

Absolutely this. And you need to have that conversation face to face, before they leave the UK. Her behaviour is awful and she needs to know you are upset.

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The OPs actions are telling her that she only wants to see her daughter at her own house and that she only regards it as valuable time together if they stay over.

If the daughter had rejected her mothers offers to come to where she’s staying to have a day or even half a day just the two of them, then you’d have a point. But the only options for the daughter are to stay over with both her mum and step father, or not to see her at all. Maybe if OP was open to other options and didn’t seem so keen on her husband being there all the time, then her daughter would make more effort.

redskydelight · 09/01/2026 10:29

BellesAndGraces · 09/01/2026 09:22

Think it’s obvious there is a huge difference between not seeing a parent for 14 months because they’re horrible to you and the circumstances the OP and @Jupiterthecat describe which do not involve a terrible relationship.

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The circumstances OP describes (which are from her point of view so likely to be a glossy spin) do not indicate a close amazing relationship either.

She was excited for her daughter's visit so cleaned her room and got in her favourite snacks.
My daughter doesn't live with me either. When she comes to visit, we talk in advance about what she'd like to do with the time, we make fixed plans together, I take time off work, I appreciate that she will want to see other family and friends so am flexible about what our time together involves and when it is. I also clean her room and get in her favourite snacks, but I would consider that hardly worthy of mention.

Likewise when I visit her, I check when is convenient to visit, she reorganises her commitments to make herself free and we plan things to do together. We will talk about this for some time in advance.

If I am worried that our relationship seems "off" I talk to her about it.

In OP's case there seems to have been nothing like this.

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 10:53

She has spent an evening with her @ScaredOfFlying. The daughter and her husband arrived on the morning of Boxing Day and stayed overnight leaving the next morning so she has had nearly 24 hours with her mum. This is a second visit. It is less time than I would spend with my parents but they lived together. People are replying as though the Boxing Day visit never happened

echt · 09/01/2026 11:00

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 10:53

She has spent an evening with her @ScaredOfFlying. The daughter and her husband arrived on the morning of Boxing Day and stayed overnight leaving the next morning so she has had nearly 24 hours with her mum. This is a second visit. It is less time than I would spend with my parents but they lived together. People are replying as though the Boxing Day visit never happened

They arrived for Boxing Day lunch, not the morning of Boxing Day, and left "fairly early" the next morning.

Not 24 hours.

junglejunglebear · 09/01/2026 11:05

BellesAndGraces · 09/01/2026 09:22

Think it’s obvious there is a huge difference between not seeing a parent for 14 months because they’re horrible to you and the circumstances the OP and @Jupiterthecat describe which do not involve a terrible relationship.

Show quote history

But we've got no idea what their relationship is like. We don't know what the daughter thinks or feels and we've got a small amount of non specific info from the OP about buying drinks and playing games.

I am 100% certain that my mother would tell people we have a good relationship and she has no idea why I don't visit.

junglejunglebear · 09/01/2026 11:08

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 10:24

I find it bizarre that people are just taking what OP says at face value and therefore blaming the daughter. Nobody can ever know what is going on within someone else’s relationship, and OP has only one side.

It seems to me that there’s something going on underneath all of this that isn’t being spoken about. OP is well within her rights to be upset and to want to see her daughter more, and bring this to her for discussion. But is she also willing to potentially hear a truth (from her daughter’s pov) that she may not like, and be willing to work towards a resolution?

My mother projects to the world that we are close. She is completely deluded. I have also tried to have many conversations with her about how I feel and why. Every time she acts like the victim and that I’m a terrible person because my view of her isn’t sunshine and roses. I wanted to improve our relationship. In order to do that she has to be willing to listen, understand, take responsibility for herself, and actively participate in making it better. She hasn’t and she won’t. The result is we are low contact, and conversation is very surface level. There is much she doesn’t know about me. But if you listened to her talking about our relationship you would think we were close.

While I'm not suggesting OP’s situation is my situation, I am saying there are two sides to every story and the numbers aren’t adding up here. I too would like to hear what the daughter has to say.

We do know that the daughter moved to the other side of the world and managed less than 24 hours in her mother's company.

That doesn't suggest a great relationship.

Original poster

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

OP posts:

KateShugakIsALegend · 09/01/2026 11:12

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Well done @abitgutted

Sounds like it was just thoughtlessness.

saraclara · 09/01/2026 11:13

I'm really glad that you've been able to arrange some more dates with her, and that the conversation went well.

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:24

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Again, you’re all about your DH.

Unless your dd and her step father have developed a particularly close relationship, she is unlikely to be interested in his shifts and ability to take annual leave, and may find it quite irritating that you keep pushing that relationship.

Why would you only go out with your own daughter for her 30th if your DH can swop his shifts?

ScaredOfFlying · 09/01/2026 11:24

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 10:53

She has spent an evening with her @ScaredOfFlying. The daughter and her husband arrived on the morning of Boxing Day and stayed overnight leaving the next morning so she has had nearly 24 hours with her mum. This is a second visit. It is less time than I would spend with my parents but they lived together. People are replying as though the Boxing Day visit never happened

No, the OP said they came for lunch and that they stayed over. The implication was that they spent the evening elsewhere.

In any event glad to read your update OP, but they also sound young and thoughtless and I suspect that she takes you very much for granted. Does she not also want to spend time with her grandmother? Or is it maybe a bit awkward at your place with an elderly person there who needs constant care?

at the risk of sounding clichéd, her attitude to you may well change if they have kids of their own. My husband is significantly closer to his Mum since our son was born. Not because she does practical things- she lives too far away- but because our son gives them more in common and he has a new appreciation of her role in his life as a parent.

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 11:29

Silence from OP here regarding the relationship speaks volumes IMO. Crisis averted logistically, so all is well in the world.

Original poster

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:32

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:24

Again, you’re all about your DH.

Unless your dd and her step father have developed a particularly close relationship, she is unlikely to be interested in his shifts and ability to take annual leave, and may find it quite irritating that you keep pushing that relationship.

Why would you only go out with your own daughter for her 30th if your DH can swop his shifts?

Show quote history

Well, I guess I could go to NZ on my own, but I'd rather go as a couple. It would take up our whole travel budget for the year. It cost £10k last time.

OP posts:

saraclara · 09/01/2026 11:32

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 11:29

Silence from OP here regarding the relationship speaks volumes IMO. Crisis averted logistically, so all is well in the world.

No it doesn't.

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 11:45

Most people who have been married for 17 years would not go on an expensive long holiday without their husband. He isn’t a casual boyfriend. I agree he doesn’t need to be there for daytime chats at home though. I feel quite sorry for this couple who everyone wants a piece of though

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:53

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:32

Well, I guess I could go to NZ on my own, but I'd rather go as a couple. It would take up our whole travel budget for the year. It cost £10k last time.

Show quote history

That’s fair, I thought you meant ‘go out’ for a meal or something while she’s still here. Sorry.

I stand by my point though, you are making your husband more important than he is in this situation, even if he is a lovely person. He is your choice of companion, not your daughters, and you would probably find that she is willing to spend more time with you if it doesn’t always have to involve staying at your house and include your husband.

dottiedodah · 09/01/2026 12:23

abitgutted I understand you would prefer DH to come with you.However this is not always possible .My friend DS lives in Australia ,and she has had to visit on one or two occasions by herself .Similar issues DH cant get time off .She usually visits for 3 weeks or so and thats a long chunk of time to have off in one go

ktopfwcv · 09/01/2026 12:26

Bless you OP. Heartbreaking. 💔❤️

fodomoo · 09/01/2026 12:31

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Am glad you have cleared everything up with your daughter and you will get to see her a few more times before she goes back 😊
I absolutely do understand not staying at your daughters place in NZ .
I stayed in an apartment a 20 min tram ride from my son in Melbourne because he house shares and I actually wanted my own space as did my son.
I hope you enjoy spending more time now with your daughter .X

ScribblingPixie · 09/01/2026 13:56

Pleased for you, OP. Well done for approaching it in the right way.

paddleboardingmum · 09/01/2026 14:08

Glad it worked out OP but also you need to stop revolving everything around your dh where he's not dd's dad. Go and visit her on your own if needs be.

Bellyblueboy · 09/01/2026 14:21

I agree OP that it is fantastic you spoke to her - but what really jumps out at me is your obsession with your husband and his work patterns and availability. This is your daughter, not his. I agree I would be a bit hurt if my mum was so focused on what best suited her husband.

Could you have become overly focused and reliant on him? You should be able to spend time with your daughter without him. Does he insist that he has to be there, or do you struggle without him?