Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

Can you go and visit them there. Or suggest a coffee shop nearby?

How sad.

This is why it pisses me off when people leave their parents 100s or 1000s of miles behind - or say they don't include the mum in certain things but do include their partner's mum, and suchlike, and they say their mum is happy with it... NO, she's fucking not. Many of us don't speak up when we're hurt and upset, (and feel rejected) because we don't want our (adult) children to feel bad. (Even though sometimes they bloody well should do!)

Many Gen X mums had mothers who were critical and snitty and salty quite a bit of the time, and made us feel like shit sometimes if we didn't fall in line and do everything the way SHE wanted, and we dont want to do the same to our daughters... (Or sons...)

Adult daughters - (and sons) never EVER assume that your mum is not upset and hurt just because she doesn't complain, and doesn't tell you so... Many of us keep quiet about our hurt.......... 😢

As a pp said, I would be tempted to tell your DC to not bother with these last few crumbs they're throwing you. Tell them you're busy! Then again - it will be cutting off your nose to spite your face!

.

Much as it’s upsetting for you, I don’t think there’s anything sinister here. I think it’s simply logistics. For them coming back to the UK means lots of people to see. If you lived in the same town as all the other people you’d have seen far more of them.
if the plans with all these friends had been more concrete then I think you’d have also seen a bit more of them.
moving forward, certainly say you’d have loved to see more of them and look to see what can be done differently.
Maybe next time you and DH could have a mini break in the nearby town and therefore meet up more.
maybe firm up the plans- reservations needed for somewhere maybe. Suggest booking annual leave at the same time. Maybe have a weekend away somewhere with
I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable or selfish. I just think time runs away when you have lots of people to see, some are working, locations etc

I would be equally gutted - what a very selfish daughter you have.
I know you don’t want bad feelings but Jeez I would have to let her know how upset I am.
Can you ask her (not her H) to just go out for a coffee with you (ie not your H) and then gently tell her how you feel. See what she says then make any future decisions about your relationship based on this. Good luck - but don’t appease because you don’t want to rock a boat that has probably already sailed.

If she was happy to come for lunch why not take her up on it?

I think it’s rough she barely saw you but I also don’t understand why she has to stay over if she comes to your place?

Or why not meet them where they are and go out for lunch? If it’s only a 30 minute drive so that seems reasonable.

When she said they couldn’t stay over what did you say?

New Zealand isn't exactly down the road and if I hadn't seen my parents for 14 months, I'd be making it a priority to see them. I really don't understand people who think this is normal or acceptable behaviour.

I'd be gutted too OP, it's a shame you have to tell your daughter you're upset on order for her to spend precious time with you. She's a grown woman with presumably some intelligence. Unless there's some family rift or traumatic backstory, anyone would know seeing your mum for one night out of 28 when you've travelled halfway round the world isn't on. She shouldn't need this spelt out to her.

To be honest, if they wanted to see us, they would have, wouldn't they? It really is that simple. A quick coffee tomorrow morning, does not feel anything like the quality time I had wished for. I would have been happy with just a couple of nights having a nice meal, playing games, chatting etc

It comes down to this really doesn’t it?

Sorry OP, I’d be gutted too and I think she’s really selfish. All I can think is that the other area is more exciting and they know more people there.

But I couldn’t be so inconsiderate to my dm. I think I’d have to ask her - gently - what the reason is bc it’d be eating me up.

So did you take them up.on the offer to meet for lunch? If not, I can see why DD hasn't made much effort to see you other than for coffee, tbh.
Next time, I would try to get some firm arrangements in place before they set off.

I would be busy tomorrow and say you’ve had 28 days to meet up but as you didn’t know what you were doing we’ve made other plans.
Does she expect you to be on call for 28 days in case she’s suddenly not busy?
I think she is low contact with you and if my children went low contact, I’d make it no contact.
Nobody deserves pity crumbs.

When was the last time she was back? If she’s been away for a long time, she might feel that she has a lot of catching up to do with friends, particularly if you are in more regular contact with her.

I actually really feel for friends if you move away because when they do come back, they’re absolutely pulled from pillar to post trying to see friends and family and fit it all in.

However, I would also in your situation be extremely hurt. When you were making their arrangements for Christmas, did you not question it then that they would only be there for one night.

I would feel so sad OP. But I have vowed never to make my kids feel guilty about not seeing me and I never want to be a ‘Duty’. As you say, if she wanted to visit, she would. I don’t know what the solution is. I would hate my daughter having to visit me out of a sense of obligation.

Who knows what the future holds for us. My kids are 20 and 22 and we are extremely close. I would be shocked if they did this, as we spend so much quality time together, family holidays etc and are in touch regularly on WhatsApp groups. But I know that could change.

How would you describe your relationship before she went to New Zealand? Was there a strong foundation there? Closeness?

Sending hugs to you xx

Say that’s fine, come for lunch! Or all afternoon? But if they’re 30 mins away surely they could stay anyway

💐 sorry OP, I'd be gutted

Are you the only ones that regularly visit them?

Are they taking the chance to see people that they see less often?

What happened last time they visited?

We were only an hour away from all parents.

Ils would invite people over to see us when we were at theirs to prolong our time there.

Plus be aghast that we wanted to see friends & not just them!

That said, your daughter does seem to have taken it to extremes!

I would be gutted too and feel disrespected.

'I would feel so sad OP. But I have vowed never to make my kids feel guilty about not seeing me and I never want to be a ‘Duty’. As you say, if she wanted to visit, she would. I don’t know what the solution is. I would hate my daughter having to visit me out of a sense of obligation.'

Yes we all want our dc to want to see us, it must be heartbreaking to be so taken for granted and made to feel like a distant unimportant relative.

It's horrible, the pair of them sound self absorbed and a bit thick tbh.

I get that you are upset.

One thing that strikes me, though, is that they offered to come over for lunch, and you weren't happy with that as they would have had to leave after lunch. I get that you would have preferred them to stay more nights, but I think if you send a lot of shifts that aren't going to be easy to work around, and then decline a lunch as 'it's not long enough' then you start to seem just slightly tricky.

Combine that with catching up with his Dad, and her Dad, and their friends, and the fact they could base themselves there, I think this isn't consciously leaving you out, it's just you didn't want the popping in or quick coffees that were available.

I get why- it isn't the same as bedding in like a family for the night, and playing games, but that wasn't on offer. I tend to think it's better to take any offer in these situations, and then get the deeper chats and more extended time when you visit NZ and are the only guest.

My children do also come home often and then go straight out with friends, I did the same to my mum, but because she was super-flexible, and said 'have fun!', it made coming back in again for any amount of time very easy, once the schedule eased up.

I'm sorry it worked out this way and I think it's fine to let her know you are disappointed, but in a more 'I'm sad' way than a shaming way, and I also think you do have to consider whether your ideas about nights in and fave foods were realistic on this occasion, perhaps partly but perhaps partly not and there may be things you can do to be more flexible in the future (like go over there, it's 30 min away, for a coffee or lunch!)

The idea of doing 'tit-for-tat' is ridiculous, not going to Australia, and cutting your own daughter off for being a bit inconsiderate and possibly overwhelmed (possibly influenced by her DH as well). Only on mumsnet would this be suggested...

I would feel so hurt.

I don't know whether I would say anything, but op you are not BU at all.

Yes sounds awful. I understand why you don't want to make a fuss but if you don't communicate your disappointment I dont think you will know the reasons why ? Sorry OP

They didn’t even take any time off?!

I would do the opposite to this unless you don't want a relationship going forward. These things ebb and flow and are often not personal, but a function of time, easiness, guilt, emotion perhaps towards DH's Dad, and nothing to do with you. Really don't do this.

Perhaps they can't take time off, the OP had her shift pattern and DD had to fit around that. Seeing someone every night for five nights is quite hard going.

I think the less guilt in family relationships the better- they were busy this time, plan differently next time, don't cut them off!

Despite my ‘gentle’ earlier advice to you OP - knowing my nature I think this is what I’d do in reality!

I would be terribly upset by that too OP. What a shame and very thoughtless.

OP I'm honestly gutted for you. I'm an immigrant to the UK and do the trip over to family annually and we stay with them and spend all our time with them including taking everyone away on holiday. Yes it can get a bit like aargh with their quirks but I live so far away that I want to make the most of the time I do get with them.