Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

They are 30 minutes away. We have made it very clear that we can collect them in our car, and drop them back the next day, or whenever suits.

Is it a recent divorce and the dad is on his own or something? If this happened I would assume the dcs is annoyed with me perhaps and would try to chat with them. Also is there any chance you can visit rather than wait 2 years to see them. Must be upsetting.

They get on fine with DH. He has been DD stepfather for 17 years. When she suggested popping in for a coffee, she had no idea he wouldn't be here.

I'd be upset too. Can you just video call her and ask if there's anything wrong that means they're only with you for 1 night?

I think this is very poor behaviour on their part.

It is either thoughtless and self-absorbed, or a deliberate attempt to hurt.

Either way, think about the outcome you want and let that guide your next steps.

They are unlikely to want to visit next time if you make them feel ashamed or guilty, no matter how justified you might be.

This sounds very hurtful OP, I'm sorry.

Just to give a slightly different perspective, I used to live in Australia and visits to the UK were rather difficult to plan because there were so many people and places we needed to fit in on our rare and expensive visits.

It may be that she is prioritising other people because she's already had the quality time with you in NZ. It's unfair on you, but that may be how she sees it.

In your shoes, I'd probably tell her how sad you are not to see more of her and see what she says.

I'd be pretty heartbroken too OP. Very uncaring and a little selfish of them I feel to not spend more time with you. I guess it really depends on your relationship with her though you say no back story. Kind of makes it worse!

Makes me sad. :(

This is quite thoughtless. So sorry, OP! I visited my family in New Zealand for 2 weeks and my acrimoniously divorced parents both met my husband and me at the airport, then we tried to split the time fairly equally while also visiting others and getting out and about. It’s definitely possible to do so

I've got experience of having very close relatives live very far away. Difficult conversations are really hard when you're apart so address with her tomorrow during the coffee. It doesn't have to be angrily confrontational. What you're effectively saying is 'I really love you and I would have liked to spend time with you. Can you help me understand why we didn't spend more time together on this trip so that any future trips will be different?'

I'd feel 100% the same as you and my jaw dropped when you said '30 minutes'; I was imagining 3 hours!

I’d be gutted but I’d also not passively sit back and let her bugger off for weeks without making firmer plans about seeing me and when and where we’d be catching up and what days they were coming back to stay with me etc.

”A coffee” FFS.

I'd be gutted OP. Such a long way to come and such a short time spent with you. But I doubt (for what its worth) that any other individual or couple saw much more of them. Sounds as if they made a point of seeing all the family and friends they've been missing, which meant everyone just got one meeting, apart from the odd breakfast wherever they were staying before they went out again.

I have suggested several dates that we are free to have them over. She always says "we've got plans on that day" or "I can't commit as I have loose plans with friends" or "we are busy seeing people" or "we could come that day for lunch, but can't stay as we are seeing other people the next day".

It feels like we would only ever be a back up plan, never the main event.

To be honest, if they wanted to see us, they would have, wouldn't they? It really is that simple. A quick coffee tomorrow morning, does not feel anything like the quality time I had wished for. I would have been happy with just a couple of nights having a nice meal, playing games, chatting etc.

Really selfish and self absorbed of her. I would be upset and angry. I've seen it with a neighbour though. Son and second wife come from Australia with the two kids. Stay a couple of nights over the two weeks. They leave me kids with grandparents while they visit his friends around the UK the other days and nights.

You say you've sent her shift patterns and told her you'd like to see her: have you actually expressed to her what you've written here? That you got her room ready, got all her favourite food in, were looking forward to having her stay? That you want to see her for more than 24 hours in the 28 days?

I will say, as the DC living thousands of miles from home, that time back home is precious. You lose so many days to jet lag and travel and transport and shopping for stuff and getting from here to there and coordinating who is free when and just needing days off to sleep and recover and do laundry and get yourself fed etc etc. You also need some down time. 28 days feels like two hectic weeks. BUT, you are allowed to feel you should be higher up the list of people they do spend time with.

It's tricky. This may just be a recalibration of your relationship - by 29yo, they're kind of telling you what they think and what their priorities are (although these could change if grandchildren arrive on the scene).

My older sister has lived abroad for 25+ years. When she comes to the UK she doesn't plan anything with family at all, it's always a long list of friends she's seeing and places she's going. Yes, it's selfish, but it means that no one in the family have any expectations of her. She came here for 10 days for my dad's funeral. I saw her for 2 hours on the day , rest of the time she was literally whizzing from one end of the country to the other. Perhaps her father and father in law provide cash input because that certainly influences my sister's choices (not paying for meals etc but actual physical cash gift giving)

What do you make of her DH? Is he really controlling? Sounds like they've been spending their whole time at his dad's. Even though it sounds like they all live in the same area, how much has your DD's dad actually also seen of them?

My friends who now live in Oz always come back every couple of years and her/his parents always throw a big party when they visit and that way they catch up with all the friends in one go. It’s all very organised in advance so everyone knows what they’re doing. You need to be a bit more involved next time rather than “suggesting dates.”

Why can't you meet them close to where they are staying and go to see them?

Is them coming when your DH at work telling in it's own way, is there anyway she might be uncomfortable around him or just not really like him?

If we go out with them, we always pay the bill. I'm not sure that the Dad's do, can't be sure.

I suppose if you have been out to see them and have a good relationship otherwise where you talk regularly, maybe they are working on the logic that they are prioritising other people they dont get to see in person/talk to as much? Could that be it?

I can only imagine how sad you feel, and hurt to be such low priority. I know you don't want to make drama but it's OK to say how you feel and what you expected.

Am I correct that when you visited NZ you didn't stay with them, they didn't take any time off work to spend time with you and they didn't host any meals at their home? I would have thought you might have arranged to be in DD's area over a weekend/a couple of days when she wasn't working?

Wow she's travelled thousands of miles then won't make the 30 minutes your way?
Did you raise her equally with your ex ? Is she trying to show off her success to her df and friends? Did she take you for granted when she was younger?
Could you even admit she was/is a bit of a madam or are you genuinely shocked at her thoughtlessness?

I am so sorry to read this. I know it is not the same at all but my 20 and 18 year olds returned from uni in mid December and apart from Xmas day at mine and a day I took them to London, they spent the duration at their dad's / catching up with their mates . One did 4 days work too. Both went back this week.
It hurts - they think nothing of it :(
Yours is a further distance though (mine will be back at Easter)
Hugs x

He's actually lovely and defo not controlling. I think they will have spent about 5 days with her Dad, the rest of the time sleeping at his Dad's, albeit, the day and evenings might not have been spent with him. But his house is very convenient, as all of their friends live in that town.