Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

OP hasn't taken time off to see her DD either.

If it's any consolation, I don't think you need to be jealous of how much time they spent at the DH's Dad's house.
I have had DC come for flying-visits (we are still in their childhood home) while they go out to visit old friends e.g. for weddings. It does feel a bit like being used as a free hotel sometimes.
But as a PP said, it's got better now they are parents themselves.

Are you big drinkers? It comes across as though you plan to have them for the evening and have a drink? Hence why they can’t stay late as they have plans the next day. I also wonder why they need to leave after lunch because they have plans the next day?

I think this is a little harsh. Despite the DD age, she is still the child in this situation and shouldn't have to be fearful that her Mum might cut her off if she doesn't want to spend time with her.

She is being selfish, yes, but it also sounds as though she has been busy catching up with many people so perhaps hasn't had much time to take stock.

OP, just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Don't let her go back without sorting it/seeing her again

As you say, if they had wanted to see you they would have found the time. There must be something behind this, even if you don't know what it is. I can understand why you would be hurt, to be 30 minutes away and not see them. I'd suggest just going along with the plans for now but I wouldn't be inclined to travel halfway around the world to see them again. You know where you stand.

@HollyhockDays

I actually really feel for friends if you move away because when they do come back, they’re absolutely pulled from pillar to post trying to see friends and family and fit it all in.

But this is her mum. Her MUM. Apart from your partner/spouse and child(ren) your mum should be the most important and special person in the world to you.

Not someone who is 15th in line to visit on a one month trip from New Zealand to the UK, and who gets sparse crumbs, and barely 24 hours out of the whole visit.

Do they have to come as a duo? Can’t you see your dd by herself? They are together constantly in NZ presumably, so a bit of separate time with individual friends/relatives would make sense for the odd day or two.

Couples joined at the hip are intensely irritating; I would be sad if I could never see a dc by themselves, and I certainly didn’t have dh glued to my side whenever I saw my parents.

But she has said she's available for lunch and OP hasn't bothered to take her up on it.

You said you gave her times of your work shifts , perhaps they think if you are not prepared to take time off it makes it difficult for them to spend time with you ? I can understand you feeling upset though .

im sorry your daughter has not prioritised you OP - I can imagine how you feel.

I wanted to share a bit of my perspective, as myself as well as my siblings have definitely made trips home from the places where we live abroad (albeit not as far as your daughter!) where we treated our home a bit like a hotel and a base from where to see our friends, and there definitely were trips during which I prioritised them over family.i know it’s a different situation here but still I remember the excitement of being able to see my friends, the family was a bit less important. I think it’s just life to a degree, one I had kids I naturally focused more on making sure they can see their grandparents. Your daughter is young and may feel similar. Also, is it possible she’s also working remotely a bit while staying in the UK? I know it may not be a lot of consolation but remember this is also her “holiday” so maybe she’s taking it easy and wants some time between friends that she’s not telling you about. I remember it was extremely stressful to be coming home from far away, managing to visit relatives or friends and some people always wanting more of us while I felt like on a tour, despite really enjoying their company. Def worth taking to her, she may really be in the whirlwind and it just didn’t register as much with her as it did with you.

Hmmmmm, I wonder why?

How is your relationship generally? How frequently do you talk or message? Do you consider yourselves "close"?

This reads very much that she just doesn't want to see you - they've made a visit on Boxing Day to show willing and to be able to say that they spent Boxing Day with you. if you normally have a good relationship, then I would worry about her DH being controlling and trying to limit contact between you. Only you know if you would normally get on very well.

Well, I personally don't understand why.

If I was that desperate to see my daughter and she said she could meet me for lunch I would jump at the chance, not turn her down then moan I haven't seen her!

To echo pp thoughts; how often are you in touch normally? If you keep up to date with each other regularly (even just text or email) perhaps she feels she doesn’t really need to spend long in person? (Compared to other family/friends who are out of touch). Maybe just a coffee/lunch is preferable to a prolonged meal/ afternoon/overnight session?!

I'd also be gutted... but I think the idea of calling her and offering to meet her half way or even just take her out to lunch or whatever is a great idea.

I'd bite my tongue on the whole gutted thing tho.
You don't have time. And you need to make the most of it while you can.

Also the time to say something was much earlier when she could still do something about it, not just before she leaves when its a done deal and then she feels really guilty.

She has probably had a lot of pressure from people and from her DH's connections.. she may even be annoyed that she's run out of time with you. It feels like a month is a long time at the start of a holiday but the time flies by.

Maybe talk to her about it when she's back home again. And plan to visit her.
Or meet her in a country that's halfway en route?
Maybe set up a regular facetime call to keep up with both your daily lives or schedule a watch along of both your favorite programmes, so that you can chat but also just spending time together in touch without having to force any conversations.

So sorry. It must be really hard x

I'd be upset as well. I would have been sad too if I had gone to NZ to visit them for 5 days and they didn't take any time off and fitted me in in the evening (assuming dates all agreed well in advance). I can' tell if they have completely taken you for granted or just don't care about your feelings. Either way they seem really unkind.

What's that phrase 'do you want to be right or happy?'

You are definitely in the right. But what would make you happy- tension with your daughter or seeing her for coffee, having a great time, saying I wish I'd seen you more, keeping in good touch and going out again in 18 months time?

Don't blow your entire relationship which is always going to be hard over the distance on this one visit. I wouldn't, anyway.

I'm sorry to read this, I lived in Australia for two years. When I come home after first year for a two week break I prioritised spending time with family. Of course, it is tricky to fit everyone in that you want to see and it felt like a mad rush at the time, but only having one lunch with your mum isn't considerate of your daughter. It sounds like she's got wrapped up in seeing friends and sadly hasn't considered your feelings. I hope she reflects on this when she leaves and realises this and is different on the next visit. I do think you should say to her that your are disappointed and hope next time can be different.

What is your relationship like with your daughter? It sounds like, if you aren't even able to say to her 'hey, we're not seeing as much of you as we'd hoped to. Is anything up? Are we ok?' then you don't have a very emotionally open relationship?

For context - DH and I lived abroad (about half way to NZ!) for about 7 years. When we came back for visits we'd see his mum once for lunch and that was usually it. But that was because she was a strange and difficult woman who had a very unwelcoming home and piled a ton of emotional guilt on him for moving away. By contrast, we'd see a lot of my mum and her partner, because they were the opposite.

Are you sure there isn't anything going on that would make your daughter less keen to see you? Or, rather, there must be some reason why she isn't keen to see you - but you just aren't aware of it?

They didn't have one lunch, they had Boxing Day all day, offered a lunch, now offering a coffee and the OP could have gone over for shorter times just to catch up given it's 30 min away.

The OP had a fixed idea, DD staying, even though there are three parents (or more) friends, and other family in the situation, and she has a DH to accommodate as well. She didn't want to do a lunch for a couple of hours. Perhaps the DD prefers 2 hours with Mum and then staying elsewhere, who knows? I see one of my relatives like this.

Be annoyed, but don't cut off your DD based on the indignant people on MN.

I think the most likely explanation is simply that she takes you for granted.

For many people in their 20s their job and friends are the priority in terms of time spent. Their parents are people who’ve always been there and always will. Much loved, but not front of mind. It’s as they get older that they start empathising with and valuing their parents more.

Before anyone shouts I know not all 20 somethings are like this. But many are.

I think you need to be more direct and say I was expecting to see you for at least 2-3 nights out of 28. I’m sad that hasn’t happened.

My relationship with my mother was poor, but I'm pretty sure she told everyone that we were really close, so I'm wondering if that sort of dynamic is at play here.

I moved to the other side of the world (largely to be far away from my mother), but I'd still dutifully visit every year or 2. I'd always visit her 1st to get that chore out of the way...but even so I never felt I could realistically get away with less than 4 days/3 nights (and I made sure I was in a hotel, not her home). And once we had done the duty, we'd then go on holiday/see friends elsewhere in that country.

I'm assuming your daughter feels similar, but is braver than I ever was in terms of the time she wants to spend with you. Equally, I could be way off the mark and she might just be dreadful at managing her time!

You sound absolutely lovely. Book mark her behaviour for another time & at the right moment do let her know how appalling her behaviour has been towards you. What a selfish little madam.

That is absolutely gutting, so hurtful, and there's no WAY I would ever do this to my mother - and she drives me nuts 0-60. That is just plain not on. (For context I'm in the UK and Mum is in NZ).

One thought - did your DD live more with her dad growing up? Or have you moved area since she left? As if she didn’t primarily live with you, or in the area you’re in now, then she perhaps doesn’t see yours as “home” and is less likely to gravitate there.