Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

Or was it a swingers party & they didn'y want their "old friends" knowing lol.
shitty behaviour OP. I'd feel hurt too

Personally, that happened to me I’d feel pretty hurt to be honest.

I voted YABU because you should have asked them along to the party with the new group. Friendship is something you share, not hoard.

What does that mean?

Life moves on which is fair, but totally acceptable for her to be hurt and put out. Never nice when good friends and a routine you really value is sacked off in favour of others.

You dumped them for a better offer

You should have spoken to them about it

But no one is suggesting you have to see these people every NYE for the rest of your lives, like some kind of unbreakable vow. What people are saying is that you handled this badly, and that your cowardliness, bad manners, and inability to be direct about having alternative plans have come back to bite you in a way they wouldn't have if you'd been upfront about your plans ahead of time.

Nope you were rude and thoughtless no you don’t need to be with them every year but you tell them. You didn’t and for me that would be a friendship line crossed

So you couldn't handle an 'awkward' conversation with your friends of many years so you just ignored any discussion of NYE plans? By not being upfront you denied them the opportunity to make other arrangements. If they had done this to you, how would you feel? Hopefully, by next year your shiny new friends will have worked out what a shitty couple you are and treat you similarly.

You are of course fine to spend NYE with who you want. MBut if it’s a longstanding tradition you should have given your friends plenty of warning or included them too. The way you handled it is really rude and cowardly, and they’re right to be hurt. Not telling them meant they were left in limbo and didn’t know whether to make other plans or not.

She’s not annoyed she’s hurt and rightly so.

Id be upset if a close friend ditched me for some shiny new friends however if the situation was handled properly I would get over it.

You should have spoken up when they mention NYE to you and said you’d already been invited else where and either offered them to come along or suggest doing something NYD or another day over the Xmas period.

You handled it badly and you should apologise and let your friend know that she means a lot to you still.

You had a pattern of spending the evening together and you didn’t speak up when they mentioned to up and coming date so they were right to assume this year would be the same as previous.

I originally voted it's fine to not see them every NY, but, you then updated to say they'd mentioned about them hosting and you didn't say otherwise. No wonder they're upset.

What a shitty thing to do to your friend. She has every reason to be upset, you dumped her. You still haven't explained why you couldn't have invited your friend and DH out with the new group. Not cool enough for you?

I agree.
@TraitorsSandwich as soon as your ex friends mentioned new year you should have told them straight away that you had other plans.

It was a horrible thing to do to let them assume they were spending new year with you. You have sent them a very clear message that you have ditched them for a better offer.

I read threads on here all the time from hurt posters who have "friends" like you.

I hope they move on and make some other new friends.

So yes, YABVVVU

Years ago I got ditched for shiny new friends. Until something went wrong in the ditching friends life and the shiny new ones dropped her like a stone. She tried to slink back to me then but it was too late.

Don't be surprised if the same thing happens OP.

YABU.

So at this point why did you not tell them? Not saying anything because it’s awkward and hoping they’ll just go away is pretty shitty teenage behaviour.

i also don’t understand why you couldn’t have said to the new friends “we’d love to spend new year with you but we have a couple who we usually spend it with - mind if we include them?

So you've made a group of new friends and decided to ditch your old friends and exclude them from your new group. Of course they are hurt. I hope your new friends are more loyal to you than you have been to your old friends as I'd be surprised if they want you back.

Shes not annoyed, shes hurt. Don’t try and butter them up if your new friends ditch you. You have damaged the friendship by not being honest.

This was the perfect opportunity to say “ah actually I’m not sure if we’re going to be available this year as we already said we’d go to XYZ’s. Sorry - would be lovely to see you for drinks on [insert date] instead though!”

You chickened out, they assumed the usual arrangement was still on and probably missed their chance to make other plans. So now unsurprisingly they are hurt and pissed off.

Hope the evening was worth it 🤷‍♀️

I've been in your friend's position, and its incredibly hurtful.

My friends gravitated towards a new social group, and pretty much ghosted us. At first we thought it was because they were having a tough time, so needed space.

I remember sitting at home with DH and weeping when I found out, many months on, they had hosted a party and we just weren't invited. We had been very close before.

We had wasted a fair amount of time hanging around and waiting for them, when we could have been more proactive in new friendships.

That's what did in the end. Bumped into one of the now ex-friends a couple of years later.

He had the audacity to tell me that now we had new mates, we obviously didn't want to know him and his DW anymore. I put him straight, but never really saw him again.

You should have told them you plans would be different this year so they could make a new plan.

Agreed!

Very shady of you to not say that you had different plans this year when it was raised.

Yes agreed , very poor behaviour

You were rude. They are hurt.
And understandably so. You ditched them for your shiny new friends and didn't even have the manners to tell them so they could make different plans.