Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

I'm confused as to why you're confused to be honest.

You acted like a teenager. You basically ghosted them, found new people to hang out with and didn't even have the decency to tell them?

You sound really tactless and unkind.

It’s fine to make different plans but you handled it a bit badly by just avoiding the situation.

She's hurt and I understand why - I would be too.

Not sure why you couldn't have invited them too, you don't know if it would have worked or not. Unless there's a major issue you're not mentioning what does two more adults in a group matter? Especially as the group obviously is open to new mates as you and your DH have recently got close

You also should have said something to them to make it clear in advance

This is where you have gone wrong when they mentioned it a few months ago you and your husband should have said something instead you say you felt awkward which suggests you knew you were being sneaky.

Not surprised your friend is upset with you. It’s not nice being dumped for new friends.

Im not saying that you should spend every nye with them but you could have been more tactful and told them beforehand. You have handled the whole situation terribly.

Reverse?

Well, you couldn't have handled that in a worse way even if you'd tried.

You would not have been unreasonable to change your mind about plans, even if they are a tradition, and gave an early and clear notice about it.

The way you did it would obviously result in hurt and upset. I hope you treat these new 'friends' better, I imagine your old ones will be justifiably hurt and will start to distance from you.

I do think you were unreasonable not to tell them at the time that you were making other plans, especially as you knew several months ahead

It sounds like you didn’t handle it very well

This was cowardly and not a nice way to treat your friend. You should have been honest when she invited you, not just ignored the invite and made separate plans.

Your friend is hurt and reasonably so, because your behaviour was hurtful.

Of course you ditched them for new friends.

also it’s very possible to introduce a couple into a group, if you want to. You just didn’t want to.

at least be honest with yourself.

Awww you should have told them if you value their friendship OP. You’re not wrong for having other plans but you are wrong to not tell them considering it’s a bit of a tradition. Most people would be hurt by that.

Ywnbu to want to change things up and spend nye with whoever you wanted

Ywbu to not discuss it with them. They spoke to you about hosting and you didn't really respond for fear of being awkward. So they probably thought that your plans were going ahead as usual, or that you didn't want to celebrate, not that you were celebrating and had plans, just not with them. I can see why they are hurt

You basically told your friend that their offer isn't as good as that of these other new people.
In return she told you she was hurt by that.
You can do what you like. You can't do what you like and have people approve and be pleased with you if what you like hurts them.

I think you’ve handled this poorly. No wonder she feels hurt - you didn’t say anything when (understandably, given the past few years) mentally she was planning another NYE with old friends. You don’t owe her every NYE but surely they deserved a bit of honesty and tact…?

It was really shitty of you not to tell them. You owe them a big apology.

You behaved badly. You should have said there and then that you weren't free.

You handled it very poorly. You should have been honest that you had made other plans. It was a tradition so of course they assumed that you would be coming to them or they were going to go to yours.

Either way they probably would be hurt but less so if they had known in advance. It does come across as you value this new group more than longstanding loyal friends. I hope it does not backfire on you.

Fuck me this is so bloody rude of you?? How on earth are you so socially unaware?? Of course you can change your mind about any social event, but you do it in a socially acceptable way ffs!

You would no longer be my friend.

Shes understandably hurt. You've ditched her for new friends

I should think that is the end of that friendship.

How did this happen without further conversation?! Did they just wait to you on NYE with no further confirmation? Doesn’t really make sense

I never understand why people feel so strongly about keeping groups of friends apart, especially in a party scenario. Presumably everyone is a decent adult?! People meet at parties, get along well or are just sociable for the evening.

YABU for not being honest in the first place and for not inviting friends to your party (if you were hosting. If you weren’t, the first YABU still stands)

YABU for turning down the invite when it was offered instead of being honest.

Why didn’t you invite them both to join in? Or cancelled well in advance. I think you were a bit underhanded and immature, very playground behaviour.

All you had to say when they mentioned hosting was that you've already made alternate plans. Wtf is awkward about that? You've handled this poorly and likely lost a friend.