Friend annoyed with me over NYE plans

[TraitorsSandwich]

interested in opinions on this one as now I’m questioning myself !!

For several years, me and DH have spent NYE with my friend and her husband, taking it in turns to host. They were always really keen to say how it was a nice ‘tradition’ etc and up until this year it had worked for us too.

However we have grown close to another group of friends & instead spent NYE with them - friend and her DH were on their own and friend has said to me that she’s upset we ditched them for our new friends.

WIBU ? I feel bad now that they were on their own but equally don’t agree that we should be forced into seeing them every NYs.

Yes, you were out of order.

If you had decided to stay at home on your own as you didn’t wish to celebrate this time OR if your family was having a huge gathering that you didn’t want to miss out on, OR even if your new friends were hosting a large party that you really wanted to go to, then these would have been acceptable plan changes. BUT, to continue celebrating the day and to drop your friends for a coupe of ‘new’ friends (with no large party) then that’s harsh!

Maybe next year, your ‘new’ friends won’t like you, and your ‘old’ friends will have decided to no longer stay loyal to you, so you’ll find you and DH all on your lonesome. What goes around, comes around.

You were being very unkind not to be straight with her. My parents had a similar arrangement for many years, and when it ended the other couple let them know several months in advance and explained that things had changed and they now had other commitments. That is the way to do it.

This .. what you did was not nice , and you know it .. In school terms, you picked the more popular friends

That's on the same level as ditching them last minute...
No, you don't have to commit to spend NYE with them every single year. But not letting them know (nicely) that you want to change an established practice is a shitty thing to do to people who are meant to be your friends.

The fact that you were uncomfortable means you clearly knew they could be hurt. So mitigating this should have been your priority, not burying your head in the sand hoping they'd get the (non existent) message.

Yes YABU. You should have told them you had no intention of spending NY with them, instead you left them talking about hosting you and sat in silence because you felt awkward. Surely it’s more awkward now? You should of just said you had other plans

So you had a conversation about it, they said they'd host, you didn't say you couldn't go so why on earth would they think you weren't as it had become something of a regular thing.
You felt awkward and were cowardly about it and now you have hurt your friend. I'm not surprised she feels hurt and probably like you don't value their friendship.

Maybe you should've said when they brought it up to you? None of this, "I felt awkward" crap.

Yeah I think you’ve handled it badly to be honest. What do you mean “you didn’t really say anything” like did you just flat out ignore it when they said it to you? Change the subject?
You should have talked to them about it. Do you still consider them friends? Seeing as it’s just a night in at home, I don’t know why you couldn’t have still done it, and had a different night in with your other friends maybe in the run up to Christmas. Theres room for both surely. I’d get it more if other friends had invited you to an event like a night of entertainment in a bar/hotel or a firework show or something, then you could’ve explained to your original friends you’d been invited to something on NYE but look forward to catching up with them in January. But the fact you’ve switched a night in with one couple to a night in with a different couple… I can get why they’re hurt.

How cowardly of you.

Jeeze, how pathetic of you, and how cruel.

Why on earth could you not say, as soon as you had a 'better' offer "I'm sorry, but we're not available for NYE this year"?

We used to spend NYE with another couple over a few years, but when it came to an end they had the decency to tell us in plenty of time, that they had other plans. We're still very good friends.

I now actually think OP wasn’t honest months prior just incase the plan with ‘new’ friends fell through - OP would always have her ‘old’ friend’s to fall back on.

Absolutely awful of you OP. Switch places for a moment, how would you feel?

You should not feel obliged to host anyone ever.

But and this is a big buttttt... you were so unreasonable not to bring it up when they asked you. You could have breezily said, oh we've been asked to spend it with so and so, they asked first so we agreed.

They might have been a bit put out but at least they would have known. You guys made it awkward and yes you ditched them. Love how it worked for you until you got some shiny new friends and dropped them without even letting them know so they could make alternative plans.

I think you acted really shitty and you know you have.

You're flipping pathetic. Just playing the ostrich with your heads in the sand and hoping nobody would notice. Do you understand what friendship actually entails? I hope you learn and grow up from this experience and treat people how you would like to be treated yourself. It's like mean girls, or wannabes at school trying to get in with the in crowd.

You knew this might happen. You should have been clearer with your friends in advance.
Better still, you could have done a little party and invited a few people

What you did was very rude. You should have been upfront and said that you have alternative plans.

If you found it awkward it is clear that there was an expectation and no wonder they are hurt. I would not consider you a friend... Not because you had other plans but because you could not be honest with me

You actually should have told them that you wouldn't be spending NYE with them as soon as you realised! Not wait for them to bring it up and then sidestep as you were embarrassed!
I would feel very hurt and angry by the lack of manners.

That's a very bad way to handle it.

You did handle it badly I'm afraid, you should have been upfront that you had received another invitation this year, and, if you were keen to, suggested a celebration on another evening rather than NYE itself, acknowledging that you enjoy the celebration with them but wanted a change this year. To say nothing and leave them hanging would have left them feeling ditched, and probably prohibited them making other arrangements in good time too. No wonder they're hurt and upset, I would be too. If you want to salvage the friendship I think it's appropriate you apologise and acknowledge you didn't handle it well/should have given more notice.

I may be slow on the uptake but I'm not quite clear who was supposed to be hosting. Guessing OP.
In which case then yes, you should have said to the friends that you were doing something different this year, rather than leave them hanging.
Also, there's no actual reason why you couldn't have let them meet the new friends is there? Unless you live in a studio flat with one seat.
If you're having 6 people over, another 2 won't make a massive difference - you could have asked them all, and got people to bring some food/folding chairs if it was that much of a faff.

So we had this happen to us. We have hosted 3 couples and their kids every year for the passed 4 years. They are a mix of friends that don’t normally socialise together and we have the biggest space which is why we always host. This year one of these couples meet another local couple on holiday, they got on well and so did the kids. They tried to integrate them into the existing groups at different event but it didn’t really work. This year they were invited to their new friends for new year - fine no obligation to come to me! But what i didn’t like was no offer to say actually we normally spend new year with these people so we’ll host and everyone come to us!! It was just we’ve got a better offer bye!! It felt a bit shit to be honest

So it "no longer works" for you because you've made shiny new friends instead?

Better warn them you'll ditch them when someone new comes along

Of course you have the right to spend NYE wherever and with whomever you please.
if you have not communicated that to the friends you previously spent NYE with and there was a suggestion or agreement you would spend it with them thats very hurtful and rude.
I dont understand why your long standing friends couldnt be included because youd made a new group of friends though (sounds a bit yr 9 playground stuff tbh)
You could have said ,well in advance that you weren't available to spend NYE with them this year and that would have helped the situation.

I hope your ‘new’ friends give you the boot!

Another load of "friendship group" piffle.

Your reason for why you coulnd't include them in the invite makes no sense - so what if it's a group?
I think you've got shiny new friends and aren't interested in the old ones any more.