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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
Ella31 · 08/01/2026 10:34

He sounds absolutely vile and you need to end it with him. He is emotionally abusing you and gas lighting you. You haven't ruined anything but he is ruining you, your self worth and happiness.

takealettermsjones · 08/01/2026 10:34

Leave him.

Potatoelephant · 08/01/2026 10:34

Please leave this horrible horrible man.

Scared0112 · 08/01/2026 10:35

wowww, no- this is not a you problem but he’s very much destroying you with it.

you have to leave this guy. He’s fucking weird, if nothing else- but clearly has a myriad of issues. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re unreasonable to feel as you do. He’s treating you like shit. The man has a severe porn addiction. Don’t let him treat you like this. You have to get out.

Redbushteaforme · 08/01/2026 10:35

Why are you staying with this horrible man? He doesn't respect you. You are worth much more than this.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:36

Ella31 · 08/01/2026 10:34

He sounds absolutely vile and you need to end it with him. He is emotionally abusing you and gas lighting you. You haven't ruined anything but he is ruining you, your self worth and happiness.

Wow I wasn’t expecting this reply . Im actually filling up for some reason . Thankyou so much . You don’t know how much this means to me knowing it’s not only me that would feel this way and I am normal to feel sad

OP posts:
IrradiatedHaggis · 08/01/2026 10:38

Just dump him. Simple as that.

TabbyMcTattle · 08/01/2026 10:38

What a pathetic excuse for a man. This is not normal. Leave and enjoy your life.

caramac04 · 08/01/2026 10:39

He is utterly vile and projecting his insecurities onto you.
Please please get your ducks in a row and leave him.
You are being used and abused.
You are definitely worth better than this shit show.

patooties · 08/01/2026 10:40

I’m sorry but this is wildly weird -why the fuck is he repeatedly sending you videos of him wanking?
He is a sex pest. Get rid.

Ella31 · 08/01/2026 10:40

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:36

Wow I wasn’t expecting this reply . Im actually filling up for some reason . Thankyou so much . You don’t know how much this means to me knowing it’s not only me that would feel this way and I am normal to feel sad

I know others will come along and repeat what I've said. You need to also confide in someone, family, friend ect...I know the subject matter is awkward but this is very serious behaviour by him. You need the support to end it with him and be safe

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:40

I didn’t see everyone else’s comments . I honestly didn’t expect this many so soon or at least I didn’t think for one second that I would have anyone understanding how this has made me feel. Thankyou so much. I honestly don’t know if he still watches porn . He says he doesn’t . Even swears on certain peoples lives . But hes done that numerous times wirh other things like cocaine and weed use . These are the only things that I am controlling about because I hate drugs and don’t want them in my life . Hes swore so many times then denies even promising me then makes me feel like a horrible person because he says Im controlling and why does what he does affect me . I try to tell him because I don’t want a partner to do drugs . But he still doesn’t get it and then loses it .

OP posts:
Mcdhotchoc · 08/01/2026 10:40

Leave him. Jeez. There are different views on porn use that is true but it's clear that

  1. you are not on the same page
  2. he is nasty and manipulative
  3. he is happy making you feel bad
Nearly50omg · 08/01/2026 10:41

vile is the right word for him but also abusive with the behaviour he is exhibiting- he’s messing with your head and deliberately doing it which is abuse - leave him for your sanity and have a happy life and please contact women’s aid to get onto the course so you can learn the signs of abusive bear and red flags so you don’t go down this road again x

Toastythesnowman · 08/01/2026 10:42

Why are you putting up with this?! He's an appalling individual. LTB.

shhblackbag · 08/01/2026 10:42

He's messing with your head that you even ask that question.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:42

patooties · 08/01/2026 10:40

I’m sorry but this is wildly weird -why the fuck is he repeatedly sending you videos of him wanking?
He is a sex pest. Get rid.

Hi he hasn’t for a while , the first few months I would get a few when I left for work . I do get the odd one now and then but havnt for a few months now . But I have told him a few times that I don’t want any photos or videos of that . But still he sends this

OP posts:
ticktickticktickBOOM · 08/01/2026 10:42

Get rid.

He is vile and you deserve a proper man.

Scared0112 · 08/01/2026 10:43

Your update is even worse. This man has no redeeming features and you are in an abusive relationship. Do you have somewhere safe to stay- do you have parents? Make the decision today to save yourself. And immediately book in with a therapist so he doesn’t worm his way back in.

this is a defining moment in this relationship when you realise you’re realty, don’t let another two years waste away with this disgusting man. There’s a life and happiness waiting for you if you can just be brave now. 💐

Ithinkihatethislittlelife · 08/01/2026 10:43

End it. Seriously, life is too short to put up with a mediocre little man making you feel like shit. What a pathetic little twat he is.

Leave him to his wanking and live your own life. Men are more trouble than they are worth.

shhblackbag · 08/01/2026 10:43

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:42

Hi he hasn’t for a while , the first few months I would get a few when I left for work . I do get the odd one now and then but havnt for a few months now . But I have told him a few times that I don’t want any photos or videos of that . But still he sends this

It's OK to be single, OP. Just leave.

UltimateFoole · 08/01/2026 10:44

Dump him.
And find someone in real life to talk to - if you don’t want to discuss it with family try Women’s Aid or similar.
He has serious issues and he’s dragging you into them- you need to get sure enough of yourself that in future you trust your instincts when someone is taking the p—s

Woody18 · 08/01/2026 10:45

Oh my god, I am so sad reading this. And it makes me petrified for all of the young girls and women in the world that they could end up like this. What has happened to society that makes women feel they should put up with this utter shit show?
OP, you DO NOT NEED this man in your life. PLEASE just leave him. His behaviour is nothing but disgusting and I cannot fathom why you would want a relationship with someone like this. You would be SO much happier single than putting up with this and wasting your precious head space on this utter low life. Realise your worth and get away from this "relationship" as soon as you possibly can. Good luck!

PollyBell · 08/01/2026 10:45

You cant be that desperate, why on earth are ypu doing this to yourself do you hate yourself that much?

Yes leave him can't beleive you need to be told

CocksBolingey · 08/01/2026 10:47

This all sounds completely insane and he sounds like a wrong 'un! Ditch him.