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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
disturbia · 26/01/2026 09:24

He isn't going to change but YOU can change your response to him so burn the letter outside or shred it up and do the same for the next one without opening it. You are making progress.

NettleTea · 26/01/2026 12:03

OK, so you probably should have just put the letter in the bin or burned it, but as you are still entangled you likely secretly hoped that the FALSE apology and lies would be in there ansd you would have gone back.

At least now you knopw he wont change and everything, in his eyes, is all your fault.

Please go online now and start putting your energy into working through the freedom programme.

Burn any letters that come. He is not your friend. he can never be the partner you want, but until you value yourself, and the freedom programme will help you do that, he represents all of the kinds of relationships that you will be drawn to because you cannot differentiate between lies and action.

£14 is all it costs. £14 to be free of these bloodsuckers.£14 for your self worth.

Commit to it. Maybe do it with your daughter, so you are accountable to each other

But invest in yourself and get out of this self perpetuating self harming spiral.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

ZeldaFighter · 26/01/2026 17:18

theheckisgoingon28 · 26/01/2026 07:20

Hi sorry I havnt been on here this weekend . Iv took time off my phone . I came home from work Friday to a letter posted through my door . It took me a while to open it because i had severe anxiety thinking what would be in it but deep down I knew even tho I hoped so much it would be an apology . It was a tiny bit but as usual je then turns it around on me and said it was wrong he carried on drinking and he feels sorry for that but it was my fault for having a go so that’s why he done it and also had a go at me blocking him ect it was a two page letter mostly full of blame on my side .

Laugh at his letter. It is all it deserves - to be laughed at. Your druggie loser ex says it's all your fault. Ridiculous!

He is telling you who he is. Even now, at the very end, he cannot be responsible for his own life and decisions. And who cares? If you're the bad guy for not supporting him in his drink and drugs, then so be it.

Keep going. Keep leaving him behind you. Keep living the life you want, not the miserable existence he offers you.

SALaw · 27/01/2026 07:44

theheckisgoingon28 · 26/01/2026 07:20

Hi sorry I havnt been on here this weekend . Iv took time off my phone . I came home from work Friday to a letter posted through my door . It took me a while to open it because i had severe anxiety thinking what would be in it but deep down I knew even tho I hoped so much it would be an apology . It was a tiny bit but as usual je then turns it around on me and said it was wrong he carried on drinking and he feels sorry for that but it was my fault for having a go so that’s why he done it and also had a go at me blocking him ect it was a two page letter mostly full of blame on my side .

What would you have done if it was a 2 page apology?

FrostyPalms · 27/01/2026 15:02

SALaw · 27/01/2026 07:44

What would you have done if it was a 2 page apology?

I think we all know the answer to that...

Dreamlava · 31/01/2026 17:01

Have you stayed strong?

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