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Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
PurpleAxe · 08/01/2026 11:25

Urgh yuck, just dump him.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 08/01/2026 11:26

He said all women are slags . That’s why they cheat they just want dick

He said this to you one year ago and yet you are still with him.

You have no self respect. Get some and don't waste another nanosecond on this

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/01/2026 11:26

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:18

I don’t know how you check people’s previous posts but I have changed me name for this one out of being embarrassed but it anyone would like to read a other things and let me know if it’s me being controlling please let me know. My usual user name is maybeinanotherlife06

let me know if it’s me being controlling please let me know

Abusive men call women "controlling" to shut them up. It is not controlling to want reasonable expectations of good behaviour in a relationship.

Don't ever be afraid that you are controlling - quite the opposite.

LadyDanburysHat · 08/01/2026 11:26

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:25

Im sorry about all my spelling mistakes . Only realised when I just read back on something I wrote . To me Im making myself seem like a victim . Hes said it so many times and I can see that from what Iam writing .

You aren't making yourself seem like a victim, you are. He lies to your face, he can't finish sex with you because of his porn addiction. Please don't think he is right.

Bestfootforward11 · 08/01/2026 11:27

As others have, please end this relationship. His behaviour is unhealthy to say the very least; it is toxic, gaslighting, degrading, misogynistic and more. This is not a positive and healthy relationship and he has deliberately created a situation where you don’t know what’s ok and not ok. Is it not normal for someone to say don’t worry I won’t wank when you leave the house. It is no way to live to have such levels of anxiety created by this vile man’s behaviour. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve much MUCH more than this. There is no question that you must leave this relationship and your next steps are to tell someone in real life. It might feel awkward but you really must because you need some support. It sounds like you don’t live with him which is good but ending things might not be received well and you need people in your corner to help you do it safely. Wishing you all the best x

apostrophewoman · 08/01/2026 11:27

OP, the more you post the worse it gets. So you have somewhere of your own to live and your own dog, but you spend all your time at his house, with this awful horrible man and his awful horrible dog, whilst leaving your own dog on his own for hours. Just this isn't right, your dog is suffering while you prioritise this wanker.
None of what you've said is right - there is nothing that is acceptable about your relationship. All women are slags, crying on the floor, wanking videos, drug use, there is nothing to say but 'leave him'. Just leave him. Block him and have nothing more to do with him. Prioritise yourself and your dog and live your own life.
All your replies are longer and longer and worse and worse, but you need to act now, not just keep writing posts. Just walk away - it's that simple.

MILLYmo0se · 08/01/2026 11:28

OP........ The purpose of being in a relationship is to enhance your life, you support and encourage each other, life is better - or at least not worse! - with that person in your life. In your case he has not only not bring anything positive he has actually had a negative impact and messed you up emotionally and has every intention of continuing to do so for however long you remain with him.
Your viewpoint of porn and drugs is valid and you were clear from the start about that, he doesn't care. He can't perform in bed or being a caring giving lover because he has a warped idea of sex and that won't change because he doesn't want it to, he's fine with it. He is turned on by breaking your boundaries with his pathetic wanking videos and the upset it causes you, you cannot change a man that is literally getting a hard on at the thought of upsetting you.
Is there anyone that can support you through breaking ties with him?

socks1107 · 08/01/2026 11:29

You deserve so much better than this. Watching prob during sex when the sex when the other person has explicitly said they don’t agree is wrong.
move on and find someone who adores you as you deserve to be

Barney16 · 08/01/2026 11:29

You're not the problem. He is. As others have said he's vile.

shouldofgotamortage · 08/01/2026 11:29

He’s vile, who does that? A fucking creep that’s who. Dump him.

RenoDakota · 08/01/2026 11:30

Thebigfellaisnowsnoozing · 08/01/2026 10:47

He swears on people's lives? Is he 15?

Anyone who swears on someone's life is as thick as pig shit.

JLou08 · 08/01/2026 11:30

He is a nasty little cretin who is gaslighting you. End the relationship now and don't look back.

Lairymary · 08/01/2026 11:30

Sartre · 08/01/2026 11:00

My DH was addicted to it when we met. He’d been single for a long time and we were young. He had the same issue and just couldn’t finish, I mean he actually couldn’t at all at first. It really did hurt my self worth, I felt like I’d done something wrong. Also hated the fact sex became about trying everything possible to get him to finish. Anyway, I found out about death grip and confronted him. As soon as he reduced wanking, lo and behold…

Your boyfriend needs to do the same and if he isn’t willing to, bye bye.

No, no, no. Did you read any of the other stuff? He's a nasty piece of work, there should be absolutely no reason for OP to stay with this POS. I'm glad it worked for you but, presumably your other half didn't have all the other issues that this douchebag has!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/01/2026 11:30

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:25

Im sorry about all my spelling mistakes . Only realised when I just read back on something I wrote . To me Im making myself seem like a victim . Hes said it so many times and I can see that from what Iam writing .

To me Im making myself seem like a victim

That is because it is true - you are his victim, and he is a vile abuser.

ANY woman can become a victim. The most successful, independent, talented, intelligent, and stable women can become victims of abuse. It is extraordinary how clever and manipulative abusers can be to get women in their control.

Just because you have money and a job and your own place, doesn't mean you are not a victim.

shouldofgotamortage · 08/01/2026 11:30

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:25

Im sorry about all my spelling mistakes . Only realised when I just read back on something I wrote . To me Im making myself seem like a victim . Hes said it so many times and I can see that from what Iam writing .

You are a victim though, hes abusive. He doesn’t care about you just cares about drink & drugs and that. 🤢

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:31

Bestfootforward11 · 08/01/2026 11:27

As others have, please end this relationship. His behaviour is unhealthy to say the very least; it is toxic, gaslighting, degrading, misogynistic and more. This is not a positive and healthy relationship and he has deliberately created a situation where you don’t know what’s ok and not ok. Is it not normal for someone to say don’t worry I won’t wank when you leave the house. It is no way to live to have such levels of anxiety created by this vile man’s behaviour. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve much MUCH more than this. There is no question that you must leave this relationship and your next steps are to tell someone in real life. It might feel awkward but you really must because you need some support. It sounds like you don’t live with him which is good but ending things might not be received well and you need people in your corner to help you do it safely. Wishing you all the best x

thankyou for taking the time to reply . Why he said I won’t wank when you to to work is because everytime I leave him because of drugs ect I get in a mess when I go back and the first thing I ask is has he been wanking to porn . He always says no not as if he would say yes anyway. But he knows if he said yes or I found out there would be no going back for me what so ever . So him saying that is all my fault x

OP posts:
icouldholditwithacobweb · 08/01/2026 11:31

He does get it. Every time you talk to him, he gets it. He just doesn't give a shit about you, and he does not give a shit about your relationship. If he did, he'd treat you a lot better.

There's no fixing this. He doesn't want to change. Get yourself away from him and you'll be doing so much better very quickly. Life is too short to waste on nasty little manbabies like this.

Pinkladyapplepie · 08/01/2026 11:31

Blimey, what an absolute lover. Please don't waste any more time on him.

Eyeshadow · 08/01/2026 11:32

You’re not happy - so leave.

I will never understand people who are just ok with wasting their lives.

You literally have 1 life and you just need to make it as good as possible.

Scared0112 · 08/01/2026 11:33

OP what are you going to do?

he deserves no explanation. Change your locks. Block his number. Tell your family and friends so they can support you,

if nothing else, know you’re protecting your dog.

(and maybe report him for his cos Christ that dog needs a different life)

you have to take action today…. Even the random conversations you describe are not even normal .. when you say “surely your partner wouldn’t say this or that”. It wouldn’t even BE a topic of conversation in a healthy relationship. He’s playing absolute mind games with you.

none of his opinion matters. It’s what you want from life.

please, please tell me you’re ready to do something about this today. There are so many abused women who are so much more entwined- you’ve your own house, car, job… just literally drop this disgusting man and move on with your life. You don’t need to analyse it, you don’t need to assign blame or explain yourself. Just end it, finito, goodbye! You can do this.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2026 11:34

I don’t understand why you are with this man. Not at the start and most definitely not now.

You have your own home, you have a job, you have a dog. Why are you putting yourself through this hell with this awful man who is basically terrorising you? I don’t understand why you haven’t just ended all contact with him.

Youspurnme · 08/01/2026 11:34

Oh mate. What would you say to a friend in your shoes? I mean basically he’s a nasty, porn addicted drug taker with a horrible dog, a shithole of a house who spends his days wanking.
Surely you must know you can do better than this?
I hope you find the strength to get rid of this no hoper xx

Paperwhite209 · 08/01/2026 11:34

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:22

Your comment has affected me the most . Because I find it really hard to accept or believe that whats going on isnt a problem i have . Also you said it’s the saddest thing you have read. If I ever get upset about anything he does . I don’t get anything to make me feel better or for me to be able to heal from things . If I cry he has in the past shouted to shut the fuck up im doing his head in . Iv cried on the floor and hes just gone to sleep after shouting at me . Or he will up and leave . He will then go in his van up the mountain where we live and take drugs , and drink . Even tho he says he doesn’t do it no more he does.

Sweetheart, I know you want to believe he can change, but I promise you he won't.

My XH was a moody bastard to the point of emotional abuse - nowhere near as bad as this and no drugs or porn. It still wore me down to the point I knew I would die inside if I didn't leave. I also had the added incentive of a young daughter who I didn't want to grow up thinking the way he treated me was normal.

Don't be looking back in a few years time wondering why you didn't make the move sooner. Make 2026 the year you step away from
this and into a life you deserve and that makes you feel happy and at peace.

You owe him absolutely nothing. It won't be easy, but you will be surprised how quickly you
adapt, and the strength you derive from making the choice to leave will bolster you in other areas of your life too.

It will be hard, but it will be worth it.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:35

apostrophewoman · 08/01/2026 11:27

OP, the more you post the worse it gets. So you have somewhere of your own to live and your own dog, but you spend all your time at his house, with this awful horrible man and his awful horrible dog, whilst leaving your own dog on his own for hours. Just this isn't right, your dog is suffering while you prioritise this wanker.
None of what you've said is right - there is nothing that is acceptable about your relationship. All women are slags, crying on the floor, wanking videos, drug use, there is nothing to say but 'leave him'. Just leave him. Block him and have nothing more to do with him. Prioritise yourself and your dog and live your own life.
All your replies are longer and longer and worse and worse, but you need to act now, not just keep writing posts. Just walk away - it's that simple.

Hi Thankyou for replying . I have my own house , full time job ect. Luckily my daughter and her boyfriend live with me so they are there all the time as my daughter works from home . Id never leave him otherwise . But still even when I’m up his house all I do is get sad and worry about my dog . My mind never ever stops i feel like there is always something .

OP posts:
whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 08/01/2026 11:35

I think the real question is why you think so little of yourself that you are with him. Not meant unkindly - please get therapy if you can afford it.

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