Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

Oh my god ... This is horrible. HE is horrible.
Please take my first leave the bastard.

It's not you, it's him.
You feeling down is caused by him.
Even once of this vile behaviour was too much.
He is addicted and will NEVER stop - no matter what he tells you - it will be all lies.
He's horrible.

So him saying that is all my fault

Nothing he says is ever your fault.
You don't have the power to control other people's mouths.
People say what they say. You don't cause that, it is not your fault.

Where did you get the idea that what other people say is your fault?
Seriously - you need to think long and hard about this question.

First - dump and block him.
Second - get some counselling as you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Blimey OP. I’m sorry but I thought you were quite young from what you’ve been posting.

Nothing he does is your fault - he is making a choice to do whatever it is. No one is forcing him to do anything. He blames you and shouts at you so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself. Ignore the wanker.

TBH you should leave - today. Once you go don't text him or call him - block his number and move on. Work on your own self esteem and believe that not everyone is like him.

He sounds absolutely vile. I would hazard a guess to say he's definitely taking drugs and that he's definitely using porn - a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

Unfortunately I am 38 🙄. I always says no not this to him . You could swear the way he acts he is in his teens early twenties .

It's a shame he can't wank himself to death imo.

Come on love, this is not a relationship to continue. Just walk away, you have a home- so go home and block this revolting specimen!

He sounds absolutely vile. I am sickened and sad on your behalf at hus behaviour.
There is a happier healthier life waiting for you without him.
Tell him it's over.
You can do it.

My god why the hell are you with this total abusive soul destroying bastard?

Please, please walk away from this relationship NOW.

He makes you sad, and riddled with anxiety and he gaslights you constantly. For your own sake please end this relationship, block him, and never see him again.

YOU are worth SO much more than this. You are better than this and you deserve better. Please believe that, and want that for yourself.

A partner should make you feel happy and safe and good about yourself...

He does absolutely none of this - he does not love you. He lies to your face endlessly.

Repeat this to yourself - he is NOT going to change. He does not want to. He enjoys hurting you, lying to you, upsetting you.

Get rid and have a happy life!

Same. To put it bluntly Op sounds very young. Her writing style is very young too. Lots and lots of explaining.

Yes, I thought you must be talking about a very young man.

Mate, come on. You’ve lived a life, you’ve got a daughter who’s old enough to be working.

Dump this idiot and never look back, please.

Just leave this mega twat. He's disgusting and you deserve infinitely better.

Then sorry but you are old enough to leave this awful specimen of a man.
You don’t have to stay with him as you are all set up for an independent life
Just walk away with your dignity intact.

He is your choice. Your choice makes you sad. Correct your mistake. Learn. Leave him NOW. And make better choices in the future. Men will have to meet criteria YOU set. If you want to be happy, tell him to go TODAY!! Take control.

Does your daughter know how he is affecting you (not necessarily the details)?

Will she be able to support you in sticking to your guns once you've dumped him?

You don't live with him, you don't have kids together.
This is easy. Just tell him it's over and block him everywhere. You don't even need a reason or justification because he will try to logic you out of it. Just tell him you are done.

@theheckisgoingon28 You deserve better than this! Listen to that sentence and say it repeatedly to yourself.

Sometimes we hit a problem with our partner and its something we can work through together. The problem you have is that he doesn't see it as his problem, he sees your reaction as the problem and I also think he gets a kick out of sending you porn.

When you RIGHTFULLY take issue with his activities, he deflects from your point and makes it about your reaction and makes out you are the one with the issue. He is winding you up over whether he is or isn't doing drugs and he is taunting you with his porn.

That aside, this relationship isn't going anywhere, he lives in a house with a destroyer dog that wrecks his home and is happy for that to be the reason you can't move in. If he wanted you there, he would be making moves to resolve this and he is not. He likes the control.

You sound like you have low self worth. He is dragging you down and destroying who you are and trying to make out you are the issue. Let me be quite clear, his behaviour is vile and unacceptable and it sounds like he enjoys provoking you. I have no hesitation in telling you to walk away. Sever all contact with him. Block him on every media source and change your locks. Leave no space for him getting back in your life. Start working on your self worth and build your confidence up, maybe see a counsellor to help.

If you stay in this relationship, you will continue to become a former shadow of yourself and you deserve to be happy. Be brave OP, value yourself as he clearly doesn't.

In the long term, there are men out there that will treasure and love the real you, if you give them a chance. Don't settle for this excuse of a man.

He is absolutely disgusting and what he is doing is sexual abuse. I will add however, that you may need some therapy after this to get over your issues around masturbation, it is totally understandable given what he has been doing to you but if you want to have a healthy relationship with someone in the future you can’t be telling your partner he can’t wank.

Ha ha I am 38 😂. No offence taken at all though. My spelling is awful at the best of times . Plus Im in work and shouldn’t be on my phone . But it does just boil down to me being an awful speller . I think me explaining too much is because I’m always made out to be wrong . So I just need to be sure and put everything down

Let's be real, OP.
Yes, he's watching porn.
Yes, he's doing drugs.
Yes, he's taking pleasure in upsetting you by sending these offensive videos.

He is, quite literally, a wanker. He's shattering your self-esteem and enjoying doing so. Dump him TODAY and don't look back.

Hi, this is the thing . Iv never had issues with wanking . I was with my daughter’s father for over ten years . Left because he cheated a lot of times also was with my ex for years . And still not once did wanking , or drugs enter my head because there was no reason for me to have developed a literal phobia of it . I admit I do need therapy around this subject and oddly was even thinking about phoning my Docter this morning

Why are you with him? He's treating you awfully and lying constantly. He's not making you happy. Why would you keep going back to be abused time and time again?
You have your own place. Good! Tell him you're done and literally don't contact him.
This is a really sad read and I'm shocked that people would tolerate being treated this way, especially when they have their own home and money.
He's told you you're not an easy person to be with you try and trap you. You are absolutely wayyyyyyyyy more of a catch than he will ever be.

Ah no, no! Find yourself a decent, kind man. There are plenty out there.

He has brainwashed you into thinking you need to stay in his horrible abusive world. but You don't live with him. You just need to stop yourself from going anywhere near him.

You need help to leave him and his dog which could attack you next time or even your poor dog again.

You cannot fix him. You can only fix yourself and find out why you feel you have to support him and put up with his disgusting abusive behaviour.

What you mention here is likely just the tip of the iceberg and you may not even realise the extent of his manipulation. It would not be surprising to hear that you are financially supporting him. He is damaging your mental health, future happiness, and future security.

I'm sure people on here can recommend some advice organisations like women's aid who will help you get some real life support to break ties, leave him for good, recover from the pain he's inflicted and help you move on with your life to a better place.

I hope that you manage to do this, but it does sound like you need some Real life support. Find a safe way to leave him. You can just walk. You owe him nothing, not even an explanation. He already knows what he's done. But he is an abusive man so please get advice on the safest way to leave.