DD's dressing gown

[DreamingBe]

DD, 7, has some sensory issues and sensory seeking behaviour, particularly with regard to clothes. She is very stubborn when she's decided what she wants or doesn't want to wear.

She has a plain fleece dressing gown she often refuses to take off as it's very snuggly. It's in good condition and a very boring design, like this Dressing gown . I have to steal it away regularly to wash it or I swear she'd never be out of it at all.

AIBU to allow her to wear it over her school uniform for the journey to school during mild, clear weather? She uses it as a blanket in the car and then pops it on for the 2 minute walk to school. She always has her coat available and offered to her, is otherwise dressed normally including appropriately warm, clean clothes, and I take the dressing gown home when she gets to school. I insist on her wearing her coat if it's raining.

She gets distraught and extremely defiant if I try to get her to leave the dressing gown at home. I have an autistic DS and getting him ready in the morning can be stressful enough already that it seems ridiculous to pick battles I don't need to face over behaviour that isn't causing any harm.

School have apparently logged her wearing it as a safeguarding concern. In and of itself, not in conjunction with other issues.

I don't get what the big deal is, other than it being a bit eccentric because it's not typically considered an outdoors item of clothing (which I have explained to her and also explained that other people may find it a bit strange or her classmates might comment on it, which she doesn't care about). Is school nuts or am I? I feel like either they or I must have totally lost the plot because it seems like such a weird thing for them to be concerned about.

The school are being ridiculous. I'd want them to explain in writing exactly what it is that makes it a safeguarding concern.

‘Shorts guys’ in the making😆
My DS is now 20 and a perpetual shorts guy. He was out last week, walking the dogs, near zero temperature, shorts. He says he just doesn’t get cold legs.

As for the OP, take her out to buy something else more suitable that fulfills her need. A fleece jacket, a faux fur coat, whatever. There’s no shortage of furry and fleecy outerwear around atm. You just need to find an alternative to the dressing gown that she’s satisfied with.

She isn't in her bed clothes, OP said she has clean uniform underneath. How does adding a dressing gown on top of clean uniform signal a disruptive morning? It's not like she has just rolled out of bed and come I'm her pj's.

I think you pick your battles and look at what you want to achieve, which most likely is for her to get into school without a fuss, so you make concessions were possible to meet that aim.

At least a dry robe is designed to be worn outside though. It would be better than a child refusing a normal coat surely? I get that it isn't the intended purpose but people have started wearing them for dog walks and watching sports outside. It wouldn't stand out as much as a dressing gown.

Apologies, I was using “bed clothes” as an overarching term. Perhaps “nightwear” would have been better? I mean things like slippers, pyjamas, dressing gowns.

Not in OP’s case, but in other children turning up to school with these items on and doing a quick change might be because the parents are struggling with their own organisation, school refusal or generally parenting. It’s more common than you might think. No one is judging, we’re trying to help children have the best start to the day so they are ready to learn when they arrive at school. In the past I’ve even just arranged for a child to use my room to change rather than doing it on the playground.

All these people saying “you’re not doing her any favours” and “that’s not outerwear” have clearly zero experience of kids with additional needs. Sensory issues are a hill these children are prepared to die on. They don’t have rigid ideas of inner or outerwear. This dressing gown is safe and familiar. She is 7 years old for God’s sake, a little girl! When I was 7, I was still playing with dolls and teddies! She has got a lifetime of learning what’s appropriate and what isn’t. And with school targets demanding we get our kids to school for 100% of the time, this is a compromise that many of us Special Needs parents are familiar with. You pick your battles, and letting your small child wear a dressing gown to the school gate isn’t a fight worth having.

Hmm! Interesting question.
My general view is that if the sensory seeking behaviour isn't causing harm to the person or others, it's not a problem.
So wearing a dressing gown to school is OK as it's not causing harm.

However, it has the potential of harm - kids can be horrid and it could lead to bullying.

I wonder if you could find an alternative, explore what your daughter likes about the dressing gown, does she get comfort from touching the fabric, if so, would having a piece of similarly textured fabric in her pocket give the same comfort.
Or, could you find a coat that has a similar fabric lining and cuffs, that she chooses and checks it meets her sensory needs. Help her to explore alternative solutions so that she owns the solution.

You forget - we don't say 'no' to children nowadays. 7 year olds can throw temper tantrums like toddlers if they hear that word so parents tend to back down.
Who would be a teacher nowadays.

Childish behaviour from a child, god forbid

It’s fine but I do think the suggestions of a teddy fleece coat or maybe a dry robe are a good idea for the future.
With my nephew with sensory issues I always found taking him shopping and letting him pick things himself helped.

Yes, let’s bring back the good old days when dyslexic children were stupid and children with SEN just needed a good, firm hand.

🙄

sorry but when a 7 year old is throwing a hissy fit like a 3 year old because mummy said NO to something, yes she does need a good firm hand.

Honestly, no. She needs to wear her coat in this weather. Many of us would have gone to school in our dressing gowns if allowed. My children would too. But it is impractical, inappropriate and defeats the point of a uniform.
I would notice immediately if someone else brought their child of 7 to school wearing a dressing gown and, assuming the child had no special needs, I would think the parents were pretty strange.

It’s perhaps been logged because you have an autistic son and wearing her dressing gown to school is not usual so they may be logging it if she already has sensory issues as one of her issues? It’s probably just so staff are aware of her issues. She probably sees her brother having certain foibles and this is a way of connecting to you and home.

Not if she has sensory issues.

There are stylish cosy alternatives to the dressing gown that don’t involve the stress of wrestling it
off her and putting another coat on at the school gates.

I would let her wear it. Can't see why you wouldn't. In fact if it made school mornings easy I would have a second identical one handy. You have another child who has autism and a strong willed daughter so do what works.

OP why don't you try to buy her a 'Teddy Bear' type coat/jacket instead?

There are lots that are the same kind of snuggly material?

Some examples;

https://nseimports.co.uk/products/fluffy-teddy-bear-fleece-jacket-hooded-winter-coat-female-ladies-outwear-anime-kawaii-fur-stand-short-overcoat-cold-warm-her-gift?srsltid=AfmBOoojjwXu97hfdgq2iBB6ueLRrQIRjFYN-A-5Pd4qqSBVrz0kzIP3&variant=40233260023882

https://www.matalan.co.uk/childrens-clothing/girls-pink-longline-teddy-fleece-coat-4-13yrs/14857562.html

School governor here (albeit Secondary) and I honestly wouldn’t worry. Schools will log something like this to be on the safe side as safeguarding training teaches that something like this could be an indicator of bigger issues at home (everything from money troubles struggles to neglect).

Given it’s not unheard of for Mums to turn up at the school gates in their dressing gowns (or as I’d call them, house coats!), you shouldn’t spend any more of your time or energy second guessing allowing your DD to wear hers if it helps her stay regulated.

Edited to add; I am a contractual Homeworker and on days when I have no meetings scheduled, I’m quite happy to spend the morning working away on my laptop whilst lounging in my comfy and cozy house coat!

in isolation it needs to be logged sa safeguarding as it could indicate a family struggling to buy essentials such as appropriate clothing for their child.

with the context you have given, it’s absolutely not a hill fo you to die on with regards to removing it from her. Ensure it’s logged as part of the safeguarding referral WHY she wears it and the impact to her if she doesn’t. Eg difficulty transitioning from home to school, increased risk of poor attendance. It will also provide evidence of behaviours if your daughter needs any neurodiversity assessments.