DD's dressing gown

[DreamingBe]

DD, 7, has some sensory issues and sensory seeking behaviour, particularly with regard to clothes. She is very stubborn when she's decided what she wants or doesn't want to wear.

She has a plain fleece dressing gown she often refuses to take off as it's very snuggly. It's in good condition and a very boring design, like this Dressing gown . I have to steal it away regularly to wash it or I swear she'd never be out of it at all.

AIBU to allow her to wear it over her school uniform for the journey to school during mild, clear weather? She uses it as a blanket in the car and then pops it on for the 2 minute walk to school. She always has her coat available and offered to her, is otherwise dressed normally including appropriately warm, clean clothes, and I take the dressing gown home when she gets to school. I insist on her wearing her coat if it's raining.

She gets distraught and extremely defiant if I try to get her to leave the dressing gown at home. I have an autistic DS and getting him ready in the morning can be stressful enough already that it seems ridiculous to pick battles I don't need to face over behaviour that isn't causing any harm.

School have apparently logged her wearing it as a safeguarding concern. In and of itself, not in conjunction with other issues.

I don't get what the big deal is, other than it being a bit eccentric because it's not typically considered an outdoors item of clothing (which I have explained to her and also explained that other people may find it a bit strange or her classmates might comment on it, which she doesn't care about). Is school nuts or am I? I feel like either they or I must have totally lost the plot because it seems like such a weird thing for them to be concerned about.

In allowing her to do this then other pupils will doubtless make fun of her, the OP will want it dealing with a 'bullying' and the school will have to waste time dealing with it, lucky teachers.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid as an adult, but I too would worry the other kids will think she's strange.

I'm a bit puzzled at how you manage to stop her wearing it during non-mild weather and when it's raining but you can't stop her at other times?

Call the school out on it. Ask them what their specific concerns are and then suggest they, you and her sit down together to discuss them.

I bet they won’t come to the table.

Definitely let her wear it!

Loads of primary and secondary age kids wear oodies when going swimming/ after school clubs as a bit of a fashion choice and what you describe is only different in the way it’s put on.

Let the school know she will be wearing it the day before she does if you can of the same day and just say the truth.

Between a child in a typical ‘coat’ who is distressed and unhappy or a child wearing a dressing gown who is warm and settled it is a no brainer!

Good way to teach dd she can make (some) choices that don’t need to fit in with the ‘norms’ of society!

No no no

wearing bed clothes in public is not an option

How would she be if you got her a teddy fleece coat or an oodie &explained she can choose, she either wears her dressing gown in the house OR outside but not both, we don't lounge around the house/in bed in outside wear. ??

are you getting her investigated for SEN too? I would.

there you go. As you have the common sense to see that pjs are not outer wear.
And sometimes no means no.

The absence of a coat in this weather is a safeguarding concern and remember the idea of logging everything comes from a place of wanting to protect future extreme cases where various people saw bits and pieces and said nothing because it didn’t feel enough in and of itself. Children died.

Keep doing what you need to do, you can justify it, don’t be put off by school logging it they are only trying to keep children safe. You do not need to respond to every safeguarding issue as long as you truly are looking after DC - which you are by keeping her cosy and regulated before school.

Yes school will have logged it because like the other poster says, everything gets recorded as you never know and it might be part of a bigger picture.

Have you not actually spoken to the school sendco though about the sensory needs? It might be a good idea to do this, especially if school uniform becomes an issue and if the dressing gown ends up going into school instead of a coat.

An idea to ponder - would she wear a dry robe? (Or a fake one) just a thought

I think you need to meet her in the middle Yes you can have it in the car, but coat goes on ( Or not) when you get out to walk into school.

She's 7 and it a dressing gown, but that might change and while she's 7 it doesnt matter, when she is older it may well and will be harder to crack

The issue will resolve naturally as she grows and the dressing gown no longer fits her. Just be careful not to buy another like it!

It is a dressing gown that gives a child comfort, calm down !

I wouldn't let it out of the car, personally. I would also be concerned about bullying when other children see her doing something 'eccentric'. I know from personal experience that getting a label of 'a bit weird' is not going to help on that front

I say this as the mother of an autistic child

@DreamingBe

Let her wear it tell the school she is sensory seeking which she is, kids and adults wear oodies outside imo it is the same thing.

If I had my time again I wish we had been a bit firmer with DS in this regard.

DS was always a bit fussy about clothing. It started with an aversion to buttons so if there were any decorative type buttons on anything I would cut them off (like the ones on the side of cargo pants etc), then he started to dislike jeans and so we found elasticated waist styles. Basically I feel we pandered to it too much.

To cut a long story short, at 17 he will now only wear one specific style of jogging bottom and a plain T-shirt. He has one style of hoody that he will wear if it’s really cold. If we want to go a nice restaurant or something he would rather not go than dress appropriately. I worry about how he will cope when he has to work.

So OP, of course there appears to be no harm in allowing this but it can creep. I wish I had taught DS more about appropriate clothing when I could still have some element of control over it.

Our girl would only wear a pair of purple wellies to school.
I actually thought she would get trench foot as we lived in hot and humid Thailand

OP why don't you try to buy her a 'Teddy Bear' type coat/jacket instead?

There are lots that are the same kind of snuggly material?

Some examples;

https://nseimports.co.uk/products/fluffy-teddy-bear-fleece-jacket-hooded-winter-coat-female-ladies-outwear-anime-kawaii-fur-stand-short-overcoat-cold-warm-her-gift?srsltid=AfmBOoojjwXu97hfdgq2iBB6ueLRrQIRjFYN-A-5Pd4qqSBVrz0kzIP3&variant=40233260023882

https://www.matalan.co.uk/childrens-clothing/girls-pink-longline-teddy-fleece-coat-4-13yrs/14857562.html

I think this is harmless TBH. Children often seem to like something snuggly for comfort .I expect she will grow out of it naturally

My neighbours young child often goes into the car with a dressing gown or a long oodie type pull over, i don't think it is a huge deal

I don't understand why this is a safeguarding issue, you have said that she takes a coat into school. Whether she wears it during playtime or not is a different matter, I have seen many of child not wearing their coats at playtime.

However, I think you should try to find something more suitable. Have you tried a dryrobe ( or alternative brand) i know they aren't traditionally supposed to be worn as a coat, but they are warm and waterproof and soft and fleecy inside. Better than a dressing gown if you can get her to wear something like that instead.

i think it is fine, if it keeps her calm, warm and comfortable.

Can you get a 2nd one so you can leapfrog them with the washing?

Would it make any difference if you warmed her coat on the radiator first?

She's 7. She has sensory issues. She's not wearing it at school (right?) just on the journey.

This is a real non-issue and school are being weird. There was a little girl at my DD's school who has autism and who wore a princess dress (the same one) instead of uniform all the way through infants. Yes, she did stand out, but I would imagine teachers know how to slap down any silly comments from other children.

I'd just sent an email to school clarifying that the issue isn't that you have a chaotic home life and can't get her out of her dressing gown before school (which is presumably what they are thinking about), but that she's got sensory issues and she's got attached to wearing this.

Obviously it'd be lovely if you happened on a hoodie or whatever in similar material, but unless and until you do, I don't think this is a big deal.

i suspect (ref pps comments about schools reporting everything) that they are covering their backsides for if anything happens - they reported and so they are clear (which is fair enough, but are they doing anything other than report, like talking to the child?)

Thinking about it: wearing things outside and then around the house, potentially over PJs and in bed, is a bit of a hygiene issue for me. So deffo get a 2nd one, or an actual fluffy blanket, for outside the house.